Monday, August 3, 2009

What a KHunt.

Karmichael Hunt, showing a complete mastery of the AFL-skill "falling over spectacularly and for absolutely no apparent reason". Note the absence of the ball anywhere in this shot.
Karmichael Hunt, or, as this blog prefers to call him, The KHunt, last week officially announced his intention to leave rugby league and the Brisbane Broncos to sign elsewhere.

Ho-hum, really. Even the part about switching to another sport is no longer particularly news-worthy, given the number of league players coming off contract that whore themselves out to French or Japanese rugby these days.

And don't mention Willie Mason's brief flirtation with the NFL. Anyone who knows anything about the NFL (which therefore excludes every staff member of the Daily Telegraph and their families and associates) laughed at that non-story as soon as it was printed.

Also don't mention "boxers" like John Hopoate or Solomon Haumono, or even Mundine for that matter. Chumps the lot, steadfastly choosing to be big fish in a pond so small it is barely worth calling a pi$$-puddle.

No, this particular KHunt buggered off to Gay-F-L, or aussie rules, to play for the new Gold Coast team.

Reading about this was the first time Chov even became aware there WAS such a thing as a "new Gold Coast team" so there you go, learning IS a lifelong calling.

But, really, who the f*ck cares?

Oh, sure, the typical mungo reaction is to get all stroppy like they did when Sonny Bill Williams pi$$ed off, then you have the inevitable whinging about the salary cap blah blah and the general brouhaha that league can't survive its stars being lured away etc etc.

Roll the same f*cken tape as last time, really, that's all it is. Except for Phil Rothfield pinching an idea from the A-League to have marquee players under the cap and f*cken trying to call it his own idea.

No, what amused Chov most about this non-story was, predictably, the media spin on it and the sheer, overwhelming amount of f*cken bull$hit that every second moron spewed forth as "opinion" about the whole thing.

We had those who questioned whether KHunt could really play AFL at the top level. Which is a fair question, I suppose, if I f*cken cared enough about the answer.

The real response encompassed such irrelevant points on the compass as "played a game or two in school" and "knows you get a point for missing" all the way up to "kicked a ball to [Collingwood legend] Nathan Buckley in his trainers" - all of which were apparently evidence he could someday win a Brownlow.

What's so stupid about that paragraph is that you'd be hard pressed to pick which "answer" I made the f*ck up and which two were real.

I mean, f*ck me dead, if that's what counts as talent identification and development in the AFL then I'll chuck my current job in and get a sponsored SUV from the AFL to drive all-expenses paid around Australia the rest of my days as a legendary AFL "scout".

Of course there was also the obligatory denial by the Khunt himself that the traitorous move was motivated by cold, hard f*cken cash. No, it was about the "challenge" and isn't it f*cken always?

But what really elevated this particular f*cken Khunt in Chov's estimation was his quote that it was the challenge of being a "pioneer" in switching to AFL that got his pecker hard in ways a dirty cubicle blow-job could only dream of.

"Being a pioneer in this regard was also particularly appealing," said the Khunt, presumably sober for long enough to string the words together.

So, not content with merely being a lying Khunt and denying what a greedy Khunt he is, he decided to portray himself as a f*cken PIONEER FOR KHUNTS EVERYWHERE, INSPIRING EVERY TOM, DICK AND KHUNT TO EVER GREATER HEIGHTS. YOU TOO CAN BE A KHUNT!

By christ, he's more than an athlete, he's the F*CKEN SIR EDMUND HILLARY OF FOOTBALL'S MOUNT EVEREST! He's doing it FOR ALL THE LITTLE KHUNTS WHO IDOLISE HIM, and for that repressed BIG KHUNT IN ALL OF US!

What a glorious over-estimation of self by a magnificently self-obssessed KHunt.

For that alone he wins this year's "Maurice Clarett Award" - Clarett being the last moron Chov heard of that threw out the old "pioneer" line.

One presumes, then, that the KHunt was ready to play AFL for a 50% pay-cut just because he wanted to be a "pioneer".

