Don't count your chickens, dipshits.

As a long suffering Parramatta Eels fan, I know all about the Curse of Brain Smith.

So I feel it's only fair to explain it to all the Chooks fans who are getting giddy and almost wetting themselves with premiership excitement after TWO ROUNDS.

Brain Smith appears to be a good coach.

He will improve your team by moulding it into a certain formula.

You will win many games.

You will get your hopes up.

And then the alien virus inside Brain will emerge and he will smash those hopes down down again just when they reach their pinnacle.

He will then follow this up by running players who are fan-favourites out of town year after year, and you will see these players return with other clubs to beat you until you resort to self-harm in a bid to counter the despair and frustration.

He will continually play stupid mind games (like never naming a starting side until about 25 seconds before kickoff) because he thinks it's clever. This has fooled Nick Politis already. Nobody else cares anymore.

And he will continue to keep picking a player like Matt "Sideshow Bob" Petersen OVER AND ABOVE JARRYD HAYNE.

Matt Petersen, displaying some of the electrifying skill and awareness that prompted Brain Smith to declare "With a lot of hard work and a miracle or two, Jarryd Hayne might become the new Matt Petersen, but Matt Petersen is the original real fucken deal. And he'll deliver the Eels a premiership for me no question.  Sorry I can't continue the interview I'm fucking CHOKING on something."

So if you thought it was bad finishing wooden-spooners last season you should consider the fact that at least that was seen coming a mile away and you didn't have to build up any hopes.

And you all realise that it's only a matter of time, don't you, before Turd Carney does it again?

You remember Turd - I told you all about him back here.
Just remember that the slimy little turd has done no rehab, no community service, no admission of guilt, no apologising - in short, NO CHANGING OF HIS WAYS.

In short, he's still a drunken tool with a fairy tattoo of stars just waiting to unleash his 'inner fuckwit'.

Turd Carney getting another local to sign up to sponsor him for his 2009 Drinkathon at 10 cents a UDL can. Turd eventually consumed 8,312 cans of bourbon and coke and donated the money raised to his local pub to show that he has "gone straight".

Sooner or later, Turd will see a head he just can't resist pissing on, or an arse he can't resist lighting on fire and pretty soon after that you'll be thinking Willie Mason was a fucken paragon.

Mark my words.

And if you doubt my soothsaying powers, let me remind you of this PRE-GLASSING gem from my 2008 NRL Sharks Preview "Special Fuckwit Watch": "...we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid."

You've been warned.

Bulldogs Announce New Club Award - The Ben Hannant Memorial Wimp of the Fucken Year Award

Ben Hannant, you fucken wimp, you piss me off.

At first it was just mid-level annoyance. Like a faint itch on my nuts during a work meeting when I'm unable to scratch it but am generally able to carry on trying to block it out. (And then get down for a scratchy-dig in the hallway as I leave, only to get busted by Sue the Walrus from Accounting, who seems to enjoy it...)

Being a Bulldog then elevated you to Chov's First Circle of Hate, up there with idiots who drive slow in the right lane, dipshits who take a trolley full of groceries into the express basket lane and Laurie Daley.

Then you got swine flu and I laughed, so that was alright. (See, I can be fair and balanced, just like Fox News).

Michael Ennis: "See, Ben, THIS is what's called the "Hoppa", named after Manly grub John Hopoate, where I take my thumb (or any digit, really) and I shove it right in your...HEY! Don't tense up, Benny! THIS is why we're called the "Family Club"!" Jamal Idriss: "Holy shit, that's up past the knuckle! He REALLY likes you Ben!"

Not satisfied with that, though, you decided to play the Fucking Wimp last year and totally send my rage-DNA into full apoplexy.

This was when you milked a fucken penalty against the Eels for a 'chicken-wing' tackle, crying like a bitch that your shoulder was 'dislocated'.

Chov was the only person on Earth who fucking well spotted you, just moments later, USING THAT SAME ARM/SHOULDER TO PUSH NATHAN HINDMARSH IN YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO PROMPT A GIRLY PUSH FIGHT.

That's right, you fucken cat, your prissy little shoulder wasn't so hurt then was it? Was there fucken water from Lourdes in that trainer's bottle or fucken what!?

