Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Mothers, don't let your sons grow up to be chokers...or play for Tuggeranong...wait, that's an oxymoron!

Sometimes, things just go my way and I can't help but laugh.

I must live right.

Several weeks ago, the UCU Firebirds (scourge of the ACT Gridiron League), were playing our final regular season game against the Astros.

The minor premiership was up for grabs.

Earlier in the afternoon, the Tuggeranong Tornadoes had pushed themselves to the top of the table with a win. It now fell to us to win by sufficient margin to take top spot on percentages, and earn both direct passage to Capital Bowl XVI and a week off.

The Astros are a plucky team. It was a good, hard fought game and they beat us fair and square. It was close, but the game turned their way on several key plays, which, if you're going to win, you need to ensure fall in your favour. Which is exactly what the Astros did.

And then, in those closing moments of the game and in the immediate aftermath, two things happened which, both directly and indirectly, contributed to the UCU Firebirds taking out Capital Bowl XVI on this past weekend and lifting the championship trophy an unprecedented 4th successive time.

The Astros gathered in midfield to celebrate their victory and I tell you what, the sheer scope of their celebration overshadowed VE Day, Fourth of July, Bastille Day and Last Day of School put together.

I mean, power to them, they won. But f*ck me, boys, act like you've been there before and will be again.

In our somewhat disappointed post-game huddle, we noted to ourselves that there's only ONE GAME of the season worthy of that scale of celebration, and the final round of the regular season wasn't it.

Not even close.

But I guess we've learned that in the process of winning 4 championships in a row.

So we pushed that little kernel of hate deep down inside and let it simmer.

The second thing was, shall we say, poetic. It was as though some greater power was setting up the pieces; writing a grand script for fate to follow.

You see, our rivals from the Tornadoes had sat themselves in the stands to watch us, the UCU Firebirds, play for the minor premiership.

Obviously they had taken a vote (only narrowly defeated) on whether to wear Astros cheer-girl dresses and pom-poms for the day. You never heard such high-pitched squeals of delight! Oh, the joy on their little faces!

Best of all, they decided to sledge us, still battling on the field, with "CHOKE" noises!

You see, when you're sitting in the stands, your balls must grow to enormous size! It must have been uncomfortable to sit on those massive gonads, hey fellas? Massive, massive balls! Gargantuan balls! MASTODONIC BALLS!

And, of course, when you have such massive balls, why not sledge your rivals eh? Why not intimate we're chokers from right up close and personal, a mere 30 metres or so away, off the field and up in the stands? After all, you're the minor premiers eh? WHAT BIG BIG BALLS YOU HAVE, GRANDMA!

Choke, choke, choke said the Tornadoes. And oh, what fun they must have had, balancing on their massive testicles and making those oh-so-hilarious CHOKE noises at us.

I guess this is the secret of their (lack of-)success.

The next week,the UCU Firebirds replayed the Astros in the championship-game qualifier, and taught the Astros a 30-something point lesson entitled: "Winning When It Matters, Boys, Part 1."

Strangely, the Astros grand singing voices seemed to have petered out by the end of that game, which signalled the end of their season. Maybe they were out of breath running after us while we were scoring.

Job not done yet, though, oh no not yet, dear readers.

There was that small matter of meeting up with the Astros Cheer Bitches.....errr...Tuggeranong Tornadoes in Capital Bowl XVI for the championship.

You know...the REAL one, not the "minor" one.

The one where they actually give out the TROPHY at the conclusion.

The trophy that has been the possession of the UCU Firebirds for the past 3 years.

The trophy that Tuggeranong hasn't sniffed since...oh...2000? When I actually played there? Ye gods, has it been that long? Yes, it has.

No matter, I anticipated that they would heave their massive balls down from the stands onto the field and back up their CHOKE sledges in person.

After all, real champions don't just sledge from the distant stands, do they? Real champions back up their big mouths mano-a-mano when it's "helmets 'n pads" time, don't they?

And so, the tale comes full circle. Back to the part where some things just make me laugh when they go my way.

Because, after 4 quarters of gridiron on Saturday evening, there was, indeed, a CHAMPION decided.

And there was, also, a CHOKER after all...

And which team was which, you ask, dear reader...?

Allow the following happy snap to express approximately 1,000 words....