Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Arsene Wenger to donate match fee to Fred Hollows Foundation!

Arseanal FC manager, "Professor" Arse Wenger has apparently had his acute short-sightedness (lat: myopia fucktardia) cured in a single flash of lightning on the weekend. Or maybe it was the rather loud CRACK of Eduardo's leg bones breaking that snapped the good Prof out of his painstakingly thorough grass blade-by-grass blade examination of the pitch (but more of that in a moment).

It seems that the good Prof did actually see the Brummies' Martin Taylor kung-fu the F*CKING HELL out of Eduardo's leg during l'Arse's draw with Birmingham on the weekend. Taylor must have activated his magic Streetfighter combo finisher move (circle-circle-square-up-up-down-down) because he F*CKING WELL DESTROYED Eduardo's lower leg.

Either that or Eduardo has some serious calcium deficiency going on, leading to brittle bones (and more on my ability to make these diagnoses from afar later...)

Yes, yes, oui, oui, Proffesor Arse saw that little incident alright. Clear as a f*ckin bell he did. And had a few choice words to say about Mr Taylor before retracting them the next day - but that's not the actual point here.

Let's, for contrast, cast our minds back just a few days to l'Arse being smashed by Man Utd in the FA Cup.

Here we have a match wherein one of Arseanal's talentless clobbers is sent off for a challenge that, but for the grace of Invisible Omnipotent Ghost Guy, could have ended up similarly to Mr Taylor's lunge.

That is - crack, ouch. F*ck. Eeeeeew.

Evidentiary quote cherry-picked from completely arbitrary website:

"Arseanal's (sic) cause was not helped by the sending off of...Eboue early in the second half for a high challenge on Nani." Chov's note: I think it was actually Evra, not Nani, but that's by-the-by.

Now of course all reasonable readers of this ridiculous blog will expect the Prof to condemn this challenge as vociferously as he condemned Mr Taylor.

And, of course, you'd be F*CKEN WELL MISTAKEN.

And how about, in the same match, l'Arse's captain, William Gallas, taking it upon himself to display all those manly, tough, indomitable qualities we all admire in 'fighting' Frenchmen, and fearlessly kicking Nani whilst the 21 year old HAD HIS BACK TURNED. Now I admit it's not often a Frenchman in a fight would see the back of his opponent, but the little Frog didn't miss his chance did he?

Once again, we would all expect the Prof to condemn this act of violent cowardice (I'm not sure there is such a thing, but there you go) in line with his views on dangerous thugs in foopball, wouldn't we?


Quote from the good Prof re: the red card...

"Nani was very good today but he did not need to juggle the ball."

And what from the Prof about Gallas, his captain, kicking a player while his back is turned and the ball is out of play:

"Arsene Wenger claimed he did not see Gallas' kick and instead taunted United by saying their poor pitch could cost them the title."

So let's get this straight.

It's ok for l'Arse players to kick the snot out of anyone they deem has offended them by displaying skill. In fact, f*ck the f*ckers, says Wenger, kick the f*cking tripe out of them, smarmy little f*cks. How dare they beat us!

So the poor, precious little f*ckers from l'Arse assert that nobody has any right to 'humiliate' them because, well, thay said so. Ner.

And when his captain, true to Froggy form, fights like a Frenchman, the Prof is actually preoccupied with amateur horticulture DURING THE GAME, with his attention distracted at the crucial moment by mentally calculating the dilution rate of Weed'n'Feed in the watering can so that he can pass it on to United's ground-staff on his way out.

So it's just f*cken lucky that Birmingham had been hand-weeding the pitch all week leading up to l'Arse's visit so that the Prof wasn't distracted when Eduardo had his foot detached from the end of his leg.

F*cking prat.

And what, exactly, is it with amateur medical professionals making all sorts of f*cken medical opinions public knowledge almost immediately after extracting them from the depths of their lower colon?

First we had Eduardo's career in doubt - based on f*cken what exactly? Internet photos apparently, and some guy who played 12 years ago who broke his leg and never played again.

F*cken genius link that. They should join Channel Nine's new smash series - CSI F*CKING OBVIOUS - with logic like that.

Fast forward ONE SINGLE DAY and the opinion of people WHO ACTUALLY OPERATED ON EDUARDO is that he could be back running in 6 to 9 months.

But did that stop today's F*cktard of the Day, Mr Tim Allardyce, from weighing in with his DR NICK RIVIERA OPINION?

Of course it f*cken didn't - if it did I wouldn't be f*cken well ranting about it now, would I?

Tim, after an exhaustive medical examination of PHOTOS ON THE INTERNET, followed by extensive consultations WATCHING REPLAYS ON YOUTUBE, followed by poring over the results of lab-testing CONDUCTED ENTIRELY UP HIS OWN F*CKING AR$E, concluded:

"You can lose the foot, simple as."

Oh, but 2008's potential Nobel Prize for Medicine winner didn't just stop there. How about these for insightful comments from Tim, known to his colleagues as CAPTAIN F*CKING OBVIOUS:

"Imagine your worst ankle sprain and make it about 10 times worse..."

"He could be out for several months" (I like the way he doesn't commit here...he could be out...yeah he could also HAVE A F*CKING LEG TRANSPLANT I suppose, better leave that door open eh?)

"Potentially, the bones will heal..."

"Once you've sustained such a serious injury, you'll always tend to be aware of it..."

Special note to readers who may be patients of Mr Allardyce....GET A F*CKING SECOND OPINION.