"With these bailouts, I can't afford NOT to wipe my a$$ with these things!": Ed Liddy, CEO of AIG
You want The Chov's financial advice for the world?
When you smell bull$hit, there's probably bull$hit lying around somewhere in the immediate vicinity.
"Guaranteed returns" are only "guaranteed" for the guy who is hoovering up your cash you morons.
What? You think there are "experts" in the high-stakes, glitzy world of Wall Street? That they somehow REALLY DO have these little inside secrets of investing and business that nobody else knows and that will make YOU millions?
Think of this, dip$hits.
If YOU had a secret way of making millions and millions of dollars in a simple scheme, WOULD YOU F*CKING SHARE IT WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS????
If you answered "yes, of course, Chov, because I am a f*cking moron and would love to pi$$ my money up the f*cking urinal wall" then please, please, PLEASE get in touch with me as soon as possible as I have an investment opportunity for you that is fool-proof, 100% genuine and guaranteed to make money.
Here's a Chov rundown of the "brains" of the financial world, and the f*cking DUMB decisions they make, sometimes with YOUR money.
* Microsoft, you may have heard of them, tried to buy Yahoo this year. You probably haven't heard of Yahoo because NOBODY F*CKING WELL VISITS THE SITE. Why Microsoft wanted it is anyone's f*cking guess. My own personal guess is that CEO Steve Ballmer landed on it in a game of I.T Monopoly he was playing with Bill Gates and wanted to buy it because Gates already owned every-f*cking-thing else on the board.
Anyway, some nimrod at Yahoo (err...actually the CEO Jerry Yang now that I actually look it up....) whined that the price-per-share offer was too low (even though it was nearly two-thirds ABOVE market price) and decided he would play 'hardball'.
Fast-forward: Microsoft issues a statement to say "suck our balls", Yahoo stock DROPS by nearly two-thirds and Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang gets f*cked in the a$$ by a gorilla at the end-of-year company party. The new CEO tarts up with new lipstick and offers to suck Microsoft-dck, only for Microsoft to upgrade their offer to "suck our balls AND get a free turkey slap."
* If you've ever lost money, say by leaving your wallet on a train, and been really angry at yourself, stop your f*cking crying because Joseph Lewis is the IMPERIAL OVERLORD of losing money and you are not fit to kiss his crack.
Joseph Lewis is a pooncey pommy idiot who thought he was 'famous' for being a smart investor - much smarter than you or me, halfwits. That's why HE, not you or I, bought up a big stake in some pi$$ant little investment bank called, oh, BEAR STEARNS.
When it became obvious that BEAR STEARNS was, in fact, f*cking around with pretendy dollars bought off snakeoil sub-prime mortgage peddlers, their stock dropped, in a BIG WAY.
Now you or I would have thought, f*ck this for a lark, and got out while the gettin' was still ordinary.
But that's why we're together here on this insignificant blog, and Mr Lewis is a MIGHTY INVESTOR with amazing INSIDE KNOWLEDGE that you or I could NEVER HOPE TO EMULATE.
Mr Lewis doubled up, buying EVEN MORE STOCK IN A F*CKING LOSER. See, this is the sort of decision only an experienced and knowledgable investor can make and truly understand - because to The Chov, at least, it appears to be the move of a F*CKING IDIOT SUFFERING FROM BRAIN MELTING SYPHILIS.
BEAR STEARNS then COLLAPSED, and Lewis was left holding eleventy-trillion WORTHLESS SHARES, and also his flaccid penis, not knowing which one to hock for some cash to buy a coffee.
Eventually JP Morgan bought the carcass of BEAR STEARNS for $hits and giggles presumably. And for $2 a share. After Lewis had paid over $100 a share.
His total loss? Over ONE BILLION. So now you know where all that interest you pay on your home loan goes.
* You know what a sub-prime mortgage is by now. It's where mortgage lenders lend f*cking great wads of cash to anybody who can scribble a few barely legible chicken-scratches onto an application. And then (because they know the dip$hits are going to default on the repayments) they quickly package them up and sell them to f*ckwads in suits on Wall Street before anybody gets wise.
Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were two US financial institutions holding out like virgins on prom night. Only the liquor and the spiffs finally wore them down and they agreed to give their prom-date a quick reacharound and dip into the wild and crazy sub-prime mortgage scene.
Five minutes later and they are in front of the camera at a mansion in LA doing a 500-man f*ck (straight to DVD release) and taking every shot to the face. Only problem is, they got in so late that all they had was BAD DEBTS.
And so now they ought to be a washed-out former porn star doing tricks in a back-alley and immediately throwing the money into a heroin fix. But they ain't.
Because the US Gummint threw open the coffers of TAXPAYERS MONEY.
THAT will help keep the kids of the CEO in private schools in Manhattan and pay for the upkeep on that 42 foot yacht in the Caymans.
But you know what's dumber than investing in the paper-value of sub-prime mortgages?
INSURING the PAPER-VALUE of SUB-PRIME MORTGAGES.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you AIG.
Cue stock-price drop from $70 to just $1.25 and about $13 billion HOSED in UNDER SIX MONTHS. Motley Crue didn't spend that much on coke and hookers in their WHOLE F*CKEN CAREER.
* Think it was only stupid AMERICAN banks that did this sort of crazy $hit? Believe KRudd when he says that Australian banks wouldn't have been so STUPID?
THIS MORNING, the Commonwealth Bank decided to 'fess up that its exposure to BAD DEBTS was actually DOUBLE what it had previously lied. err..."advised". Of yes, they are ELBOW DEEP in this FINANCIAL FISTING ORGY.
* What do you do if you're running a big auto-manufacturing company in a time when every cry-baby is whining about climate change and oil prices are at all-time highs?
You f*cking well tick off on whole new lines of giant petrol-guzzling TANKS, just like the "Big 3" did in the States.
And then nobody buys them, and then a little bit later nobody CAN buy them because loans have dried up and people are losing their jobs and homes and can't buy a new car.
So THEN what do you do?
Blame f*cken union labour and head off to the US Gummint for a $40 BILLION PAYOUT, just like your buddies on Wall Street got.
Only so far, the Gummint has told them to F*CK OFF.
* Best of all are the "ratings agencies" who supposedly run the rule over the financial wheelings and dealings of people like Bernie Madoff and investment banks and the like.
Now we all know that all they do is surf internet porn all day, fill out a half-dozen reports in the last five minutes of the day before knocking off, and attribute a random rating somewhere between "AAAAAA" which means "f*cken A!" and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" which means "light me a cigarette I just came, p.s. here is all my money".
* And finally, 'investment managers', sometimes called 'hedge funds', which is Latin for "f*cking over stupid rich people and fleecing them of their money".
Hedge funds promise returns in excess of what anyone else can get because ONLY YOUR HEDGE FUND MANAGER knows the special opportunities that exist out there. Nobody else, not even God. And for a small fee he will take advantage of those special opportunities only open to members of his fund.
Only they are ALL F*CKING LYING as they have about as much idea of what the stock market is going to do as a day-old dog turd.
So when the "crisis" hits and stock prices go up and down faster than Paris Hilton's head beneath the table, these nimrods f*ck around with other people's money making crazy guesses that mostly turn out WRONG.
And when you realise this and try to get your money out, your hedge fund manager points you to page 8293 of your contract which says, in part: "...too late now a$$holes!!" and locks you in until either he has managed to arrange his flight to Argentina with any money that's left, or he rides every last cent down into the f*cking ground in a blazing aeroplane wreck.
And then when the Prime Minister guarantees bank deposits in a brazen attempt to buy off votes from scared morons who don't know what's going on, idiots locked into hedge funds complain that they aren't getting the same treatment.
So KRudd gets a staffer to point them to page 8293 of their contracts and the whole cycle starts again...
What The Chov would like to do is invest in the price of "idiot", which is about the only thing that would be guaranteed NEVER to fall and can only continue to increase.
Which is more than can be said for the price of Alan Greenspan's biography, titled "I Am The F*cken God-Genius of Finance" and was published about 5 minutes after he retired from the US Federal Reserve and 5 minutes before the financial crisis gave every economy in the world explosive diarrhoea.