Like f*ck he was. Khunt that he is.

But then maybe he was just referring to his desire to introduce a whole new sub-set of female sporting groupies to the joys of toilet-trysts with a hot, sweaty Khunt.

The Khunt estimates how many drunk women he can squeeze into a dirty toilet cubicle for sex at the QLD celebration post-game party.
However, there's also the lifestyle on the Coast, which didn't entirely escape the KHunt's attention.

"Moving to the Coast is going to be fantastic because I really enjoy the city," he told Brisbane's Courier-Mail.

Apropos to nothing, a quote from today's papers:

"WITH their proud club in unprecedented crisis after a record hiding on Saturday night, Broncos stars Justin Hodges and Karmichael Hunt can now be named as two Maroons players at t he centre of Queensland's party-fuelled preparation for Origin III...One player was alleged to be in a "comatose state" on the Gold Coast party strip and Hunt has admitted to partying at exclusive Broadbeach nightclub East on the night in question."

Yeah, the KHunt really enjoys the city all right.

Mind you, to be fair, the Khunt also admits in the Courier-Mail article that he has "...never seen the family side of the city ", and in light of the quote immediately above he does seem to be telling the truth there rather than being a lying KHunt.

But the acme of idiocy in this whole affair was, unsurprisingly, provided by our friends at the worst newspaper in the world - the Daily Telegraph of Sydney - who never met an overreactive piece of f*cken media hype they wouldn't go down on faster than a $10 prostitute.

No sooner had the ink dried on KHunt's contract than they were spinning it into a frenzy of hyperbole, unsubstantiated rumour and wild half-baked half-assed linkages to an out-of-proportion and baseless premise - that suddenly the NRL's stars were all going to leave for AFL-land.

Screams the intro: "...six more NRL superstars have emerged as potential recruits to the cashed-up enemy code."

Not ACTUAL recruits, just potential recruits. Let's play f*cken weasel-word bingo.

"Greg Inglis, Johnathan Thurston and Billy Slater head a marquee list in the AFL crosshairs..."

No mention of who produced this "marquee list", or if it even exists, as opposed to being a FIGMENT OF DEAN RITCHIE'S FEVERISH IMAGINATION.

But maybe there's something to it. Maybe there IS a secret dossier, and this really IS the first salvo in a clandestine war by AFL to snare all of rugby league's top stars...let's examine the Daily Telegraph's evidence...

"And last night the three superstars' managers admitted they would not ignore future offers from the AFL to defect." ACTUAL offers. Just three managers admitting that, if asked to suck uncircumcised cock for money, they WOULDN'T SAY NO STRAIGHT AWAY.

Really, where's the f*cken story?

Is it in the following quotes from George Mimis, whore-agent for Billy Slater?

"Billy is a tremendous athlete - his skills would be suited to any football code, including AFL,'' Mimis said."

Except that his "skills" don't include "being able to grow another 4 feet instantaneously".

"No doubt all the Melbourne AFL clubs would have had a good chance to watch Billy. He has re-signed with the Storm but you would never say never.''

So, every Melbourne-based AFL club has been watching Billy Slater all this time, but when it came time to re-sign with the Storm, NOT F*CKEN ONE OF THEM MADE AN OFFER TO EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.

The Craig Gower-Karmichael Hunt combo - now on sale at NRL Shop for about ten f*cken cents.

But here comes the Telegraph with their best piece of unsubtantiated rubbish yet....based on ABSOLUTELY F*CKEN NOTHING they wet their pants and exclaim....

"The code-swapping is likely to intensify when the AFL moves into western Sydney for 2012."

Eeek! Run to the hills, as my friend the Mayor of Mac Fields is fond of saying in times of greatly over-stated emergency.

Yeah, based on ONE SINGLE DEFECTION in over ONE HUNDRED YEARS of both sports, occurring in a DIFFERENT STATE and DIFFERENT CITY, and in the COMPLETE AND UTTER ABSENCE OF ANY F*CKEN ACTUAL EVIDENCE TO UNDERPIN IT, this quote in the Tele makes heaps of sense, sure.

