Friday, September 19, 2008

Special Annnouncement: New Australian National Anthem!

This is a special announcement.

When we get around to voting for the Official God-King of Australia, an election which I shall surely win, I have already decided what my first action as the new ruler shall be.

It came to me some time ago, but the idea really crystallised last night.

You see, official partner of the Chov, known as Queen Samazon the Unforgiving, has given your humble narrator the vague task of selecting wedding music for the upcoming nuptials.

So Chov, starting at "A" for "AC/DC", started through his back catalogue of music in the hopes of selecting suitable and appropriate music for the day.

A quick glance at Chov's notepad of possible tunes after 10 or so minutes reveals that AC/DC could well be the wedding band and save us all the trouble. What says "I love you" better than the soothing tones of "Hell's Bells"? It even contains the peal of bells, surely a wedding-like soundtrack if ever there was one? And if the guests aren't going to dance to "Thunderstruck" then bugger the lot of 'em - they wouldn't know a toe-tapping good time show-tune if it bit them on the wazoo.

And then, in a moment of near-blinding clarity - an epiphany of sorts - an idea so f*cktastically brilliant seized me that I had to open myself a beer just to calm myself down and question myself as to whether it actually happened.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to announce Australia's new national anthem when Chov becomes God-King:

For Those About To Rock.

Released: 1981
Written by Young/Young/Johnson
Track length 5:44

This could well be the Greatest Song Ever Written and, therefore, could not be bettered in my mind as the anthem for our great nation.

If there is a God, and the very existence of Natalie Basingthwaite suggests it might be possible, he surely created the human ear JUST SO HUMANKIND COULD F*CKING WELL LISTEN TO THIS SONG.

If you are unfamilar with this masterpiece, nay, GRAND OPUS, then get thee to a place of download immediately.

Even if you have heard it, whip out the CD or the MP3 and LISTEN TO IT A-FRIGGIN-GAIN.

In fact, create a 5000 song playlist on your I-Pod and make every song "For Those About To Rock". And then set the list to "shuffle-random". Forever. You won't need to listen to another song ever again.

As usual, when I assess my own ideas, I can come up with absolutely no flaws.

Imagine every school in Australia starting the new day of learning and academic advancement with a ROUSING RENDITION of "For Those About To Rock"!


And in case I forgot to mention it, including the FIRING OF REAL MOTHERF*CKING CANNONS. At the appropriate moments.

To hell with you, Saint Kevin, you wimp, and your 'computer on every desk' fairy-whip. This country needs F*CKING CANNNONS in EVERY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND.

Imagine further, if you will, the mighty flag being raised as the cannons fire and the masses of children and teachers greet the new day with HEAD BANGING and HEAVY METAL DEVIL SIGNS. FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK.....BOOOM!....etc etc

F*ck me dead if I don't have a tear in my eye right now I'm SO F*CKEN PROUD to be AUSTRALIAN.

You want to test immigrants before they get here? Well make 'em sing our new national anthem - FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK! And if they can't imitate an Angus Young headbang whilst air-guitaring the rhythym section to this ORGASM OF THE EARS then they can't get in. Simple. WHAT OTHER PROOF COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED?

Can you imagine, if you will, how fantastic this would be at every Olympics and Commonwealth Games when one of our great athletes wins a gold medal??!

No, of course you can't - nobody can imagine that NIRVANA ON EARTH, it's too good.

But just TRY to picture how much better Stephanie Rice would have looked on the top step of the medal dias, one fist on the air and PUMPING, head down and BANGING, foot BOUNCING UP AND DOWN, singing along with lung-bursting enthusiasm as "FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK...!".....BOOM! etc etc crashed out of the speakers and echoed around the arena!! ALL FIVE F*CKING GLORIOUS MINUTES OF IT, WITHOUT PAUSE.

Finally, we will have the perfect antidote to the All-Blacks and their womanly 'Haka'! Let 'em do their little girly dance, then roll out the 18 FOOT SUB-WOOFERS onto the field, point 'em right at Richie McCaw and KABLAMMO! "STAND UP AND BE COUNTED...FOR THE A$$-WOOPIN' YOU'RE ABOUT TO RECEIVE!..." BOOM! etc etc. We will wonder why we wasted all that time with Waltzing bloody Matilda.

Wait 'til foreign diplomats and leaders get a load of acka-dacka up their tailpipes at GROUND-SHAKING VOLUME just as they step off the plane. Instant respect!

Think of this added bonus - NO MORE WARS. That's right. See, when other countries hear our national anthem - FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, in case I forgot to spell it out - they will immediately be so impressed by the size of our MASSIVE BALLS that they will wet themselves at the mere thought of F*CKING WITH US.

Plus, think of all the f*cking CANNONS we'll have! BOOM!

Uruguayan fans annoying us by trying to whistle over the top of our anthem just before playing the Socceroos? TURN IT UP FOR 'EM. In fact, stick one of them IN THE F*CKEN CANNON. Whistle THIS you twat.


Australia Day fireworks? "THE SKY'S ALIGHT WITH THE GUITAR BITE!"....BOOM!


What am I saying? Cannon in the singular?



And they better be spit-polished every friggin' day.