Thursday, March 13, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #1: Brisbane Bonkos

Today we begin Chov's in-depth look at the upcoming NRL season, which I'm spreading over a couple of days because it will waste more work-time that way.

Now, there are readers of this f*cken moronic blog who don't really follow sport. Fear not! All you have to do is read my special F*cktacular NRL Season Preview and you will be armed for all manner of tea-room, BBQ and buck's night conversation scenarios. Simply regurgitate any of my comments and you, too, will look like a f*cken NRL genius, winning the respect and admiration of your peers.

As for those who do follow sport, and the NRL in particular, here is a special insight into just why I hate all your f*cken teams so much. If you want to sook because I slagged off your f*cken team, don't leave a comment, just cry into your f*cken pillow instead.

Team: Brisbane Broncos henceforth Lachlan Murdoch's Bonkos

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Never f*cken once under the salary cap since they started. Coach is a miserable f*cken whiner, even when they win, and somehow tries to appear miffed with the club even though HE was the f*cken one stabbing them in the back and trying to engineer a move to the Sydney Chickens. Also, he SNUCK OUT A F*CKEN BACK DOOR at the airport, rather than man-up and face the music. And despite having almost an entire f*cken state to recruit talent from, the Bonkos still raid other clubs eg. stealing P.J.Marsh from the Electric Eels. Oh, and they wear f*cken maroon and yellow.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Yeah I remember you, Brad "Big Man Me" Thorn, scoring against the "Baby Eels" in the finals in 2000 - you got up and had a big few sledges to throw in against the kids didn't you, big man? Never mind the bunch of kids ran you close (16-10), you showed them didn't you big man, with your f*cken enormous testicles eh? F*ckwit.

But Thorn has pi$$ed off back to Roogbeh so f*ck him. So some dishonourable mentions to take his place in 2008:
  • Justin "In-Goal Pass Is On" Hodges - why someone who f*cks up so much would have such a big f*cken sledging mouth is beyond me. Dip$hit of the highest order.
  • KHunt - apart from a side-step that looks like he's having a f*cken fit, big f*cken woop.
  • Joel "Pigtails" Clinton - possibly the biggest cat in league, ever - spends more time playing with his hair than, well, anything really. Sleeps with a cardboard cut-out of himself. "Men Of League" Calendar in his fridge is permanently open to his own month. However, well worth laughing at as he'll only ever be remembered for being splattered by Sonny-Bill's shoulder. Gold.
  • Tonie "Australopithecus" Carroll - the ugliest human being that evolution has managed to create so far. Must have been born through his mother's ar$ehole. Possesses a jaw that could munch through 13 inches of brick. Apparently can represent New Zealand but still be a Queenslander. Talk about f*cked up QLD geography.
What I'd Love To See In 2008:
  • Darren Lockyer break his leg in 127 places attempting a field goal in Round 1 - by missing the ball and instead kicking Justin Hodges square in the f*cken head, killing him (after 3 weeks in agony in intensive care).
  • Tonie Carroll correctly identify, on a map: #1 where he was born; #2 the state of QLD and #3 the country of New Zealand. And explain how two of the three CANNOT F*CKEN MATCH.
  • Bonkos losing 27 times, including 157-0 loss to Eels.

Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - F*ck the f*cken f*ckers.