Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Oblivious update...

So I have continued with my Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion gaming experience.

Check out my earlier blog for the intro, because I can't be f*cked explaining it all again. Pay attention up the back there, I'm blogging for YOUR benefit you know.

Anyways, here is what I managed to accomplish in several real-time hours of gaming:

  • Walk around city
  • Continue walking
  • Find a city-run commerce shop and buy a house
  • Walk all over f*cken city LOOKING for my new house
  • Continue walking and looking for my new house
  • Still more walking and looking for my new house
  • Enter house that I think is my house
  • Discover it is not my new house
  • I am arrested
  • Taken to jailhouse
  • Pay fine
  • Released from jailhouse
  • Resume walking and looking for my new house
  • Find my new house on very outskirts of city
  • Enter my new house
  • Look around my new house
  • Conclude that my new house is a real $hithole
  • Decide to walk to trading shop to buy furniture for my $hithole
  • On my way past a boat moored in harbour, I am warned by captain (a dark elf) not to get on the boat or there will be trouble
  • I get on boat
  • There is trouble
  • Kill several sailors
  • I am arrested
  • Taken to jailhouse
  • Pay fine
  • Released from jailhouse
  • It's late, so I walk back to my $hithole (it may not be much but it's mine)
  • Sleep in my bed
  • Up early in morning, walk to shop
  • Too early, shop not open yet
  • From downstairs, Samantha (aka The Samazon) asks what swearing is about and am I ok?
  • Yell out yes all is fine
  • Mumble f*cken f*cken f*cken
  • Still annoyed, use lock-pick skills to break into shop
  • I am arrested
  • Taken to jailhouse
  • Pay fine
  • Released from jailhouse
  • Walk back to shop
  • Shop open, so I enter, intending to complain about opening hours
  • Instead, buy fantastic new furniture package
  • Amazed at my own haggling skills
  • Excitedly run back across city to see my new furniture in my $hithole
  • Get lost
  • Swear loudly
  • Reluctantly consult instruction manual
  • Utilise newly discovered "map" function to navigate back to my $hithole
  • Discover that my new decor has been designed by an interior designer who failed the auditions for "Changing Rooms"
  • However, discover I have a fruit bowl with fruit in it
  • On a table
  • Eat fruit
  • Having exhausted all the uses to which my new house can be put, I leave
  • Walk to city stables
  • I have discovered the only stables in the entire f*cken Realm that have horses but do not sell horses
  • Steal horse
  • I am arrested
  • Taken to jailhouse
  • Pay fine
  • Decide horse can be acquired some other time
  • Decide to walk cross country to next city (and, in so doing, follow the main quest)
  • Make it 500 metres before some local moron asks me to do his fishing for him on account of some leg problem he is having
  • After 5 minutes of repetitive conversation, clarify that "leg problem" = "has no leg" = "can't fish"
  • Search for conversation option: "Tell local moron to shove fish up his ar$e"
  • Cannot find it
  • Instead choose conversation option: "Laugh in his face"
  • Desired effect achieved, conversation over
  • I carry on walking
  • Walk up hills
  • Walk down hills
  • Walk along road
  • Stop at intersection to read signs and make sure I am on correct road
  • Discover I am not on correct road
  • Swear loudly
  • The Samazon threatens to remove my computer game privileges unless I can keep my swearing to a volume that the "neighbours can't hear".
  • I swear softly
  • Resume travel on correct road
  • Am attacked by bandit
  • Bandit is some sort of cat-person
  • Kill cat-person-bandit
  • Loot dead cat-person-bandit
  • Items available to loot from dead cat-person-bandit = "fur cuirass", "fur boots", "fur greaves" and "fur helmet"
  • Wonder aloud why a cat-person, covered in natural fur, would require supplementary fur
  • Wonder aloud how f*cken useful "fur cuirass" would be in protecting wearer from weapons in all classifications above "plastic fork class IV"
  • Observe dead cat-person bandit
  • Have answered my own question
  • Satisfied, I carry on
  • Walk
  • Continue walking
  • Walk some more
  • Run
  • Get tired too fast
  • Resume walking
  • Notice night falling (i.e screen is f*cking black, stars in sky etc)
  • Break into abandoned farmhouse to spend night sleeping in abandoned bed
  • Morning, continue on way
  • Arrive at next town
  • Immediately arrested, taken to jailhouse, pay fine etc etc
  • Fast forward 5 minutes
  • The Samazon makes room on lounge for me as we settle in to watch "Temptation Island UK"
  • Meanwhile, camera pans across empty home office, stops at computer desk, slow zoom toward silent computer, observe computer set to "off" position
  • Credits roll