Thursday, March 13, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #6: Newcastle Knights

Team: Newcastle Knights, also known as "The Brian Smith Experiment v2.0"

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well, see, mostly I laughed. And laughed. And then I laughed. Oh how I laughed.

I laughed because Newcastle hired on Brain Smith (not a typo), finally ending this Eel fan's purgatory (and starting a new era, but that's another preview). That was funny, but it got funnier.

It got funnier when the Newcastle fans were surprised to learn that Brain Smith, in fact, is a f*ckwit, and he wasn't somehow transformed into a genius on his way up the highway. I mean, in the Church of F*ckwitology, Brain Smith is like the f*cken equivalent of Tom Cruise. He's like up to the f*cken 11th level, where he has his own f*cken spaceship in the volcano, and is interpreting early messages from the aliens that explain the secrets of virtual f*ckwitociousness. THAT'S how f*ckwit he is.

And I can't f*cken stand any of their fans, the ones who really f*cken thought that Andrew Johns interview with Phil Gould was "riveting television". And all the f*cken pin-heads who thought JARROD MULLEN was a superstar after THREE MINUTES OF FIRST GRADE. F*ck you all, Knights fans, and your so-called f*cken "passionate support" - the reason you can catch 56 buses down to Sydney for finals games is because THEY SHUT THE PUBS and none of you HAVE F*CKEN JOBS.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

Obviously Brain Smith is going to push hard each and every week for my special NRL F*ckwit of the Week Award (watch out for that one), but here are some other wet-farts in an elevator:
  • Adam "Mars Bar" MacDougall - the highlight of his career was stomping on Geoff Toovey's face in the '97 Grand Final. Sadly he undid this good work by offering up the lamest (or funniest) excuse for failing a drug-test ever - ingesting a Mars Bar before hand. What. The. F*ck?
  • Jarrod "The Next Joey Johns #327" Mullen - probably not his fault, but f*ck me was I the only person in the WORLD who did NOT jump on this dip$hit's bandwagon during State of Origin last year? He's a peanut. He's played 36 seconds. And you f*ckwits think he's the next Immortal. Puh-lease.
  • Wes "Make The Man Some F*cken Iggs" Naiqama - I think he can get his driver's licence back some time in the year 8040 A.D.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:
  • Brain Smith greeted in the car park by a mob of "passionate Newcastle fans" after the Knights lose 814 to nil to the Eels - bearing burning torches and pitchforks. "Burn The Witch!" they cry....
  • Jarrod Mullen picks up the slack with Joey's "dealer" and starts sniffing Clag and Liquid Paper that has not been diluted in the suggested quantities.
  • Danny Buderus actually plays up to his reputation, especially during State of Origin.
Overall Hate Factor: 12/10 - Get f*cked Newcastle. Even BHP got tired of you and f*cked off.