The latest literary offering I have digested is “Justice For All: The Truth About Metallica” by music “journalist” Joel McIver.
This book should have been called "Metallica: 300 Pages of Some Fanboy Bitch Whining About A Band He's Not Even A Member Of"
It purports to be “exposing the myths” around the band, telling the “unvarnished truth” about how they “really” formed and developed.
And whilst I will expound in more detail upon Joel’s offering shortly, here is Chov’s 15 Second Review for those of you trying to read this at work:
Joel McIver: I think the “Black Album” and everything after it is $hit. Waaah, waaah, waaah. I wanted St Anger to be good, and it was $hit, waaah, waaah, waaah. Metallica were mean and rude when they sued Napster, waaah, waaah, waaaah. Metallica don’t play fast anymore, waaah, waaah, waaah. Metallica cut their hair short, waaah, waaah, waaah. And somehow, in a book about Metallica, a disturbing number of quotes from a former member of the stupidest metal band ever – Stryper.
That just saved all of you the few days or so of your life you would have spent reading this and never received back.
First, allow me to express my view on music ‘critics’ and music ‘journalists’ like Joel McIver generally.
And because I am a lazy man, rather than coming up with my own words, I’ll use someone else’s because they are perfect and have already done the job.
Specifically, the mighty Australian band T.I.S.M. and their classic track “BFW” (Big F*cking Whoopee).
Now the lyrics themselves are actually about FOOD critics, but the sentiment is PERFECTLY applied to MUSIC CRITICS as well.
“By Christ, when your life's specialty is forcing another morsel of over-glazed lamb shank down your oily, globular, over-opinionated gullet, when, of all the things in the world men are called to do…of all the vocations of love and adventure…of all the trials of the emotions and amongst all the voyages of spirit mankind can embark upon, when, given this whole universe of possible callings, the one YOU choose is to sit on your crapulent crack and LAZILY WHINE about SOMEONE ELSE’S cooking, that's when YOU KNOW, you are at the very ACME of the BFW shit heap.”
Three hundred-odd f*cken pages of self-wankery by Mr McIver amounts to precisely that – f*cking cry-baby whining that Metallia haven’t re-recorded “Master of Puppets” 27 times.
And I bet, if they had, he would be f*cking whining that have never ‘evolved’ or ‘moved forward’.
You can tell a f*cking obnoxious, pretentious tw@t of a Metallica fan immediately – they are ALWAYS the ones who try to ‘distinguish’ themselves by aligning with the “Master of Puppets”-crowd and badmouthing everything from the “Load”-era.
As though that f*cking means any-f*cking-thing.
Oh, you’re no ‘bandwagon jumper’, I get that.
But big f*cking deal. The world doesn’t care.
I have pretty much all the major releases by Metallica, except for “S&M”. And I like all of them in their own way. But whether you do, or anyone else does, means three-thirds of F*CK ALL to me. I think "S&M" is one of the most f*cking wanking ideas that pomposity ever devised. But who gives a $hit? I don't need to write a book about it.
See, I couldn’t give a $hit what some pompous, self-obsessed wanker fanboy thinks of “Reload”, song-by-f*cking-song.
It’s music – you like it or you don’t. There’s no f*cking PRECISE SCIENCE to it. The fact, Mr McIver, that you think “The Memory Remains” is a steaming pile of turd means exactly F*CK ALL outside of your own ar$ehole.
And the cause of so much of your irrelevant angst is that Metallica went in a different direction with 1991’s self-titled “Black” album, and, in your mind, have never returned.
To be fair, this is a view shared by many Metallica fanboys, who are united in their 17 years of incessant crying, whinging and f*cking whining about it.
Joel McIver, whose opinion Metallica should listen to. And who should try to strike poses like this in photo-shoots. According to Joel McIver. Because Joel McIver thinks Joel McIver is the bomb.
See, I went through all 300 pages of the book to try and find the part where Joel McIver joined Metallica, even briefly.
Maybe, I thought, he might have filled in just after original bassist Cliff Burton was killed? Nope.
Maybe he was in after bassist Jason Newsted quit, and the band had not yet hired Robert Trujillo? Nope.
Maybe the early, early days, before they hit it big? Nope.
Maybe he was like the keyboardist for Black Sabbath all those years, the guy who played live off-stage and nobody ever saw him but he was definitely playing along? Nope.
So I can only conclude that Joel f*cking McIver was NEVER IN METALLICA.
But, not be deterred, Mr McIver STILL THINKS EVERYONE, BUT MOSTLY THE BAND THEMSELVES, SHOULD LISTEN TO HIS F*CKING WHINING.
Here’s a UNIVERSAL TRUTH for all you fanboys out there. In fact, it could apply to being an obsessive wanker fanboy of anything, but we’ll stick to Metallica for a moment.
BEING A FAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN THE BAND.
YOU DON’T GET TO MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT ANYTHING THE BAND F*CKING DOES.
They don’t have to listen to you, or any of your f*cking cry-baby bitching, and when they inevitably DON’T – just shut the f*ck up and SUCK IT UP.
If they want to record a f*cking CHRISTMAS ALBUM, then THEY F*CKING WELL CAN. YOU DON’T GET TO VOTE ON IT, DIP$HITS.
And all the crybabies who f*cking sooked about the band suing Napster, and took your pathetic “fanhood” somewhere else in a f*cking pi$$-ant little “protest” – NOBODY F*CKING CARES.
According to Wikipedia:
“As of September 2008, Metallica is the fourth highest-selling music artist since the SoundScan era began tracking sales on May 25, 1991, selling a total of 51,136,000 albums in the United States alone.”
To note, 1991 is when the self-titled “Black” album came out, so these figures don’t include “Master of Puppets” or “And Justice For All” or anything else from that era.
This, it seems that, for every whinging, whining f*cking fanboy who hated “Reload” there were a few others that liked it, hmm?
Not that it makes them right and the fanboys wrong, by any means. But at least THEY UNDERSTAND THAT.
They buy it, they like it, they listen to it.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU F*CKING FANBOYS THINK.
And so for all the Metalli-nerds who staged silent protest and “left” the band behind over the Napster thing….51 million albums sold in the States alone says THEY DIDN’T MISS YOU.
So not GIVING A $HIT WHAT YOU THINK seems to be working out for them.
So go ahead, swap your Metallica shirts for Justin Timberlake shirts or something, protect your “integrity” or whatever the f*ck it is you think the world needs to care about. Create your own little tree-house clubs and F*CKING WHINE TO YOUR BITCHY LITTLE HEART’S CONTENT.
Just try and keep it from the rest of us, who don’t give a toss.
But Mr McIver tries to squirm out from under the “over-reacting fanboy” label by pompously anointing himself an authentic objective. In his foreword, he says:
“Metallica have made several decisions across the years – musically, strategically and otherwise – which I regard as errors, and have said so in plain terms…But there are no criticisms here which aren’t deserved.”
What the f*ck?
Who the f*ck cares what YOU classify as errors you pompous f*cktard?! I already established you’re not a member of Metallica, so your opinion on them is worth no more nor less than those of a million other morons. And whether your criticisms of them are deserved or not is not for YOU to decide ABOUT YOUR OWN CRITICISMS you pompous wanker.
Stryper, unintentionally the funniest metal band ever. But then, being a "christian" metal band and throwing bibles into the crowd WILL make Chov laugh. Just looking at this picture should make you want to pray. For F*CKING ARMAGGEDDON.
And, just a free tip for Mr McIver – nobody in the f*cking universe gives a $hit what F*CKEN FORMER MEMBERS OF STRYPER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING, let alone Metallica.