Thursday, March 13, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #3: Canberra Ragedrs

Team: Canberra Ragedrs - (name courtesy of El Maco Pudendo Magnifico, ruthlessly mauling his phone's predictive-text key-pad to send me a late, drunken SMS. Comedy gold.)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well I live here and have to endure tacky f*cken promotions like GREEN MILK every year because the Ragedrs wear the single most SICKENING colour to ever stain a sporting field - LIME GREEN. Plus most Ragedrs "fans" $hit me to tears because they all f*cked off to watch the Brumbies at the first opportunity anyway, but still call themselves "hard-core" because they turn up to watch 1 Ragedrs game a year on a "brisk" Sunday afternoon. And then leave 25 minutes early to beat traffic. Finally, this bunch of f*cken ar$ey wankers always seem to manage to jag a f*cken late, come-from-behind win over the Eels, but wet their f*cken pi$$y green panties one week later to lose to the Melbourne Scum by 30.

But mostly, it's because Turd Carney plays for them.

NB: Although I have bagged out the Ragedrs for the purposes of comedy and this f*cken stupid Blog, I reserve the right to close ranks on any and all Sydney-based media who try to do the same. F*ck you, I'm GLAD you don't like Canberra, otherwise you'd all f*cken MOVE HERE and turn this place into a $hithole like YOUR city.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Well say hello to the one and only Turd "I'm Right To Drive" Carney, a truly special little $hit-splat on the ar$e-cheeks of humanity. You remember Turd, right? Turd narrowly missed out on the opportunity to experience "prison-romance" up close with his host, Larry The Biker, because an ACT Magistrate (Motto: "Every third offence free!") reviewed the following events, and, I $hit you not, deemed them worthy of (actual punishment, not $hit I just made up) a $500 fine and $107 court costs (oh, and some community service):

1. Turd got drunk
2. Turd drove himself and his drunk mate in his car
3. Turd sped very fast
4. Local constabulary observed Turd speeding
5. Turd "forgot" that wailing sirens and flashing lights on pursuing cop-cars aren't just a "friendly reminder" to stop or slow-down.
7. Turd "forgot" that having a current driver's licence isn't actually just "suggested best practice" for ACT motorists.
8. Turd also "forgot" that he did this just 3 months ago, which is why his driver's licence was the victim of a ceremonial burning by the ACT Dept of Urban Services.
9. Turd ditched his car, and his drunk mate, and ran away through the bush faster than a French soldier who smells sauerkraut.
10. In time honoured Aussie tradition, Turd got caught and attempted to get out of trouble by selling his mate UP THE F*CKEN RIVER.

Now, of course, because the kid can play footy his club didn't kick him out. Although his mate, who was $hit, got $hit-canned faster than Artie Beetson finishes a KFC Family Pack. But you would think that the kid ought to get into Ragedrs HQ really early every morning, just so he can spend that first 45 minutes KISSING THE F*CKEN BALL-SACK of the Ragedrs CEO, wouldn't you?


Turd is showing his loyalty to the club what discovered him by WAVING HIS C*CK IN THEIR FACE for a few weeks while he gets a new fountain pen custom-made with which to sign a new contract with another club. At the VERY FIRST F*CKEN OPPORTUNITY of contract expiry.

F*ck you, Turd. F*ck you very much.

Also a special mention to former Ragedr Laurie Daley, who, THANK THE LORD CHRIST H. GEEZUS HISSELF, is now gone from Foxtel so I pretty much never have to listen to him again. His contribution to "insightful commentary" is akin to what Catholic priests contribute to "responsible child-minding".

Oh, and Colin Best, who is just such a fairy I can't help but laugh.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:
  • Chov sledges Turd Carney so much, and for so long, Carney attempts to jump the fence and fight him in Round 3, thereby spawning enough material for roughly 8,000 posts to this blog.
  • The Ragedrs avoid the wooden spoon, yet again, just so that all the f*ckwits who write for the Daily Telegraph as so-called "experts" look like f*ckwits AGAIN.
  • That, just for f*cken ONCE, I can go to the footy with my favourite peep Maca "Rough Sex" McDonald and watch my beloved EELS smash 13 different colours of $hit out of his Ragedrs. And laugh at him in the car ALL THE WAY HOME. For ONCE. And I'm not greedy, just one 312 to nil Eels win would be all I'd need.
Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - Turd Carney accounts for 9 of these points on his own.