So that earned you your own entry in Chovpedia - the Book of Hate, you fucken albino shit-splat. (And thinking of footy wimps like you reminded me about Trent Barrett king-hitting the 4 foot 3 inch Eels hooker P.J Marsh FROM BEHIND, the weak fucken prat...)

But now you've even outdone yourself.

Now you want to move back to Queensland because you miss mummy and rainbows and the smell of fresh rose petals in the morning or some such crap. Sydney just too big and scary for you huh?

So is this why you moved from the Sydney Roosters back to Brisbane?

SO WHY, then, DID YOU MOVE BACK TO SYDNEY TO JOIN THE BULLDOGS!?!?!?!??!

See, at least Sonny Bill just fucked off in the middle of the night.

And now you've gone and made me look like I'm defending Sonny Bill Williams, so fuck you for that.

Ok, maybe you were taking geography lessons from Jamie "Judas" Lyons, who left the Eels to move to the "country", apparently believing Manly to be a fucken rural community of just a few hundred horse-turds, R.M.Williams-wearing pig-rooters and tractor repairers.

Well he was right about the pig-rooters, I guess.

Welcome to the stage...the Moan-ly Sea Eagles!

Rightio.

First morons up against the wall - the Manly Sea Eagles.

That's it...a nice family-friendly pic. Bit of a smile. Bit of a laugh. The sponsors will love this. And if they don't we'll call their daughters sluts and punch them out at our season launch.

Having an almighty sook of fucken Biblical proportions. (That is, the biggest sook since Jehousahuah had a sook about obstruction during the 12 A.D Babylon Cup.)

Grow a pair you fucken cry-babies.

Coach Des Hasler personally offered to pay for all the match officials to visit OPSM for eye-tests.

Here's a free Chov Tip for you, Des, you hairy-bonced peanut.

Spend the money on TACKLE BAGS FOR YOUR PLAYERS TO USE AT TRAINING. They might end up BEING MORE USEFUL IN THE LONG RUN.

The Eels scored a try from a forward pass.

They also scored one because 13 Manly players couldn't combine to make one tackle as the Eels moved the ball 110 metres in one movement and scored. But, you know, that obviously had nothing at all to do with the result.

Interestingly, Manly also scored a try that benefited from an uncalled obstruction. Also an uncalled forward pass in the set preceding their own third try.

Mentions of these incidents during Des Hasler's sook....err...post-match rant?

FUCKEN ZERO.

Mentions of the fact his team has now thrown away a 20-4 and a 20-0 lead in consecutive weeks?

Yep, you guessed it....ZERO.

"Now, let's go through this one more time! What do we do when we have the opposition pinned back on their own deadball line, 110 metres away from scoring?...Come on, someone!? Anyone!?"

But credit to Des not only for going through life with one of the worst haircuts this side of a 3 foot long mullet, credit him for helping me enjoy the Eels beating Manly even more than usual.

See it's not only fun to beat them, it's EVEN MORE FUN when they cry about it.

Stay tuned next week - Manly give up a 22-4 lead and blame ALIEN FUCKEN INVADERS, ZOMBIE PLAGUES, MAYAN CALENDARS and CLIMATE CHANGE.

Proof that two halfwits don't combine to form one full wit.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hybrid Game = Like Combining A Shit And A Turd

Because I like to observe morons in their natural habitat, I often check out the "comments" section when surfing the web.

There is nowhere else on Earth where idiocy is compressed into such super-density it almost becomes diamond.

I especially like when someone responds to someone else's comment that was so long ago it's now 127 pages back and of course nobody remembers it so the reply makes no f*cken sense whatsoever.

Eg. "Re: Sir Bustanut III - yeah well so r u, dickcheese, and BTW the hydrogen is in the car, ketchup - yeah right I thought so - STFU mofo."

Yeah, that learned him.

This week's Daily Telegraph (often referred to by this blog as the Daily Rag - I would say toilet paper but seeing as it's full of shit already it would be useless for that purpose...) has given me plenty of laughs in this regard.

I think it started with a general 'beat-up' piece by Paul Kent.

In it, the hyper-excited little wannabe journalist claimed that a Wallabies vs Kangaroos (Union v League) hybrid game for charity was pretty much a done deal.

