Tuesday, August 12, 2008

ChovBux2K8 Extravaganza Announced!!

The Chov - being his usual, super ultra-cool self.

Born in a time not so long ago, in the experimental birthing unit at Port Kembla Hospital (proudly in the shadow of the Port Kembla "Stack"), in the optimistic land of Wollongong, Matt "Chov" Chrzczonowicz was born.

Admittedly an unusual name, you will be surprised to learn he was named after an unusual saint - the Polish patron saint of haberdashery and quality footwear, Saint Chov. The hero of our tale lived a carefree life with his three brothers amongst the sulphur-laced clouds of the BHP steelworks on the south-western shores of the irradiated blue-green waters of Lake Illawarra.

Early on he had an interest in music and joined now legendary local band "The Doodletown Pipers", playing piano accordion, and later, jazz flute. Their lone full-length LP, "We're the Doodles!" is now a much sought after collector's dream. But it's such a fine line between musical genius and pure insanity, and Chov's musical stylings left all wondering on which side of the line he actually stood.

Disillusioned with the morally vacant life of the wandering troubador, Chov turned to sports in an attempt to distract himself from constant thoughts of self-pollution. The blood of Europe flowed in his veins, drawing him to the round-ball game, where he once, as legend has it, scored from behind halfway TWICE in a single match. He also played his part in helping now defunct Warilla Sports FC lose every single match of the 1992 season, a feat made all the more peculiar considering the fact they were undefeated through the pre-season. Chov's best contribution of the year was to sledge Sasho Petrovski, whose flaccid goal-scoring was of no assistance to Kiama - a fact Chov took no pleasure in reminding him of.

Only a complete and utter lack of talent prevented young Chov from proceeding through the ranks to play Illawarra Steelers first grade, but his ability to hit the net-cord on any tennis court in the greater Illawarra region, from any position on the court, is the sort of skill spoken about in hushed and revered tones.

Undaunted, he eventually found his way onto the gridiron field, where his massivosity served him well. In an unprecedented display of coat-tail riding, Chov the Gridiron Godzilla chop-blocked and blindsided his way to no less than 5 championships in his adopted sport, and will forever remain a legend in his own mind in pads and helmet.

However, when realising that his dreams of achieving stardom in the USA would remain only dreams, he settled into public service, performing a role that even he can't adequately explain with any credibility.

And now Chov is to wed his Princess, the lovely Samazon, thereby ending his wild untamed single life and quelling all rumours of his "lifestyle choice" and love of showtunes in one fell swoop. Despite on-line petitions and court-injunctions, this once famed "DeathMatch Dating" competitor will now hang up his assless leather chaps and abandon the dating scene in favour of wedded bliss.

In a hit-out on the cans befitting one who lived on the cans for so long, we are planning a day and evening of festivities on Saturday September 6th in Wolllongong, ninety minutes from everywhere but a million miles from care. There will be tall tales, a few refreshments, sporting endeavours, dabbling in the black art of gambling and laughs aplenty. If you are worried about missing your loved ones, don't worry - they won't miss you.

The residents of Wollongong have been warned that ChovBux 2K8 is coming, and are speaking with relevant suppliers to ensure stocks of beer and meat for the weekend are sufficient. The dams are being stocked, the livestock tethered and lady folk forewarned. All is in readiness to send Senor Chov into the bliss of married life. We have the relevant sponsors on board.

We are letting you know that you have been specifically chosen from a field of millions by our specialist panel to take part. This early warning siren is so that you can organise leave passes, get the kids minded, arrange for the dog to be fed, think of yet another excuse for a weekend with the lads, ensure your parole is scheduled etc etc.

Whatever it is you need to do, do it!

As the date gets closer, and if you have registered your interest with the committee, final details of the schedule and venue(s) will be forwarded.

If you can come for the entire weekend, that's tops. If you can only make the Saturday evening, the management understands, but your presence at some point is entirely NECESSARY.

If those of you with small, girlish, hairless balls need some assistance in negotiating time away, here's a few excuses compiled by our panel of experts to get you started or that you may even choose to use*:

* "Honey, just going to the shops, see you Monday!"
* "Pumpkin, Kev Rudd has been on the phone, needs my advice on a few things, see you Monday!"
* "Gorgeous, Chov is getting married!! He might need my advice on how to be a good husband, see you Monday!"
* "Sweety, I've just heard that the saints, oh yes the saints, I say the saints are marching in and dammit, for once I'm going to march with them - see you Monday!"
* "Darling, I need to get in touch with my inner child, see you Monday!"
* "Dearest, it's the voices in my head again, telling me to follow a star - see you Monday!"
* "O Love of my life, I am collecting cans for charity this weekend, see you Monday!"
* "Pet, Chov is getting married!! I need some time to get my head around the idea, see you Monday!"

Start making arrangements!

It's going to be a vodkatastic and beeriffic weekend! Head to the Gong, tell people you're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Chov, and leave your inhibitions behind!! DON'T MISS OUT - LAST CHANCE (Chov really thinks this time marriage will be forever)!!!

* Management accepts no responsibility for consequences suffered as a result of usage.

This post was kindly provided by special guest contributor - they call him The Crackmeister, and the day of his coronation surely can't be too far away.