Thursday, March 13, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #4: Nth Qld Cowpats

Team: North Queensland Cowpats

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:
  • They have jerseys that look like Bozo The Clown took a splattery $hit on a white t-shirt.
  • I'm sick to f*cken death of hearing about how "great the support is up here", get the f*ck over it.
  • For the most part, originally, they were pretty harmless, but then some pompous f*cktard had to go and get f*cken delusions of grandeur up there and start spouting off that the Cowpats were "everyone's second favourite team" or some such similar rubbish. See, everything goes ok until some F*CKWIT opens his MORON-HOLE doesn't it? You are NOT my second, third, fourth or even 900000000000000000000000000000000056th favourite team, DIP$HITS - you're just a pack of inbred hicks from up north who cheer on a rapist because he can kick a footy reasonably well. So F*CK YOU.
  • They're a real loyal f*cken bunch. Ask Graham Murray.
Special F*ckwit Watch: Oh, Carl Webb, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways....

Carl Webb is the f*cken most f*cken over-rated "hard" man in world sport. Galactic sport, even. Here's a little known stat - Carl Webb makes one effective run for every 9 thousand million attempts. But when he does, his bring-Ray-Warren-to-orgasm conversion ratio is 100%. So somehow this lumbering f*cken buffoon has a reputation as some SCARY (eeek!) hard man.

F*ck off. Kiss my nuts, Carl Webb. Your entire career is summed up in the term "f*ck all".

Also not worth pi$$ing on if they are on fire:
  • Jon "She Was Like That When I Got Here" Thurston - knows how to treat a lady.
  • Matt "Run Like You've Got A DVD Player Under Your Arm!" Bowen - oh f*ck off already with all this $hit about how good he is. Whatever happened to TACKLING?
  • Luke "Mummy Kiss Ums Better" O'Donnell - is bringing a note from his Mummy with him to every single game from now on that tells all the other boys not to tackle little Lukey-wookles too hard. F*cken fairy. Have a couple of swigs of this new drink "TOUGHENTHEF*CKUP" and shut up.
What I'd Love To See In 2008:
  • Jon "I Was A Teenage Rapist" Thurston raped by a pack of big black feral Alsatians, who are never punished and instead transfer interstate to other holiday kennels, where they are feted and nobody ever mentions "the unpleasantness" again.
  • The Cowpats get a crowd of 25,000 in the middle of CYCLONE F*CKEN CECIL, finally giving the f*cken mongo Gorden Tallis a LEGITIMATE F*CKEN REASON to say, for the 100000000000000000000th time, that "...they really love their footy up here."
  • The Cowpats wear a$$less chaps to honour former forward Ian Robert's birthday.
Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - Just f*ck off, cowgirls.