Monday, March 3, 2008

How to make the banks wet their pants. By Kevin Rudd aged 50 and 1/2.

Well I would apologise about yet another post on politics - if I cared. Which I don't. So I won't.

Come the f*ck on, when there's this much good material how can I be expected to let it pass through to the keeper without a rant on it as it whizzes by?

Saint Kevin the Infallible, Patron Saint of Working Families, is at it again.

And by "at it again" I mean taking time out from preparing his specialty signature-dish "(description courtesy of the Michelin Guide 2008)...pan-seared Ear-Wax medallions accompanied by a red-wine and ear-wax jus, served with an ear-wax and porcini mushroom emulsion..." to rock my world with yet more F*CKWITosity.

Now didn't I just finish explaining to you that Saint Kevin is, in fact, just another lying, cheating, smarmy f*cking politician? I did, didn't I?

Well here's what I'm talking about. PAY F*CKING ATTENTION.

Whilst on the campaign trail for last year's federal election, Saint Kevin The Then-Unascended lost no f*cken opportunity to recite this f*cken boring mantra in relation to rising interest rates, or something like it anyway:

"Five, no wait, six, hold on, seven broken promises"

See what he did there? Oh it was so f*cken clever. He counted the number of times interest rates had risen under the Dirty F*cken Arrogant Liberal Party and called them "broken promises". Oh it's so so deliciously clever isn't it? Oh, I say, Beatrice, doesn't it just make one want to read Dickens and quote Keats so that one may appear as clever as Saint Kevin?


Fast forward to today and Saint Kevin is now the big boss, because everyone voted for him twice and, by the beard of f*cken ODIN THE MOTHERLESS AVENGER, ye olde SAINT KEVIN will show them f*cken banks who's boss alright, won't he? He'll have them bitch-slapped down to their f*cken knees, begging to kiss his Imperial Ring and whimpering like the F*CKEN quivering miserable sycophants they are, right!?

Oh yes, oh yes, oh he will, ye great unwashed masses, for that is what he spake from atop the mountain did he not? That ye, oh poor Working Families, suffering art thou, open thy hands unto Saint Kevin, and he shall pi$$ upon thy hands and thou shalt drink of the pi$$ and call it sweet wine!! Oh joy! Rapture!! Frot me, Saint Kevin, frot me for I am aroused by the very thought of you pimp-f*cking those banks into submission!!

So what happened now to get Chov's arterial-feed to his brain THUMPING against his f*cken forehead in RAGE, threatening to EXPLODE?

Well, see, the Reserve Bank board meets tomorrow and, if we are to believe nerdy-corporate types, apparently way smarter than you and me, it will raise interest rates again.

Also, it will vote for some better Danish pastries for the next meeting, and plunger coffee not that instant $hit. Seconded. Passed. Etc. Then they will all pi$$ off to play squash and slam the north shore party circuit trying to root horny socialites with loose morals until next month.

So here's where Saint Kevin the Infallible becomes Saint Kevin the Hard-Ar$ed Liberator, right?

I mean, that's how the legend goes - the one they'll be teaching in all public schools next year in the National Curriculum - right?

Oh, you can bet on it. Watch him, now, he has fired up! He is wearing armour! He is on his white charger! He brandishes a f*cken great sword and a lance and other weapony-type $hit for smoting! Grrrr!

"When it comes to the individual decisions of the commercial banks, they make those."

Err....what? But....but....YOU'RE the Prime Minister! YOU'RE SAINT KEVIN THE LIBERATOR!! Speak to us, oh Saint Kevin! Spank us if need be! Spank us! But let us not fall to the dust of the earth in despair!

A hush befalls the crowd. Presumably they are munching on some loaves and fish that Saint Kevin has passed around because the f*cken caterers are late. As usual.

He speaks again! Hark! Here shall spring the words of VENGEANCE! A Rallying Cry in the Dark! Hark! Hark again I say! His very words will shake the mountains and CRUSH THE BANKS!

"And if they move outside official interest rate settings, then, mindful of the general circumstances of financial markets at the time," and here his testicles SWELL TO TWICE THE SIZE OF A MAN'S FIST, AND HIS DEEP AND MIGHTY VOICE RAISES, "I'm sure the government won't be RESTRAINED FROM MAKING APPROPRIATE COMMENT."


And if you f*cken try any of that $hit again, banks, he'll be back, and next time he'll f*cken WAG HIS FINGER AS WELL!