Friday, March 26, 2010

Don't count your chickens, dipshits.

As a long suffering Parramatta Eels fan, I know all about the Curse of Brain Smith.

So I feel it's only fair to explain it to all the Chooks fans who are getting giddy and almost wetting themselves with premiership excitement after TWO ROUNDS.

Brain Smith appears to be a good coach.

He will improve your team by moulding it into a certain formula.

You will win many games.

You will get your hopes up.

And then the alien virus inside Brain will emerge and he will smash those hopes down down again just when they reach their pinnacle.

He will then follow this up by running players who are fan-favourites out of town year after year, and you will see these players return with other clubs to beat you until you resort to self-harm in a bid to counter the despair and frustration.

He will continually play stupid mind games (like never naming a starting side until about 25 seconds before kickoff) because he thinks it's clever. This has fooled Nick Politis already. Nobody else cares anymore.

And he will continue to keep picking a player like Matt "Sideshow Bob" Petersen OVER AND ABOVE JARRYD HAYNE.

Matt Petersen, displaying some of the electrifying skill and awareness that prompted Brain Smith to declare "With a lot of hard work and a miracle or two, Jarryd Hayne might become the new Matt Petersen, but Matt Petersen is the original real fucken deal. And he'll deliver the Eels a premiership for me no question.  Sorry I can't continue the interview I'm fucking CHOKING on something."

So if you thought it was bad finishing wooden-spooners last season you should consider the fact that at least that was seen coming a mile away and you didn't have to build up any hopes.

And you all realise that it's only a matter of time, don't you, before Turd Carney does it again?

You remember Turd - I told you all about him back here.

Just remember that the slimy little turd has done no rehab, no community service, no admission of guilt, no apologising - in short, NO CHANGING OF HIS WAYS.

In short, he's still a drunken tool with a fairy tattoo of stars just waiting to unleash his 'inner fuckwit'.

Turd Carney getting another local to sign up to sponsor him for his 2009 Drinkathon at 10 cents a UDL can. Turd eventually consumed 8,312 cans of bourbon and coke and donated the money raised to his local pub to show that he has "gone straight".

Sooner or later, Turd will see a head he just can't resist pissing on, or an arse he can't resist lighting on fire and pretty soon after that you'll be thinking Willie Mason was a fucken paragon.

Mark my words.

And if you doubt my soothsaying powers, let me remind you of this PRE-GLASSING gem from my 2008 NRL Sharks Preview "Special Fuckwit Watch": "...we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid."

You've been warned.