Thursday, July 30, 2009

Unexplained Mysteries of the Universe

Chov, as you know, is one of the great thinkers of modern times.

Which means he thinks a lot.

About all sorts of $hit that affects the world around us all, usually through the idiocy of others.

And Chov tries to find answers. Meaning. Something with which to make sense of the world's morons and their actions, so that we all might be better able to combat them.

And sometimes, those answers, and that meaning, just ain't forthcoming.

And some other times, Chov can only marvel at the Universe because there must be an answer there somewhere, only he just can't find it.

So allow me to present to you the following enigma, aided with pictures:

This is a picture of a bulldog I had as a kid. After a f*cken truck ran over its face. A truck carrying a full unsecured load of export grade F*CK OFF UGLY.

See that there is f*cken ugly. Let's be honest. That's f*cken brutal that is.

And I don't want to hear any bull$hit about how Chov isn't a spring chicken, glass houses etc etc because Chov is a f*cken Adonis and I'll hear no different.

But the point is that you don't need to be beautiful like me (people weep openly in the street as they gaze upon my strange, unnatural, beauty) to understand that the picture above is not conducive to the survival of the human race because it inhibits the breeding instinct.

All of which is a great f*cken argument for evolution.

See, evolution is just a process of the natural world, which often f*cks up. F*cking up is just human.

So, although the object of most life is to pro-create, every now and then something like THAT, in THAT PICTURE UP THERE, comes along and f*cks up the great chain of life.

See, nobody in command of their faculties would knowingly breed with that, so whatever the genetic code is for UGLEE it, awesomely, dies without being passed on to offspring. Hence, nature fixes its own f*ckups, which is more than can be said for John Ribot.

Can't really fathom why non-evolution believers (let's just call them F*CKEN MORONS for short) would think God would shoe-horn ugly f*ckers into his grand master plan, but that's just my ignorance I guess. Some f*cken paradise - I mean there's going to be $hitloads of celibate, chaste, UGLY f*cken nuns in heaven, but no hot porno lesbians.

So think about that when you're in the Judgement Day voting booth.

But, look, none of this is any mystery to me or you or anybody not named Kevin Rudd, who just might use his week off to write a f*cken seven million word essay on it.


The mystery is presented thusly:

Photographic evidence that Kim Clijsters, on the left, has used strange NINJA-BASED SHAPE-SHIFTING POWERS to transform into a F*CKEN FOX. I'm not sure, but she actually looks like she's checking me out. Yeah you know it baby. You want some of The Chov. Don't fight it. It's only natural. Yeeeeaaaaah....







It's like watching the magician like a f*cken hawk as he rips up your card and proceeds to light his farts on fire with it, but then at the end reach into his ar$e crack to brilliantly pull out your f*cken ten of hearts right there.

"How'd he do it!?" some annoying frig-wit will always exclaim.

Looking at picture #2 above, I don't f*cken care.

So, like at the magic show, I'll stop looking for the sleight of hand and just enjoy it for what it is - one of the Universe's BEST mysteries - how ugly chicks can suddenly look hand-spankin' hot.

But now I'm fascinated with this concept. It's like there's a battle between good and ugly going on right in front of my eyes. So tell me, what are the best ugly-hot-ugly_again transformations you've seen?

You know, the ones that leave you scratching your head and saying to yourself "wasn't she just ugly? hot dang woman you doin' somethin' RIGHT!" or, conversely, "what was i thinking? put the lube and tissues away this show is OVER."

Email them to

I'll discuss the best ones when I get around to giving a $hit, but it will happen.