Friday, March 14, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #10: St George Illawarra

Team: St George Dragons (when they lose) Illawarra Steelers (when they play in scarlet, play at WIN Stadium, or win)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:

There is nothing but love in my heart for the Illawarra Steelers, hailing from country that God Lord H. Geezus Almighty Christ hisself have BLESSED, namely my home-town Wollongong and the Greater Illawarra region.

On the other hand, f*ck the St George Dragons up the f*cken ar$e with a broken bottle.

F*cken crybabys, your poor little f*cken decrepit, run-down $hit-hole at Kogarah might not be used for footy games. The reasons, of course, are apparent to everyone else who has more than 4 brain cells functioning in unison - its a F*CKEN $HITHOLE. The SUBURB is a $HITHOLE. The GROUND is a SHITHOLE. Your area contributes three thirds of F*CK ALL to the team. If it weren't for the Steelers, you f*cking pieces of $hit would be calling yourselves the Eastern Suburbs Rooster-Dragons, or even the Sutherland Dragon-Sharks by now - and your hackneyed, cliche, boring f*cken overly-precious little Red V would exist only in your coveted Johnny Raper Masturbatorium somewhere inside the Saints Leagues Club.

Your 11 successive grand finals is NOT a f*cken world record, there are soccer teams in leagues around the world who have won more successive titles. But like all Saints fans, don't let the FACTS get in the way of your F*CKWITNESS.

Like the following FACT for instance: your so-called "Taj Mahal" St George Leagues Club went from a $1.9 million profit into a $1.7 million dollar loss in ONE YEAR last year. And you f*cken peanuts want to talk about f*cking off Win Stadium in Wollongong? SORT YOUR OWN BACKYARD OUT, F*CKWITS.

CEO Peter Doust's decision to cut costs means no senior feeder side for the Dragons in the NSWRL. Fine by Illawarra, which has not only the Carlton Illawarra League but ALSO the Group 7 competition running down there. So f*ck you, Kogarah, and f*ck your red V, too. Who needs you?

Heard of Graeme Langlands? Illawarra boy. Craig Young? Illawarra boy, and his f*cken PUB isn't in f*cken KOGARAH, A$$HOLES, and his SON DIDN"T START IN THE F*CKEN ST GEORGE JUNIOR COMP EITHER. Bob Fulton? Illawarra. Steve Roach? Illawarra. Warren Ryan? Illawarra.

We were contributing to rugby league without our own team for a long f*cken time, ar$eholes, when clubs like yours got the benefits without doing a f*cken thing in return. So f*ck you. We had no team, and kept the faith anyway. You poor little f*cktards lose a few home games and want to cry and go follow basketball instead. F*ck off. Go the Steelers, instead. Dean Schifilliti will NEVER DIE!

Special F*ckwit Watch:
  • Mark "I Wasn't Even There, Except When I Was" Gasnier - When he's not seducing women with his silky-smooth phone-manner from the back of a cab, Gaz is usually threatening to go to rugby union to wring more money out of the NRL and Peter Doust. Or lying on a treatment table.
  • Jason "Pillows" Ryles - makes Shane Watson look like the f*cken Iron Man from Planet Indestructible IV. Once dreamed about walking up some stairs; woke up with a torn heart muscle, period pain, an inverted colon, polio, an erection that wouldn't go down and dengue fever. Was out injured for 11 years.
  • Any and all former St George players. Ever.
  • Bob "Client Number 10" Millward - Here's the former Steelers boss who said NO to Superleague and sentenced the Steelers to 27 lifetimes of f*cken purgatory in his haste to frot Ken Arthurson. "No, no Superleague for us," said the monumental f*ckwit, "far better to die altogether and make Chov listen to the f*cking whining bleating of inane St George fans for ever after." Somewhere I hope Mr Millward is suffering from f*cken piles.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:
  • Home-made sex tapes of Peter Doust and Nathan Brown come to light on the internet. Doust and Brown lock themselves into St George Leagues Club and a tense, 392-week hostage stand-off ensues. Finally, Doust agrees to call off the siege if 10,000 Dragons fans who aren't pu$$ies can be found - or else he will detonate 5000000000000kgs of explosives beneath the club and Kogarah Oval and all along Jubilee Ave. 3 fans turn up. 1 satisfies the criteria, but he lives in Finland. Kaboom.
  • With the Dragons gone, the Illawarra Steelers return and win 2000 premierships in a row.
  • Jason Ryles achieves a personal-best 12 minutes of injury-free time.
  • Medical science discovers why the Morris twins are so f*cking ugly. The Pope insists the secret be buried for a million years.
Overall Hate Factor: (Dragons) = 15/10 , (Steelers) = None. I wear my old Steelers jersey to bed, dreaming of the days I wore the scarlet with pride. I love you Craig Walsh! I love you!