See this is what happens when you f*cken pinheads out there treat politics like it's a sport.
An election is not a "grand final". True, it is one lot of crooked, lying, self-indulgent, cheating, overpaid, snivelling, whining, immoral, misogynistic, turds going up against another, so there's a similarity there to the Broncos-Storm grand final, I admit, but you people are missing something.
See, unlike a grand final, the result is not worth f*cking cheering and partying over, believe me.
Understand this: politicians are more like the referees of the grand final than the players. Nobody liked them in school, they aren't good enough to actually play, they misinterpret the rules, apply them inconsistently and get all the f*cken major decisions wrong so we're all f*cked over in the end.
So all you f*cken twerps who were out engaging in spontaneous mass-masturbation-parties when Saint Kevin the Infallible (Patron Saint of Working Families) became Prime Minister - LISTEN CAREFULLY because I am about to shatter the masturbatory-fantasy you have of Kevin 07 and render him NO F*CKEN DIFFERENT to any other lying, snivelling turd of a politician.
And I do it because I CARE.
But first, ok I can understand a bit of the joy at seeing the previous Govt thrown the hell out.
Yeah they were arrogant little f*cks alright. I mean, not just "swerve into your parking spot, even though you've got your indicator on and are obviously waiting for the spot" arrogant, either.
No, those pr1cks were so arrogant that, if you caught them with their pants down and d1cks buried all 2-and-a-half-inches into a pig, they would have said "What pig? Where? Me? Pig? Rooting? No, you're mistaken, I've never even seen a pig in my life," without ever once stopping their rhythmic thrusting.
AND THEN they would have had the arrogance to finish and throw YOU a box of tissues to CLEAN THEM UP WITH. AND THEN CRITICISED THE JOB YOU WERE DOING, WHILE STILL DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF ANY SMOKED HAM IN THE VICINITY.
But do you know WHY they get this way?
They get this arrogant because THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.
And, thanks to dip$hits who vote like it's a Grand Final BBQ, THEY MOSTLY DO.
Governments use their first term in office to continuously gloat, break a few of the favourite toys of the previous government and generally start f*cking things up - but not too much, not so that pinheads notice.
So they win the first re-election because all you pin-heads are still in post-coital bliss and haven't caught on yet to all the little things they're f*cking up and laughing about while you're still having a drag on the post-root ciggy.
By the second re-election, about 6-8 years after getting into power, they're into full-blown F*CK-UP mode but you pin-heads vote 'em back in anway, because now you're scared the other lot might be even WORSE.
By the third re-election, now some 8-12 years after wedging their corpulent ar$es into Parliament House, they're into chronic F*CK-UPism, but they're STILL A GOOD CHANCE to be re-elected, providing they haven't sided with the U.S in a war.
So they have this security-blanket backing them up. They know, no matter what they do, they're likely to be around for a DECADE before you f*cks realise all the stupid $hit they've been pulling right in front of you, and EVEN THEN they may get away with it.
I mean, if *I* could get away with it, I would have a porno collection SO F*CKING HUGE it would be seen from OUTER SPACE. But I can't get away with it, so I don't even try, because retribution for my sinful ways from The Samazon would be swift and painful, and she would not be waiting for the counting of postal votes in marginal ballots to decide the outcome.
See, the last Government introduced AWAs, and talked up nuclear power stations, and f*cked over stem-cell research and day-after pills, and sucked George Dubya's d1ck all the way to Baghdad because they thought they could get away with it! They thought, F*CK IT - we can do what we like and the pinheads will vote us back in anyway.
Only the pinheads didn't, although it was the THIRD time they got the opportunity to proverbially get Johnny plastered and shave his eyebrows.
But they couldn't stop there, the pinheads. No, they had to go and party over the corpse and think that, in their own deluded way, they had MADE A DIFFERENCE. That, somehow, Saint Kevin would be DIFFERENT.
WRONG AGAIN DIP$HITS!
So the pinheads turned into f*cktards in the tightening of a sphincter. See, f*cktards are inherently and geneticaly f*ckwitted, so if you give them a fact that they can actually shoe-horn into their f*cktard heads they get all GIDDY and start getting delusions of OPINION which they inevitably feel the need to SHARE with the rest of us.
So they cheered and partied and heralded Saint Kevin's Ascension as though it was the next f*cken Renaissance, because, see, someone "clever" on the radio told them that the reason they couldn't afford their mortgage repayments was because Johnny the PM personally used his PITCHFORK to raise the SATANIC INTEREST-RATES DIAL in his office, all the way up to "MWUHAHAHAH TAKE THIS F*CKERS!"-setting. And only Saint Kevin could exorcise the demons to bring interest-rates down, fix global warming and mount a crusade to rid the ENTIRE WORLD of capital punishment. (I'm not making up that last one, either.)
Only it isn't the great Antipodean Renaissance of the early 21st century, and here's BLAZING F*CKING PROOF WHY....
"The Barcaldine Mayor has defended the $5 MILLION in GOVERNMENT FUNDING that has been secured for a MONUMENT to the Labor Party icon, the Tree of Knowledge."
I didn't even know there was a f*ckhole called "Barcaldine", let alone know that it has a f*cken MAYOR, but then I suppose the tumbleweeds and sheep get all f*cken rowdy and revolutionary without proper government representation for "local issues".
How, in the name of everything in the f*cken universe, does building a 5 MILLION DOLLAR MONUMENT TO A TREE WITH PUBLIC FUNDS make a f*cking drop of sense?
My brain is numbed at how simply fucktastically stupid that is.
Geezus, plant a REAL F*CKING TREE and it won't cost that much and will probably live longer. And, hey, it's the ALP "Tree of Knowledge" so, f*ck, a POT PLANT will probably suffice.
I mean, how f*cking presumptuous is it to call a Labor Party icon the "Tree of Knowledge"?? Presumably it's where GOD appeared to Saint Kevin (back when he was only an acolyte) and told him that he was the ONE, beloved of Jehovah / Muhammad / Baal / Gough Whitlam, and chosen to lead Working Families into a new era of HOME-OWNING UTOPIA, free from the scourge of SATANIC interest-rate rises!
Apparently someone poisoned the real tree last year - probably by burying beneath it the transcripts of emails between Kevin 07's office and Brian Burke. The tree's roots subsequently choked on the bull$hit and it f*cking well died.
But here's Treasurer Wayne "The Ugly F*ckling" Swan trying to polish a turd so that it shines:
"Government spending will have to be cut drastically in the budget to try and ease inflationary pressure."
Woops, wrong speech! Memo to Chief of Staff - don't let the f*cking intern prepare the speech folder!
"It's a legitimate grant [of FIVE MILLION DOLLARS FOR A MONUMENT TO A TREE], that is a legitimate tourist attraction."
A dead f*cken tree is a tourist attraction? Then why do we need a f*cken MONUMENT!?
Oh, here we go, while I was busy venting, Google has located "Barcaldine" for me....
"Barcaldine is in the MARGINAL LABOR ELECTORATE of Flynn."
So put the f*cken corks back into the champagne bottles, dip$hits, and save them for REAL grand final win celebrations.
In the meantime, in Parliament, there's going to be about 9 years and 250 odd more days LIKE THIS ONE.