Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hybrid Game = Like Combining A Shit And A Turd

Because I like to observe morons in their natural habitat, I often check out the "comments" section when surfing the web.

There is nowhere else on Earth where idiocy is compressed into such super-density it almost becomes diamond.

I especially like when someone responds to someone else's comment that was so long ago it's now 127 pages back and of course nobody remembers it so the reply makes no f*cken sense whatsoever.

Eg. "Re: Sir Bustanut III - yeah well so r u, dickcheese, and BTW the hydrogen is in the car, ketchup - yeah right I thought so - STFU mofo."

Yeah, that learned him.

This week's Daily Telegraph (often referred to by this blog as the Daily Rag - I would say toilet paper but seeing as it's full of shit already it would be useless for that purpose...) has given me plenty of laughs in this regard.

I think it started with a general 'beat-up' piece by Paul Kent.

In it, the hyper-excited little wannabe journalist claimed that a Wallabies vs Kangaroos (Union v League) hybrid game for charity was pretty much a done deal.

It was exposed as a 'beat-up' (i.e a steaming pile of turd) within 24 hours when the ARU and ARL both took time out from laughing themselves stupid to can the idea.

Of course, Kent then wrote up another piece talking himself up as some sort of visionary prophet because he thinks this match would create world peace and the suits from HQ are a bunch of idiots for scoffing at the idea. Which I think was just a way of trying to distract people from the fact he made the f*cken story up after talking for 3 minutes to some pony-tailed promoter in a 1980s Porsche.

Kent is moron who, sadly, doesn't realise it. Journalists like him forget they are just opinions on a piece of paper and not the living geniuses they think they are.

But that's not the point.

What happened is that the readership of the Daily Rag got wind of this story and suddenly were MORE F*CKING INSPIRED THAN PETER THE HERMIT IN 1096 AD.

It was as though the friggin' RAPTURE had arrived and their place in it was assured.

THIS was the purpose they were born! To COMMENT ON THIS USELESS REDUNDANT STORY!

And by GOD they weren't going to miss this calling!

So off they f*cken STAMPEDED to the "comments" section to record their incoherent (and often imbecile) ramblings for all time, because some part of them felt that if they didn't, future generations would be poorer for it.

And bless them, say I, for without them my day would be at least 17% less amusing.

I would like to go through a few of them that particularly amused me, but then this post would be about seven thousand pages long and although I am blessed with verbal diarrhoea that's a bit much even for me.

So what I'll do instead is summarise the main points which pretty much every "comment" fell into and explain why the hell THEY MAKE NO F*CKEN SENSE, IDIOTS.

Category 1: The rugby league team would win 50 million nil because (insert brainless, shallow, non-analytical, nonsensical, simplistic reason here).

Category 2: The rugby team would win 50 million nil because (insert brainless, shallow, non-analytical, nonsensical, simplistic reason here).

Category 3: Well actually no, they were the only 2 categories. Unless I put in its own category the really amusing comment from a Kiwi who suggested that if they really wanted to showcase the best in the world from each code they'd play "All-Blacks vs Kiwis" rather than "Wallabies v Kangaroos". See THAT'S funny.

(Also some idiot who simply needed to express the following: "Call them the Wallaroos", and that was it. Somewhere, the cosmic god of stupidity is punching the air and shouting "yesss!!").

Reading the detail that nitwits posted in support of their category 1 and 2 claims was like getting my cortex strobed with a million volt "stupidity-beam".

For example - the rugby boys would win the scrums, the lineouts and the rucks and mauls.

This comment was left by Albert Einstein, obviously.

I mean, how stupid is it? I can't even really bag it out it because it's just so obviously dumb. OF COURSE THEY F*CKEN WOULD.

And the counter is, of course, that the rugby "boys" wouldn't handle getting up and back 10 metres, and the dummy-half play, and the shoulder-charges.

Well f*cken DUH.

Let me repeat, well f*cken DUH.

And if we played the Kangaroos against the f*cken Beijing platform diving team then Craig Fitzgibbon wouldn't be able to perform a triple-pike with twist either.


Only flanno-shirt wearing mullet boys care about the Kangaroos and "international" rugby league anyway. The only downside to the Kiwis winning the thing was that some over-stimulated moron used the word "credibility" somewhere within the 250km exclusion zone surrounding the RLWC.

When that happened, the super-advanced alien race that has been observing us for 250 million years (and was about to proffer up to us the advanced secrets of the universe for having evolved sufficiently) slapped their foreheads in disgust, tore up their observation notes, circled N next to "ready for enlightenment Y/N?", gave up on us, packed up and flew the f*ck back to Blasteroid IV forever.

And the penalty-orgy of international rugby isn't much better. Somehow the eggheads that run rugby decided that the single most exciting thing possible in world sport is to watch a single person spend 4 minutes pulling up their socks, staring at a ball and running to kick it at a large H in the ground.

So they decided to design an entire f*cken game around it.

And you know what? Power to 'em. Each game has its fans. The large majority of whom, sadly, don't f*cken realise there's GOOD REASONS THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

See there's a stupid assumption by all the people considering this hybrid game that it would somehow combine only the "best" elements of each into one, new, super uber-game.

Which completely ignores the fact that we're all morons and can't get anything the f*ck right.

So what we'd end up with would be a f*cken disastrous mash of boring f*cken scrums, kicks for goal, grapple tackles, endless replays of potential tries to determine "obstruction", wimpy penalties for shoulder-charges and head-stamps - and if you think the play-the-ball and ruck is a f*cken joke in league and/or union now, IMAGINE WHAT IT COULD BE LIKE IF YOU FUSED THEM TOGETHER!?

It would be like the f*cken ugly love-child of Matt Dunning and Josh Morris. That is, so ugly that the very fabric of reality would try to fold in on itself.

So f*ck this hybrid game off and start commenting on the story in the Daily Rag today about the sex-starved MILF rooting school boys - you know, the quality journalism
stories like that one.