It was exposed as a 'beat-up' (i.e a steaming pile of turd) within 24 hours when the ARU and ARL both took time out from laughing themselves stupid to can the idea.

Of course, Kent then wrote up another piece talking himself up as some sort of visionary prophet because he thinks this match would create world peace and the suits from HQ are a bunch of idiots for scoffing at the idea. Which I think was just a way of trying to distract people from the fact he made the f*cken story up after talking for 3 minutes to some pony-tailed promoter in a 1980s Porsche.

Kent is moron who, sadly, doesn't realise it. Journalists like him forget they are just opinions on a piece of paper and not the living geniuses they think they are.

But that's not the point.

What happened is that the readership of the Daily Rag got wind of this story and suddenly were MORE F*CKING INSPIRED THAN PETER THE HERMIT IN 1096 AD.

It was as though the friggin' RAPTURE had arrived and their place in it was assured.

THIS was the purpose they were born! To COMMENT ON THIS USELESS REDUNDANT STORY!

And by GOD they weren't going to miss this calling!

So off they f*cken STAMPEDED to the "comments" section to record their incoherent (and often imbecile) ramblings for all time, because some part of them felt that if they didn't, future generations would be poorer for it.

And bless them, say I, for without them my day would be at least 17% less amusing.

I would like to go through a few of them that particularly amused me, but then this post would be about seven thousand pages long and although I am blessed with verbal diarrhoea that's a bit much even for me.

So what I'll do instead is summarise the main points which pretty much every "comment" fell into and explain why the hell THEY MAKE NO F*CKEN SENSE, IDIOTS.

Category 1: The rugby league team would win 50 million nil because (insert brainless, shallow, non-analytical, nonsensical, simplistic reason here).

Category 2: The rugby team would win 50 million nil because (insert brainless, shallow, non-analytical, nonsensical, simplistic reason here).

Category 3: Well actually no, they were the only 2 categories. Unless I put in its own category the really amusing comment from a Kiwi who suggested that if they really wanted to showcase the best in the world from each code they'd play "All-Blacks vs Kiwis" rather than "Wallabies v Kangaroos". See THAT'S funny.

(Also some idiot who simply needed to express the following: "Call them the Wallaroos", and that was it. Somewhere, the cosmic god of stupidity is punching the air and shouting "yesss!!").

Reading the detail that nitwits posted in support of their category 1 and 2 claims was like getting my cortex strobed with a million volt "stupidity-beam".

For example - the rugby boys would win the scrums, the lineouts and the rucks and mauls.

This comment was left by Albert Einstein, obviously.

I mean, how stupid is it? I can't even really bag it out it because it's just so obviously dumb. OF COURSE THEY F*CKEN WOULD.

And the counter is, of course, that the rugby "boys" wouldn't handle getting up and back 10 metres, and the dummy-half play, and the shoulder-charges.

Well f*cken DUH.

Let me repeat, well f*cken DUH.

And if we played the Kangaroos against the f*cken Beijing platform diving team then Craig Fitzgibbon wouldn't be able to perform a triple-pike with twist either.

Morons.

Only flanno-shirt wearing mullet boys care about the Kangaroos and "international" rugby league anyway. The only downside to the Kiwis winning the thing was that some over-stimulated moron used the word "credibility" somewhere within the 250km exclusion zone surrounding the RLWC.

When that happened, the super-advanced alien race that has been observing us for 250 million years (and was about to proffer up to us the advanced secrets of the universe for having evolved sufficiently) slapped their foreheads in disgust, tore up their observation notes, circled N next to "ready for enlightenment Y/N?", gave up on us, packed up and flew the f*ck back to Blasteroid IV forever.

And the penalty-orgy of international rugby isn't much better. Somehow the eggheads that run rugby decided that the single most exciting thing possible in world sport is to watch a single person spend 4 minutes pulling up their socks, staring at a ball and running to kick it at a large H in the ground.

So they decided to design an entire f*cken game around it.

And you know what? Power to 'em. Each game has its fans. The large majority of whom, sadly, don't f*cken realise there's GOOD REASONS THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

See there's a stupid assumption by all the people considering this hybrid game that it would somehow combine only the "best" elements of each into one, new, super uber-game.

