Friday, March 14, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #7: Penrith Panthers

Team: Penriff Panffers Rulz Roight (pronounced in true Nepean dialect)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: I grew up looking at this team playing in white jerseys that looked as though someone had wiped their ar$e with them, leaving a giant turd-brown stain across the top. Then along came Mark Geyer. The rest is Hatred History.

Special F*ckwit Watch: To coach Matthew Elliott, a snivelling skidmark on the underpants of mankind, a very special "f*ck you" from the bottom of my anus. Oh, sure, I had some time for this bloke when he was coaching the Ragedrs - he seemed decent, lucid - even thoughtful. But now I see that was a clever disguise, which only served to mask the giant throbbing A$$HOLE beneath.

What was it this turd-sandwich said after leaving the Ragedrs to coach Penriff? Something about "well, now watch me REALLY coach, now that I have some GOOD PLAYERS instead of f*cken TURNIPS".

Even if it was true, you don't have to say it, ar$ehole. Just go out and f*cken dazzle us with your f*cken brilliance, why don't ya? Look out NRL Premiership, here comes "Supercoach" Elliott and his uber-talented Panffers!!

Except you must not have anticipated the part, while you were wanking to this fantasy on the crapper, where you FINISHED AT THE SPHINCTER-HOLE END OF THE TABLE.

Bravo, f*ckwit, bravo.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

  • Panffers finish ar$ehole-first in 16th position, with two 423 to nil losses to the Eels.
  • Special bonus losses! - "Supercoach" Elliott beaten by the Ragedrs. Every. Single. F*cken. Time. For the next 2 million years.
  • For just one single F*CKEN YEAR, Channel 9 do NOT f*cken show that f*cken boring cliche footage of Mark "Pussy" Geyer being barge-ar$ed around by Wally Lewis in the pouring rain, Origin '91. Memo: Mark Geyer - you had your f*cken chance, big man, to smash the living $hit out of Lewis, and bring forward his CT scans about 14 years, and you F*CKEN BLEW IT. You F*CKEN FAIRY. So sit down, shut the F*CK UP and stop pretending to be some sort of F*CKEN HARD MAN. Dip$hit.
  • Greg "Has My Voice Broken Yet?" Alexander correctly identifies a tactical nuance in a game of rugby league. Greg, I understand what a "play the ball" is. Trust me. But, f*ck, THANK YOU for pointing out, time after time after time, that a kick from within the 40 that goes out inside the 20 is a....wait for it...."40-20". Ye gods. I just realised without Laurie "The Boston Language-Mangler" Daley on Foxtel, I'll have to listen to more of this ex-Penriff peanut.
  • Phil "The Love" Gould actually goes the whole hog and starts ma$turbating live on air when Channel 9 are covering the Panffers, dropping the f*cken pretence once and for all. Memo: Panffers and Phil Gould - get a F*CKEN ROOM ALREADY.
Overall Hate Factor: 17/10 - F*ck you Penriff, and kiss my nuts "Supercoach" - better luck next year, coaching the Leonay under 7s. Maybe they have the "cattle" for you, peanut.