Monday, February 16, 2009

Chov's 2008 FUCKWIT of THE YEAR Award!

Ladies and gentlemen, Chov is back from vacation, where he quietly ushered in a new year and put in a few hours sorting out his notes for his future memoirs.

I know the hundreds of you here paid upwards of $1000 a table, which means you've all f*cken gone and pi$$ed KRudd's economic stimulus payments up the f*cken urinal wall - JUST LIKE HE WANTS YOU TO.

Yes, it is indeed time for us to officially kick off 2009 (in February - what can I say, I'm a f*cken lazy lazy man...) by putting a line under 2008 and presenting Chov's FUCKWIT OF THE YEAR Award.

And let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, this award is one of the most sought after and hotly contested in the world.

You would have to think so, given the sheer number of fuckwits who hovered into Chov's Zone of Consciousness during 2008 and stayed just long enough to annoy the living shit out of him. And anyone else with an IQ over 15.

But deliberately angling for the Award in this sort of shameless fashion doesn't really garner points with the judge.

Who is me.

Although can I take a moment to say this has been the best red carpet parade ever, all you ladies look lovely, and thanks for not making this glittering ceremony a complete sausage-fest like last year.

But let's recap a great year for f*ckwitness in general.

I mean, it was the year of KRudd, Saint Kevin - Patron Saint of Working Families who gets in at 4am every morning to conjure up ways of taking fuckwittery to new heights in public office. He was on the shortlist for this award about 27 times, for christ's sake.

But he's not the winner, and THAT'S saying something impressive.

A short perusal through the archives of Chov's esteemed blog - the one, the only, the Rant Emporium! - is like taking a virtual tour through the dim, dark and terrifying depths of fuckwitaciousness. Go ahead, click a link at random and be amazed for yourself.

An honorable mention or two, before we get to the main event.

Who could forget the classic nimrods who stuck a f*cking monkey suit and a couple of raw steaks into an esky and called it "proof of Bigfoot"?

Sadly, Billy-Bob and Skeeter couldn't be here this evening, but we wish them all the best when they stick a pound of tuna into a bathtub and try to pass it off as the Loch Ness monster.

I was also impressed by the story that Prince Harry's stint in Afghanistan came to an abrupt end after news of his "secret" deployment leaked out. A big f*ckwit-thumbs-up to the British secret service on that one. James Bonds you ain't. Harry was then brought home "amid concerns for his safety".

Concerns for his safety? He was a serviceman in a F*CKING WAR ZONE.

Then there was fatty-Ronaldo, injured knee and all, "recuperating" back in Brazil by getting sprung with not one, not even TWO, BUT THREE transvestite prostitutes....and then trying to tell police that "...he was having some psychological problems linked to his injury." What, like understanding chicks don't have dicks?

I also enjoyed the farcical Commielympics, especially the opening ceremony and the revelation that the star of the show mimed her way through her performance, because the Comrade who really sang was too f*cking ugly to put on TV in front of the world. And the way in which the world's media and gubbmints lapped it all up.

Also a shout out to all the f*ckwits who thought the world would END when the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was switched on. Especially the late f*ckwits who killed themselves IN ADVANCE to miss the rush.'d that work out for you?

I have to say the runner-up really distinguished himself, too.

Ben Stein, where are you? Ben?

Actually I'm being told Ben's not here this evening, he's busy sitting in his fridge trying to discover if the light stays on or not. He's currently up to week 13 of the experiment. So far - inconclusive.

Ben would have made it to the finals in discussions for this award for his movie alone - that would be the unintentionally hilarious "Expelled" - a craptacular documentary that asserts that evolution is wrong and that there is a giant conspiracy wherein teachers are forced to teach evolution and persecuted if they disagree.

But here's the quote that really put Ben over the top:

"When we just saw that man, I think it was Mr. Myers [biologist P.Z. Myers], talking about how great scientists were, I was thinking to myself the last time any of my relatives saw scientists telling them what to do they were telling them to go to the showers to get gassed … that was horrifying beyond words, and that’s where science — in my opinion, this is just an opinion — that’s where science leads you."

Yes, Ben, that's all that science does for mankind.

It reminds me of Life of Brian - "What has the Roman Empire ever done for us?"

You're a magnificent f*ckwit, Ben, but even you couldn't scale the heights to which our winner ascended.

See, happily, every year some nimrod goes the extra fuckwit mile and distinguishes him or herself from the herd in a special way that causes The Chov to want to perform the f*cking HUNDRED HAND SLAP on their f*cking CORTEX.

So, without further ado, Chov's 2008 FUCKWIT OF THE YEAR Award goes to...

....drumroll while envelope is opened...

FIFA President Sepp Blatter!!!

"I'm thrilled to receive this award! Wait....I feel an idea coming on! No, wait, it's just a turtle-head poking out of my ass...."

I have festered on this one for quite a while.

And his dumb ideas about "slavery" and widening the goals and other stupid shit aren't really what won him this award. Although they helped.

No, it really came down to his nonsensical involvement in the Cristiano Ronaldo-to-Real Madrid transfer saga.

Basically, the snivelling little turd Ronaldo wanted a move, and his snivelling little turd of an agent worked everything out behind the scenes, only for Man Utd (his current club) to produce an *ahem* F*CKING CONTRACT and stick that up everyone's ass.

And so Real Madrid, scum of the earth that they are, did everything they could to stir the pot and agitate for a release.

Everyone and his f*cking dog knew they were in the wrong. United held firm. End of story, you would think.

But then the King of F*ckwits, Sepp Blatter, waded in.

And made some outrageously f*ckwitted comments that Ronaldo was a slave being held against his will and should be allowed to leave for Real Madrid.

And dismissed United's complaints to FIFA that Real Madrid had acted unprofessionally, unethically and illegally in continuing to pursue their player.

And f*ckwit sycophants like Les Murray tried to defend him and his comments.

But not The Chov....oh no.

This is the same Sepp Blatter who is a f*cking MEMBER OF REAL MADRID FOOTBALL CLUB.


Who calls Real Madrid "more than a club" and has been a FAN since CHILDHOOD, when he said he used to ORGASM watching Alfredo di Stefano in the 1950s.

Okay maybe he didn't quite say that, but he did try to say he was only a fan of Real Madrid as a child.

But, as an adult football administrator, he changed a local Swiss club's constitution so that they would wear the same ALL-WHITE club strip as.....(do I need to even say it...?)

Sepp Blatter, The Chov's 2008 Sepp Blatter F*ckwit of the Year Award Winner, pretending to be Ferenc Puskas in the 1958 European Cup Final.

Well dress me in a pink tutu and call me Marilyn I think we may be onto something here...

Mr Blatter, you are a f*ckwit of the highest order. In fact, I am going to name my annual award after you.

Which means Sepp Blatter has been awarded The Chov's 2008 Sepp Blatter F*ckwit of the Year Award.

Bravo Sepp!!