Which completely ignores the fact that we're all morons and can't get anything the f*ck right.

So what we'd end up with would be a f*cken disastrous mash of boring f*cken scrums, kicks for goal, grapple tackles, endless replays of potential tries to determine "obstruction", wimpy penalties for shoulder-charges and head-stamps - and if you think the play-the-ball and ruck is a f*cken joke in league and/or union now, IMAGINE WHAT IT COULD BE LIKE IF YOU FUSED THEM TOGETHER!?

It would be like the f*cken ugly love-child of Matt Dunning and Josh Morris. That is, so ugly that the very fabric of reality would try to fold in on itself.

So f*ck this hybrid game off and start commenting on the story in the Daily Rag today about the sex-starved MILF rooting school boys - you know, the quality journalism stories like that one.

A Very Sticky Conspiracy...

Well the Rugby League World Cup has come and gone, and one of this blog's biggest fans, The Mayor of Mac Fields, his honourableness the great Crackmeister, has written in to convey his great disappointment that Chov did not rant on the tournament.

It's not that I don't do requests.

My response is largely summed up by the fact that it would be akin to taking candy from a baby, or suggesting Australian Idol isn't really a great way to identify talent.

That is, somewhat redundant.

But what inspired me was today's story that Ricky Stuart got fired up at the refereeing and suggested the Australian team was "stitched up" in the Final.

I love a good conspiracy theory, because they combine two things I love most about the world - morons and things morons say.

That, and the fact that good conspiracy theories don't get obscured by silly little details, like FACTS for instance.

What I would like to understand is how this conspiracy theory managed to arrange the following events during the match:

1. Darren "When I'm Drunk The Bouncer Looks Like A Tackle Bag To Me" Lockyer dropping the ball before grounding it for a try.
2. Billy "Stampy" Slater throwing the official Dumbest Pass of the Tournament and
3. Joel "Bubbler" Monaghan coat-hangering a Kiwi chasing the ball through.

I mean, you can say the penalty try decision was a "stitch-up", why make a conspicuous decision like that when it isn't necessary - weren't the Kiwis in front anyway? If you really wanted to stitch up a league game, I would suggest the easiest way to do it would be to give a team momentum in the way you police the ruck and the 10 metre-rule....very easy to give one team a leg-up and keep the other down that way. And it's not even obvious.

No, I'm afraid it's just a sook from Stick.

And I'm really hurt, because this blog has previously confessed a man-crush on Sticky, just because he is (like this blog) an angry angry man. And we need to stick together in these trying times, when we are an endangered species.

But he is talking out of his turd-tunnel on this one.

And so is John Kosmina.

Sydney FC are playing like planks and spending more time sooking than toughening up and it shows.

Also, they must be really pleased they spent all that money on John Aloisi. Big return so far.

And finally, Chov is branching out into a new realm - coming soon....a music review, one 10 years in the making!

Yes, it's true, Axl Rose finally released "Chinese Democracy". Build an Ark! (No, don't ask me how long a "cubit" is...)

Chov will listen, as a service to you dear readers, and report back soon.

And a big shout out to Maca "Purple Plums" McDonald....once he was known as El Maco Pudendo Magnifico - now he is just known as ol' Split Sack. But we love him and hope he recovers soon - who knew an impersonation of Buster Gonad from VIZ could go so horribly wrong??!

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #10: St George Illawarra

Team: St George Dragons (when they lose) Illawarra Steelers (when they play in scarlet, play at WIN Stadium, or win)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:

There is nothing but love in my heart for the Illawarra Steelers, hailing from country that God Lord H. Geezus Almighty Christ hisself have BLESSED, namely my home-town Wollongong and the Greater Illawarra region.

On the other hand, f*ck the St George Dragons up the f*cken ar$e with a broken bottle.

F*cken crybabys, your poor little f*cken decrepit, run-down $hit-hole at Kogarah might not be used for footy games. The reasons, of course, are apparent to everyone else who has more than 4 brain cells functioning in unison - its a F*CKEN $HITHOLE. The SUBURB is a $HITHOLE. The GROUND is a SHITHOLE. Your area contributes three thirds of F*CK ALL to the team. If it weren't for the Steelers, you f*cking pieces of $hit would be calling yourselves the Eastern Suburbs Rooster-Dragons, or even the Sutherland Dragon-Sharks by now - and your hackneyed, cliche, boring f*cken overly-precious little Red V would exist only in your coveted Johnny Raper Masturbatorium somewhere inside the Saints Leagues Club.

