Friday, March 14, 2008

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #9: Souths

Team: South Sydney Rabbitohs. 100 years of F*ckwittery. What the f*ck is a "rabbitoh"? The genetic freak result of a 'sexy' (and unholy) union between George Piggins and a rabbit? A rabbit who says "sorry"? A rabbit everyone claims to be a "fan" of, but nobody goes to f*cken watch? What?

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:

Oh I have been waiting for this for some time. Where to start?

F*ck you Souths, you f*cken pi$$-stain on the wall beside the urinal. F*ck you, indeed.

You were good in the '60s or something. So was giving expectant mothers lithium. Get the F*CK OVER IT. It gives you no divine right to F*CKEN ANYTHING in the modern age. For every f*cking obnoxious turd who rallied to get you back into the comp, ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE STAYED THE F*CK HOME. No, not everyone loves you! Not everyone is glad you're back! Some people f*cken hate you with a f*cken passion you can only dream about in your pi$$ant little f*cken fairy-floss and pink butterflies "Book of Feuds" - and I AM THEIR F*CKEN KING.

No, Rusty Crowe, you f*ckwit, we don't all think that league goes well when Souths goes well. Your team has been an insignificant wart in the ar$e-crack of rugby league for 30 odd years, and rugby league has been F*CKING FANTASTIC during that time. Giving out Souths jerseys to every f*cken Hollywood celeb you suck-off through a glory-hole in The Viper Room SETS RUGBY LEAGUE'S INTERNATIONAL GROWTH POTENTIAL BACK FOUR THOUSAND YEARS.

So Ray Martin is a fan? Woop de f*cken doo dah. Ray also thinks David Hicks was just separated from his "Kon Tiki Taliban" tour after pausing to help little Afghani children pick wild chocolate in the fields.

Newsflash Souths: scraping into the finals last season and going ONE AND DONE is NOT f*cken cause to start tipping a grand final within the next 12 months. Scooping up turds off your training field before training doesn't mean your "facilities are world class". Wearing jersey sponsors that are just Rusty Crowe movies is F*CKING STUPID. The Charity Shield really DOES MEAN F*CK ALL. George Piggins is a F*CKING PRAT. A turd in an Armani suit is STILL A TURD.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

  • Russell "It's For You, Answer It With Your Forehead" Crowe - take the amount of love you have for Souths, cube it, double it, square it again - that's how much HATE I have for them. Take your fairy, jessy, wimpy Little Golden Book of Feuds and shove it into your turd-tunnel and then sit back and read my NRL Preview to understand what it means to HATE.
  • David "If You Kids Don't Stop F*cking Around I'll Put My Foot Up Your Ar$e" Kidwell - and he did. And he hurt his knee and missed the rest of the season. I laughed. It couldn't have happened to an uglier man.
  • Nathan "Why Don't I Get Picked For NSW" Merritt - because you are pi$$weak. And $hit. So shut the f*ck up, nobody outside of Rusty Crowe's man-harem cares.
  • Jeremy "Wrong Option, Every Time" Smith - Souths best signing, because it took him away from Parramatta.
  • Nigel "No, It's Not Pronounced That Way" Vagana - you're not the mysterious Fu Manchu. You're just a f*ckwit with a stupid hairstyle and a stupid beard.
  • Dean "Bryan Fletcher Just Thinks I Have A Year Round Tan" Widders - good bench player at Parra, got delusions of grandeur and thought he was fit enough to make an impact for 80 minutes. I laughed.
  • Craig "Pretty Boy" Wing - Posed in a Souths jersey before actually leaving the Chickens. Mouthed off at everybody at the Chickens from the CEO to the kid who peels the oranges. Mouthed off at everybody who likes the Chickens. Mouthed off at anybody who likes anyone who likes the Chickens. Tried to blow up a Steggles truck. And then sooked for Mummy when the Chickens said they were going to "get him". F*ck you Craig Wing, you f*cken lamby-pamby $hit-squirt.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

  • A petition signed by 3 billion people is presented to David Gallop and the United Nations to eradicate South Sydney from existence. Within hours, armed death squads have hit the streets with orders to shoot on sight. Within weeks of their completing their task, a cure is found for cancer, peace is achieved in the Middle East, Tooheys' research & development division creates 13 new flavours of beer (including one called Tooheys 'Sex with Natalie Bassingthwaite'), petrol is $0.05 a litre and women all over the entire planet elect to live topless, forever after.
  • Also, Rusty Crowe makes a movie in which he portrays Muhammad founding South Sydney in 3000 B.C. He is nominated for an Academy Award and loses to the guy who played Screech in Saved By The Bell. Meanwhile, rabid Islamic fundamentalists all over the world issue a fatwah on Rusty's a$$. He is forced to sell up his stake in Souths and live as a hermit, NEVER F*CKEN OPENING HIS MOUTH AGAIN.
  • And the Eels beat Souths 224 to nil and 843 to nil.
  • Nathan Merritt accidentally runs into a tackle bag at training. He breaks 112 bones and is out for 4 years.
  • Craig Wing gets pregnant.
Overall Hate Factor: 7,212/10 - Altogether now...."F*ck You, F*ck You To South Sydney!"