Friday, February 29, 2008

"Oh $hit, what have we done here?...."

In a shock move nobody could have anticipated, it seems that a biker gang in Sydney's south-west were actually responsible for crime NOT occurring.

Sometimes the best comedy is the stuff that really, actually happens instead of the stuff that striking Hollywood writers for Jay Leno crap out every day.

If you didn't hear or read about it, allow Chov to fill you in (and of course give you his own ridiculous bent at the same time).

Side-note: I've only been blogging for a week and I'm already getting delusions of grandeur and referring to myself in the third-person.

Basically, two morons armed themselves with machetes, slapped on some balaclavas and charged into Regents Park Sports Club with a view to exchanging goods and services for cash.

In their case, the 'service' they intended to provide was "slap around a few patrons, jump over the bar and threaten staff with a machete, also have a round of Keno if we have some time", and therefore the Club, suitably impressed with the entertainment, would rush to provide them with cash in exchange. Unsurprisingly, the two goons could see no flaws at all in this plan.

See this is the sort of entrepreneurial acumen that you can only get at, say, Alan Bond University. Remember, we're the country that gave Christopher "No, I Really AM F*cken Sick!" Skase a head-start in life for ideas nearly as bad as this one. "Yeah, I'm good for the money, don't worry Mr MGM Executive - haven't you heard of my international company QINTEX - see that i-o-u for $50 zillion dollars? See that's AS GOOD AS MONEY, right there..."

Anyways, due to impending court proceedings against them, I can't name the two "alleged" bungling burglars, so I shall merely call them Dip$hit #1 and Dip$hit #2. If, by happenstance, these are their REAL names (and it COULD be true) I can only apologise. And laugh.

So the Dip$hit Twins think they're onto a plan that can't fail. And, let's be honest, things are going swimmingly at first - just like in Point Break where everything goes well for the Ex-Presidents until they break their own rules and "go for the vault."

See, the Dip$hit Twins broke their own hard, fast rule of robbery: Thou shalt not purloin from establishments that be hosting the AGM OF THINE LOCAL BIKER CLUB.

There is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, that I could type next that would be funnier than the actual quote taken from yesterday's Sydney Morning Herald:

""FIFTY of us jumped out of our seats and raced out to the main bar," said club president Jerry "Jester" van Cornewal."

As Point Break's Bodhi would have remarked at this point, if he were a f*cken Dip$hit Twin instead of an Ex-President: "Life sure has a sick sense of humour, don't it Johnny?"

Of course at this point the Dip$hit Twins start running like a French Colonel through the Ardennes, and no comedic chase would be complete without someone smashing head-first through a glass door, leaping off a five-metre balcony and trying to escape across a bowling green. And that's precisely what Dip$hit #1 did. Well, he did, but first he tried to tell the director that he'd be in his trailer until they got a stunt-double who wasn't so fat, but 50 bikers chasing after you will do nothing if not refine your ability to make QUICK decisions.

Maybe not GOOD ones, but certainly f*cking QUICK ones.

Dip$hit #2 exited via an...err...exit actually. And here's where President "Jester" outwitted him thanks to having seen every episode of Cop Shop ever made - he ran outside to wait by the door that Dip$hit #2 had to emerge from eventually.

Which he did, whereupon President "Jester" crash-tackled him. And here's where the NRL judiciary f*cks over its first victim of the season, see, because Dip$hit #2 wriggles free. And why?

Because President "Jester" was too hesitant, fearing he'd be penalised for a GRAPPLE TACKLE.

So well f*cken done David Gallop, I hope you're happy. Rugby league has done just fine for 100 years with squirrel grips, wedgies, eye-gouges and pimp-slaps, until YOU had to come along and f*ck around with it because a few nancy-boys couldn't handle a simple choke hold, and NOW CRIMINALS ARE ALMOST GOING FREE BECAUSE OF IT.

But never fear, because two other bikers named "Bulldog" and "Brad" (who obviously is a junior associate member waiting for his Nickname Ceremony) came across in cover defence and smashed Dip$hit #2 into touch, all in slow-mo high-definition.

And still Shayne Hayne gave the feed to the ensuing scrum to the WRONG F*CKEN TEAM.

So then they "hog-tied" him (because f*ck, you can always count on bikers to have some HOG-TYIN' ROPE handy can't you?) and, in a staggering world first, the bikers then WAITED FOR POLICE TO ARRIVE.

Somewhere the very fabric of space and time strained to its mathematical limits at this point. We shall never know how close we came to an implosion of the Universe as it sagged under the staggering weight of intracosmic ironic contradiction and logic-displacement.

Yet again, though, we arrive at a juncture in the piece where the actual quote is funnier than me - this time from club founder and lamingtons-provider Noel "Bear" Mannix as he weighs in with an early contender for Quote of the Year:

"It was very hard to see the expressions on their faces because of the balaclavas, but I imagine it was something along the lines of "Oh $hit, what have we done here?""

Pure. Comedy. Gold.

"Guess we must have ourselves an ass-hole shortage huh Utah?..."

Johnny Utah: "Not so far..."

So, when all was said and done, the Dip$hit Twin's short-lived reign of unintentionally-comedic terror was thwarted and Regents Park Sports Club patrons were able to return to driving their social security benefits through the poker-machines one slap at a time; and to the Bistro for their schnitzel-and-chips family dinners. What a southwestern Sydney idyll.

Of course, what next for the honest, community-minded, law-abiding heroes of this feel-good, heart-warming tale?

"Order, order! Yeah, so before our AGM was so rudely interrupted, we were about to hear from "Bazza" with his half-yearly profit forecasts from our Meth-Amphetamine Division - also "Snake" was next up to report on several promising strategies to take advantage of growth potential in our Gun Smuggling Department, our Ladies Auxilliary had a few words to report on how our Junior Pole-Dancing Initiative '08 was going and "Face-Cutter" was due to table his Treasurer's Report, in absentia, courtesy of New South Wales Correctional Services."