Most normal people wouldn't give two-thirds of a flying f*ck about the Parliament of Australia's Senate Standing Committee on Finance and Public Administration.
And they would be right not to.
Happily for readers of this preposterous blog, Angry Chov is not most normal people.
You see, this FaP Commitee, according to its web-page at http://www.aph.gov.au/Senate/committee/fapa_ctte/ctte_info/index.htm "maintains oversight over three portfolios..." which is Government-speak for "meets a few times a year for sandwiches and to grill senior public servants like its the f*cken Star Chamber over absurd items nobody else cares about".
Unfortunately, we all pay for this exercise in fecund Machiavellinism, in more ways than one.
See, in THEORY, the Committee is supposed to catch dirty f*cken public servants and arms of Government who are up to NO-GOOD DIRTY F*CKEN TRICKS with public money.
In THEORY, it does this by asking questions thusly:
"You, sir, *pointing at senior public servant*, are you up to NO-GOOD DIRTY F*CKEN TRICKS with public money?!" (Subtlety is hard to guage in writing isn't it?)
Now only a f*ckwit of galactic proportions would answer this question in any way resembling "f*ck yeah, of course" and so the entire procedure becomes a wily dance wherein f*cktards from all sides of politics twist themselves up in ever increasing webs of intrigue and bull$hit as they either strive to avoid giving a "yes" answer or strive to catch someone unawares in a "yes" answer - in flagrante delicto, as it were. Except not the saucy, INTERESTING kind of flagrante delicto, just the regular, why-is-this-movie-3-f*cken-hours-long-boring kind.
After two days of this f*cken crap, nobody has slipped up and they all pack up the circus tent and go back to doing whatever it is that Senators and senior public servants do in between Committee hearings.
My personal theories are: For 25 marks, Express Yourself As A Turd, Through Interpretive Dance - suggested time, 5 minutes (for the former); and running a vast, multimillion dollar criminal international underground cock-fighting network (for the latter). But as yet I lack proof.
Now this post is essentially a public service that I am devoting to you, because there is simply nothing I want more in this world than to elevate your faith in our elected parliament. I want you to cast away your rags, forget your buried weapons caches, abandon your plans for revolution and Oklahoma City bombings and cease referring to Canberra as "the f*ckin Gu'mment" and instead gaze in wonder at those who serve the people, fearlessly and forthrightly elevating administrative f*ckwitosity to breathtaking new levels, on our behalf.
See, of all the wondrous and devious potential misappropriations that the Committee could have sought out and brought to light for us to scorn, your elected Senators instead focused on (and I'm not f*cken making this $hit up)....
...whether or not the illustrious Saint Kevin the Infallible's (i.e the Proym Ministah's) f*cken DOG and f*cken CAT pi$$ and $hit inside or outside The Lodge (i.e that house what the Proym Ministah lives in, hey), and in executing the functions of said f*cken pi$$ing and $hitting, whether they are supervised personally by suitably qualified members of Kevin 07's staff, and pursuant to the actions of said pi$$ing and $hitting, precisely whom is paying, and how much, for the repair of potential damage caused by said pi$$ing and $hitting in the Lodge and surrounds.
Now don't feel ashamed if, in fact, you missed this in the news and on the front page of every national newspaper. Because SURELY it was there, and you only missed it because other, more pressing, matters distracted you.
So allow me to whip you up a highlights package of Our Nation, Your Government, For All Australians!
The impressively capitalised and hyphenated, but cranially vacuous, Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS: "...Given that at the Lodge we now have the new residents (and see at this point you're thinking well, yeah, the PM and his family....WRONG AGAIN DIP$HITS!) Abby, the golden retriever...and the pet cat, Jasper, there is probably likely to be added costs for lawn restoration at the Lodge. Is there going to be a budget for that?"
Senator Faulkner responds, in a brief and sadly unheralded victory for common sense over f*cktardness everywhere, "Why would there need to be?" only I think the transcript has omitted the "...you stupid f*cktard" from the end of that retort, but I can't be entirely certain.
Now, put aside, for the moment, Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS's obvious disregard for national security by PUBLICALLY NAMING both the Prime Ministerial dog AND cat without due regard to their safety and security.
The good Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS shall not be stopped there!!
Oh, no, Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS cannot rest while there is potential GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION yet to be ROOTED OUT!! She is nothing if not a CHAMPION OF THE PEOPLE!! HEAR HER ROAR!!!
Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS (displaying the sharp-as-a-F*CKEN-TACK insightfulness that characterises her contribution to Parliament): "Having myself had cats and dogs in the past, and lawns, I just make the observation."
Thank you, Senator, for letting us know you haven't, all this time, been living in the f*cken International Space Station. It is a real relief. What a curriculum vitae, though.
"Current employment: Senator. Former experience: Once owned n x dog and n x cat (where n > 1). Oh, also once had n x lawn as well, don't leave that out."
Somewhere they are looking for volunteers for experimental pharmaceutical testing, and sadly the prolifically F*CKWITTED Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS is being wasted here instead.
Senator Faulkner: "I think the Prime Minister, in fact, has commented that the Rudd family has restrained their dog...from digging up the garden. He also described that as a big challenge."
Now I bet you had your doubts that a Prime Minister who eats his own ear-wax could run a democratic nation of some 20 million. Well fear not, kids, because this intellectual GIANT is currently locked in a f*cken BATTLE OF WILLS with his DOG, and the BATTLEGROUND for this EPIC ENCOUNTER is not Afghanistan, Iraq or East Timor; it's the proverbial BACKYARD OF THE NATION.
That's right, folks, stopping the f*cken dog from digging up the garden is a....(wait for the actual quotation marks)..."BIG CHALLENGE" for Saint Kevin, Patron Saint of Working Families.
But SLEEP WELL, Australia, because Senator Faulkner informs us that, SO FAR, the PRIME MINISTER IS AHEAD ON POINTS..."I am advised that Abby the dog (lucky you clarified that Senator, because I was having trouble keeping up with the cast list of ONE CAT AND ONE DOG so far) has not caused any damage to the gardens or grounds."
Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS: "That is very good to hear."
Senator FIERRAVANTI-WELLS sleeps soundly every night, knowing she has performed her duty for her nation. Sadly, she is a little confused, some would say even a little hurt by the fact that this sterling effort has gone largely un-noticed in the anals of history. No, that was not a typo.
Senator Faulkner: "I knew you would be pleased to be so informed."
At this point the public gallery had to subdued with pepper-spray, presumably, such was their level of disquiet.
Senator Faulkner (skipping forward several PAGES): "Would you like to hear about Abby's brief toilet trips outside, for example?"
Oh goody, yes, clap clap....OF COURSE F*CKING NOT.
Mind you, I am happy to hear that Abby the PM's Dog is "brief" in her business. It would be a bit unnerving to see Abby grab the day's copy of The Canberra Times broadsheet and a can of air-freshener on her way out, remarking "Don't wait up, this could take a while," to the family.
And so follows PAGES of exchanges regarding the general "making toilet" habits of the PM's cat and dog. Which, even edited, would make your f*cken head explode at the inanity of it all.
No, let's instead end this now the only reasonable way it could end - with the sure-to-be-IMMORTAL-words of Senator Faulkner....: "I know there is a lot of interest...about the PM's dog and the PM's cat, but I suspect, to be honest with you, THAT IT IS NOT A MAJOR ISSUE BEYOND THIS SENATE ESTIMATES COMMITTEE."
And you thought nobody was talking any sense around here, didn't you?