Mutant spiders from f*cking Mars have arrived on Earth. And they are going to kill us all. It's too late to repent, it's all over people.
Some grandpa from Cairns, taking a break from writing angry letters to the local Bowling Club, wandered out into his back garden (to collect the large number of tennis-balls hit there by neighbourhood kids, which he refuses to return) and came across the F*cking Unholy Motherf*cking Geezus of All Spiders.
Killing and eating what was a f*cking ostrich but has been sucked so dry is now only the size of a finch.
Mmm, tastes like chicken.
What sort of f*cking web snags a f*cken BIRD for f*ck's sake?
The web of the SPIDER of F*CKING ABBADDON, THAT'S WHAT. Made out of sticky silk and strengthened with thousands of DEVOURED SOULS.
Disney rejected the heartwarming story of Billy Birdy and his spider friend, Fangy, and their zany adventures. They thought it was "too gay".
Nobody can tell me, ever again, that spiders perform a useful service in nature, because here is an unholy ABOMINATION and eight-legged FREAK injecting about 14 litres of VENOM into a bird, whilst I am still bitten by f*cken mosquitoes in the world. With motherf*ckers like THIS why are there ANY insects left?Noah, the stupid old bearded dickhead, could have certainly left two of these hideous mutants OFF THE F*CKEN BOAT, and CHOV WOULDN'T HAVE COMPLAINED.
Daddy, what's happening to Twittles? I don't think that spider is really "whispering in his ear" at all, like Mummy said. Is he ever going to sing his happy morning song again? Is he?? Is he???
Begone o SPIDEROUS MOTHERF*CKINGUS GIGANTICUS. Back to the f*cking FIERY PITS OF HELL FROM WHENCE YE CAME!
The ONLY good spider.
***ADDITION****
For the multitude of anal-retentives who emailed The Chov, yes I realise that the 'trick' is making the spider appear larger than it really is, and yes it is all in the camera angle and proximity of the camera to the HIDEOUS PROFANE BEAST, and also that the finch is really not that big a bird.
But that would make for a pretty lame f*cken blog post. Idiots.
For the multitude of anal-retentives who emailed The Chov, yes I realise that the 'trick' is making the spider appear larger than it really is, and yes it is all in the camera angle and proximity of the camera to the HIDEOUS PROFANE BEAST, and also that the finch is really not that big a bird.
But that would make for a pretty lame f*cken blog post. Idiots.
Plus I just really really really f*cken hate spiders. So kiss my hairy wrinkly lolly-bag.
The Chov - abusing his fans since 2008, because they love it.
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