Friday, December 12, 2008

Great Geniuses of the Internet: A Case Study

Chov-Blog Groupies, let's welcome to the stage, this week's winner, Mr "Sergey of Australia"!

But, first, some filler.

Recently, some f*ckwit saw a photo on Google Maps with a lens flare or some other boring f*cken photographic effect, and immediately concluded it was genuine bona-fide evidence of UFOs.

As you do.

The Daily Rag, always on the lookout for stupid $hit to print, ran it immediately at,22049,24785075-5001021,00.html
and gave the work experience kid who saw it on the Reuters wire a pay-rise and a new office.

The title of the story is "Does this Google Map snap show a UFO over Sydney?"

Of course the correct and standard response is "Of course not you f*cking dimwits" and we're done here.

But that's where the "Comments" section comes in, to save the day and inject some peerless comedy into an otherwise nondescript event.

You know comments sections. They make me weep for joy at their sheer beauty, for without them we would never experience the sheer ecstasy of reading the inane ramblings of nimrods - long may they reign.

Here, in completely unaltered, smoothly-shaved virgin glory, is Sergey's offering to the world, produced (as far as I can tell) when Sergey took a break from smearing faeces on himself and the walls and headbutted the keyboard with his face, producing a string of text he was satisfied accurately represented his visions and the last conversation he had with Ahura Mazda (conducted during ad breaks for the Australian Idol Finale, a program Sergey thought was a disturbing and hard-hitting documentary).

* "Why everytime we see the evidence of "UFO" everyone gets impressed so much?"

It's not evidence, moron. It could be snot on the f*cken camera lens for all you know. And nobody seemed all that impressed, except for YOU. Sergey took all his clothes off and rubbed peanut butter in his ar$e crack he was so excited.

* "the contact with earth is happening for thousands and thousands of years. Even if YOU don't beleive in what have not yet seen for your own eyes, that's fine... "

I don't believe what I have not yet seen? It's kind of like he attempted a double-negative, but f*cked even THAT up so badly it became a very DEEP philosophical musing.

* "But there billions of other planets in the universe and billions types of different civilizations..."


* "some of them obviously do have a technology that we unfortunately cannot yet even imagine properly..."

Translation: They have anal-probes so advanced we can't even imagine them. But Sergey draws them on the walls of bus-shelters whenever he can because he's trying to educate us.

* "Than smarter you are than easier for you to understand it."

This is simply The Single Greatest Sentence Ever Typed.

* "w hat you call "UFO" will obviously not try to get in contact with the monkey or people who live in their own 10meter world.. what would be the point?"
Posted by: Sergey of Australia 3:05pm today

We call them UFOs, but Sergey calls them by their first names - Justin, Nigel and "Probey".

And so this Opus Magnifico comes to a premature end, just when it seemed Sergey's genius was just getting fired up and he could have revealed so much more to us, like why the Voices tell him to drop his pants and start manipulating himself on the train every morning.