Friday, March 14, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #8: Shire Sharks

Team: Cronulla Sharks. Foreigners welcome. From the Cronulla Tourist Bureau's latest pamphlet (free with every "So you've decided to illegally migrate to Australia" Welcoming Pack) .....: "Enjoy quintessential Australia in this idyllic little sea-side village, where the locals are always more than happy to share with you the secrets of quaint local customs. Join in the "Keep Ostraya F*cken Ostrayn" celebrations on Australia Day, and help locals re-enact the famous ANZAC landing on the beaches at Kurnell. Shire Motto: "Islam-Free Since 2005!"

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well here's a turn-up for the books, I actually don't feel any hate whatsoever for coach Ricky Stuart.

That noise I heard was like a large disturbance in the force - almost as though thousands of readers gasped out in shock, and then fell suddenly silent....

No, it's true. I think he is about the only person associated with rugby league who hates everyone else associated with rugby league with ALMOST the same intensity that I do. I say ALMOST because Ricky still has to be politically correct, with his position as coach and all. Whereas Chov f*cken calls it as he sees it. But that's not Ricky's fault.

Still, he pu$$ied out on the whole Brett Kimmorley thing. He called him $hit, then became his club coach and kissed and made up. Jessy.

But, you know, f*ck the Sharks and all that. Why does every f*cken tosser who mentions this team INSIST on calling them the "Sharkies"?? Every time I hear it, 15 different blood vessels in my eye-ball throb and nearly explode in rage. I want to smash through my TV screen and smash Laurie Daley's face into the desk about eighteen thousand times whenever he says it.

You stop calling them "Sharkies" when you turn, oh, the age of FOUR, f*ckwits. And even THEN, it's only if you're actually a Sharks FAN.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

See it's too obvious to say Paul "The Amazing Human Bonehead - see him move! see him SPEAK! Is he REAL?" Gallen. Yeah, he's a tosser, even his own Mum probably told him to f*ck off on Mother's Day and swung a left hook at him on the way out. But he's really more in the category of "wankers to ignore" - like tools who pump out R&B $hit on their car stereos at high volume. Shake your head, then forget them as they pass out of earshot (13 kilometres away).

No, we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid. He can't help himself, it's like a f*cken chromosomal thing - or like one of those wind-up cars that keeps smashing into a wall and then spinning around and zooming off until it smashed into another wall. He's like the result of Nazi scientists in the last days of the war, in their secret Bunker lab, racing to perfect the human-f*ckwit-automaton. And bless him, bless him I say, because he will give me plenty of material all year long.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:
  • The lame moron (think: advertising executive, on their mobile, driving convertible BMW, balding on top, pony-tail at back) who came up with the brilliantly f*ckwitted idea to play the "Jaws" theme music whenever the Sharks get into the 20 metre zone gets attached to a 700000 volt generator by the perineum - every time the music starts I push the RED button. How "clever" and "quirky" does the f*cken idea sound now, dip$hit?
  • The Sharks lose to the Eels by 18,000 points. No need for f*cken "golden-point" extra time now, huh, f*ckers?
  • Lance "Bloodnuts Should Be Drowned At Birth" Thompson, whilst drinking heavily post-game, gets into a disagreement with a fan about whether he had made twenty-SEVEN or twenty-EIGHT tackles in the second half, and punches the living $hit out of them as a succinct closing argument. Wakes up 2 days later to discover it was his mum.
  • With 1 min to go and tied 12-all with the Bondi Chickens, Ricky Stuart gets so f*cken angry that he runs down from the coach's box, throws on a Sharks t-shirt and some thongs, steers the Sharks 85 metres downfield and slots a field-goal from right in front, backwards through his legs, with his ERECT C*CK, wins the game, tells Brett Kimmorley "THAT'S HOW YOU F*CKEN DO IT PEANUT", runs to the car-park, takes a foot-long $hit right on top of Nick Politis's Ford Ranger, tells a 7 year old autograph-hunter in a Tigers cap to "f*ck off idiot, if you can't even get the team right i'm too f*cken busy", pauses to leave an obscene phone message on Wayne Bennett's answering machine for the 11th time that day, and then receives a new personal-best NRL-record fine in the post-match press conference for calling Shayne Hayne a "f*cking cheating incompetent, dog's-a$$-raping, motherf*cking f*ckturd" 18 times (including writing it on a whiteboard for assembled journalists. Steve Mascord still doesn't get it).
  • Either that or all Lebanon's group matches in the Rugby League World Cup are scheduled for Henson/Toyota/Shark Park.
Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - f*ck you Sharks, and Mark McGaw was a $hit "Gladiator" too.