So, at this rate, the last rugby league player will move to AFL sometime in the year 8445 AD. Brilliant journalism, f*ckwads.

The fact that is is the FIRST F*CKEN TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH that a rugby league player has moved to AFL at this level was so F*CKEN OBVIOUS that even Manly coach Des Hasler COULDN'T F*CKEN MISS IT:

"AFL has certainly struck the first blow."

Captain Obvious was just off-camera when Des made this remark, dusting off his hands and saying "My work here is done!" before attempting to fly away.

"It will be interesting to see how David [Gallop] and the NRL board reacts," Hasler he went on to say.

Well, probably by doing precisely three-thirds of F*CK ALL, Des. Let's face it, the KHunt is a serial offender off the field and I doubt that David Gallop could give a flying monkey-f*ck what he does as he long as he does it in AFL.

NRL Chief David Gallop, reading from a prepared statement: "I am f*cken ecstatic the Khunt will finally besmirch rugby league no more. I am looking forward to no more mornings waking up wondering what the Khunt has gone and done this time. As far as I am concerned, he's now an AFL KHunt. If we could only ship ALLof our KHunts off to AFL I could retire."

Come to think of it, Gallop possibly even organised it behind the scenes, just to saddle the unsuspecting AFL with a trouble-making KHunt, knowing it will only be a matter of time before the drunk KHunt smashes the booze in his favourite haunts in Surfer's Paradise and saves on a hotel room by taking his lady-friends to the bogs instead for a cramped get-to-know-you.

But let's compare and contrast quotes from the Sydney Morning Herald with the sensationlist bull$hit in the Tele.

"THE managers of three NRL stars considered the most likely to be successful AFL converts have scoffed at the notion their clients could follow in Karmichael Hunt’s footsteps."

Slight difference of opinion there, then?

" appears talk is all it will ever amount to."

Israel Folau's agent: ‘‘I don’t think anyone’s even talked about it.’’

Of Jarryd Hayne:
"Hayne is off contract with Parramatta at the end of next season, but when asked if AFL was an option, his agent, Wayne Beavis, said: ‘‘Not at all."

Greg Inglis's agent: "Allan Gainey...said: ‘‘He’s never had an approach … It’s never been mentioned.’’

Wait a minute, didn't the Tele claim to have talked to Greg Inglis's agent as well? Christ, do they even PRETEND to be REAL JOURNALISTS THESE DAYS?

Of course, before you think Chov is giving the Herald a bouquet, they went and af*cken ruined it by asking Laurie Daley, King of All F*ckwits, to make the case for hairy KHunt being a success at AFL.

Why they did is anyone's guess. Chov must have missed the part where Laurie Daley grew a clue about AFL and became a 12-time AFL premiership winning coach.

But hey, it's Laurie Daley, so...cue: imbecile statements? You betcha!

"The one thing you have to be in AFL is courageous..."

Hmmm. So, according to Laurie "Expert on Everything" Daley, there is only ONE, SINGLE, SOLITARY ELEMENT FOR AFL SUCCESS?

And no, according to Laurie Daley IT ISN'T EVEN BEING ABLE TO F*CKEN KICK - so there goes about 15 million non-winning betting tickets getting ripped up - no the winner according to Laurie is just being "courageous".

And you f*cken wonder why I want to pound Laurie Daley's head with a car-door whenever he opens his dumb mouth.

But let's allow the Gay-F-L to have the last word, and simultaneously explain why I love calling it that.

The big KHunt's new coach at the Gold Coast, Guy McKenna: "We will sit down and map out his next 18 months and work out from a physical point of view and a technical side of things a program but I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY HANDS ON HIM."

After concluding the interview at the request of a reporter concerned that the coach was frotting himself on a poster of the ugly KHunt, McKenna took off his pink ballet slippers, grabbed the massage oil and minced into the showers with the rest of his players and staff for a "cool-down" session that lasted four and a half hours.

Quite why they would want a KHunt in AFL is beyond me - will they even know what to do with it?