Thursday, December 4, 2008


Well, it made me laugh...

For those who can't be bothered following the link and reading the story (and there will be many of you) allow Chov to both refer to himself in the third person and also explain.

Once upon a time a completely and utterly insignificant $hit-splat of a "death-metal" band formed in Sweden.

As an aside, it bemuses Chov and stumps modern science that Scandinavia, seemingly a place of liberal idyll in the modern world, should produce and export about 99.9% of the world's "death metal". Quite why there should be so many angry death-metallers spawned in such a lovely place is beyond me. Perhaps it is because all their cute, blond pig-tailed and big-breasted women are off backpacking around the world and there are none left at home. Whatever.

Anyway, this completely unheard of band called themselves NIFELHEIM, apparently because they are so SATANIC and EVIL no other word in any human language could evoke the sheer stanic-ness and evil-osity of this band.

Or it might have just been the name of a bedroom suite from the last 'IKEA' catalogue.

In Chov's humble opinion, these guys are to "EVIL" and "SATANIC" what Dark Helmet from Spaceballs was to...err...well..."EVIL" and "SATANIC".

That is, a f*cken joke. But at least Mel Brooks knows what a joke is when he sees it, even if he is looking in the mirror at the time.

Allow a band-member of NIFELHEIM (warning: merely saying this name invokes EVIL SATANIC...err...STUFF TO HAPPEN...err...POSSIBLY) to speak for himself....

Note: seeing as "normal" names couldn't convey his sheer evilaciousness and satanicasmosity, he decided to call himself (I $hit you not..) "Vengeance From Beyond". Which must have sounded cool on the Quake message boards, but translates to 'real-life' rather poorly.

No, really, that's his EVIL-SOUNDING name. Some other moron in the band answers to "Apocalyptic Desolator", which must be quite a handy Scrabble score, and yet another tool in the band goes by "Insulter of Jesus Christ", or sometimes just "Nigel" for short.

Anyway, Mr From Beyond describes the terrifying evil of NIFELHEIM thus:

"...a total attack of satanic black metal...a true synergy of evil..."

To which I can only wet my pants and squeal....Eeeek!

And, once more....eeeek!

Chov's alternate description, without even having heard a note, might be "shit". But you make up your own mind.

Now I had to get my legal team to work with just so I could type the following sentence...

NIFELHEIM's latest album is called *ahem* "ENVOY OF LUCIFER".

Are you ok?

See, and their legal representatives were concerned that the name of the album was SO EVIL that merely READING THE NAME could cause innocent people to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST from FEAR.

So, now that I have reduced my readership to approximately 0.00 I could stop here. But I won't.



Ooooh, EVIL!!!!

EEEEK! (cue: fainting, screaming, general $hitting of pants in fear etc etc)

They also have a song, or EP, or something, called "Sepulcral Fornication" which is interesting but far too complicated to be a good name for a Porn flick, even one containing vampire lesbos. And it should be "sepulchral" anyway. Morons.

Anyway, this band, or more specifically their bass player "Tyrant" (his brother's name is "Hellbutcher" stop laughing they are EVIL remember?), saw fit to slag off a few people in the "biz" recently. And, you know, he can, because, you know, NIFELHEIM have sold about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 records and he is the bestest and most evilopturous bassist. Ever.

He probably also thinks he is a real DEMON in the sack (hahahahah I write all my own material, honest).

So, anyways, "Tyrant" is obviously giving his interview sitting on giant piles of cash and surrounded by millions of gold records when he says "Motley Crue and Municipal Waste are likely the worst bands in the world."

Well, one of them MIGHT be, according to taste, but the other is simply a problem for your local council. No point ragging on to some Swedish metal fanzine about it, as I doubt they are experienced waste-management consultants.

I also like the way he says "likely", leaving himself a little bit of room for later correction, just in case he appears FOOLISH.

"Next to Metallica," he adds, for effect.

At some point, Mr Tyrant might pause to consider just how it has eventuated that an apparently crap band like Metallica can sell millions of albums while his little outfit, despite their ties to the DARK LORD HIMSELF, can barely scrape together enough money to buy a Happy Meal, let alone hot Goth groupies and endless lines of cocaine.

Either Lars and the dudes in 'Tallica have just a TEENSY bit more talent than he's giving them credit for, or else Beelzebub Metal Management Inc. aren't quite living up the hype in their ads. Or perhaps getting a high-score playing "Jordan" on Guitar Hero "Expert" setting isn't really the platform to world domination and endless #1 records that Tyrant and his man-buddies think it is.

But what made me laugh most of all (yes, even more than this bunch of idiots being even less EVIL and SCARY than Niklas Bendtner's PINK BOOTS) was when Mr Tyrant described "Dimebag" Darrell (the now-dead former guitarist of Pantera and Damageplan) as a "f*cking glam-fag".

Hello Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle....yes that's right, allow me to introduce to the stage....Mr Tyrant himself!! Complete with signature-series Tyrant Mascara (TM)!

Avert your eyes, children, he's the TRUE SYNERGY OF EVIL, not some "f*cken glamfag"!

And no, you haven't just stumbled into the "Relax" video by "Frankie Goes To Hollywood". This is NIPPLEHEIM...errr...NIFELHEIM - the world's MOST EVIL BAND!!! EEEEEK!!! No glamfags, or girl-germs, or kittens, or dolls allowed!! 'Cos we're SCARY AND EVIL, US!!! GRRRR!