Your 11 successive grand finals is NOT a f*cken world record, there are soccer teams in leagues around the world who have won more successive titles. But like all Saints fans, don't let the FACTS get in the way of your F*CKWITNESS.

Like the following FACT for instance: your so-called "Taj Mahal" St George Leagues Club went from a $1.9 million profit into a $1.7 million dollar loss in ONE YEAR last year. And you f*cken peanuts want to talk about f*cking off Win Stadium in Wollongong? SORT YOUR OWN BACKYARD OUT, F*CKWITS.

CEO Peter Doust's decision to cut costs means no senior feeder side for the Dragons in the NSWRL. Fine by Illawarra, which has not only the Carlton Illawarra League but ALSO the Group 7 competition running down there. So f*ck you, Kogarah, and f*ck your red V, too. Who needs you?

Heard of Graeme Langlands? Illawarra boy. Craig Young? Illawarra boy, and his f*cken PUB isn't in f*cken KOGARAH, A$$HOLES, and his SON DIDN"T START IN THE F*CKEN ST GEORGE JUNIOR COMP EITHER. Bob Fulton? Illawarra. Steve Roach? Illawarra. Warren Ryan? Illawarra.

We were contributing to rugby league without our own team for a long f*cken time, ar$eholes, when clubs like yours got the benefits without doing a f*cken thing in return. So f*ck you. We had no team, and kept the faith anyway. You poor little f*cktards lose a few home games and want to cry and go follow basketball instead. F*ck off. Go the Steelers, instead. Dean Schifilliti will NEVER DIE!

Special F*ckwit Watch:

• Mark "I Wasn't Even There, Except When I Was" Gasnier - When he's not seducing women with his silky-smooth phone-manner from the back of a cab, Gaz is usually threatening to go to rugby union to wring more money out of the NRL and Peter Doust. Or lying on a treatment table.
• Jason "Pillows" Ryles - makes Shane Watson look like the f*cken Iron Man from Planet Indestructible IV. Once dreamed about walking up some stairs; woke up with a torn heart muscle, period pain, an inverted colon, polio, an erection that wouldn't go down and dengue fever. Was out injured for 11 years.
• Any and all former St George players. Ever.
• Bob "Client Number 10" Millward - Here's the former Steelers boss who said NO to Superleague and sentenced the Steelers to 27 lifetimes of f*cken purgatory in his haste to frot Ken Arthurson. "No, no Superleague for us," said the monumental f*ckwit, "far better to die altogether and make Chov listen to the f*cking whining bleating of inane St George fans for ever after." Somewhere I hope Mr Millward is suffering from f*cken piles.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

• Home-made sex tapes of Peter Doust and Nathan Brown come to light on the internet. Doust and Brown lock themselves into St George Leagues Club and a tense, 392-week hostage stand-off ensues. Finally, Doust agrees to call off the siege if 10,000 Dragons fans who aren't pu$$ies can be found - or else he will detonate 5000000000000kgs of explosives beneath the club and Kogarah Oval and all along Jubilee Ave. 3 fans turn up. 1 satisfies the criteria, but he lives in Finland. Kaboom.
• With the Dragons gone, the Illawarra Steelers return and win 2000 premierships in a row.
• Jason Ryles achieves a personal-best 12 minutes of injury-free time.
• Medical science discovers why the Morris twins are so f*cking ugly. The Pope insists the secret be buried for a million years.

Overall Hate Factor: (Dragons) = 15/10 , (Steelers) = None. I wear my old Steelers jersey to bed, dreaming of the days I wore the scarlet with pride. I love you Craig Walsh! I love you!

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #9: Souths

Team: South Sydney Rabbitohs. 100 years of F*ckwittery. What the f*ck is a "rabbitoh"? The genetic freak result of a 'sexy' (and unholy) union between George Piggins and a rabbit? A rabbit who says "sorry"? A rabbit everyone claims to be a "fan" of, but nobody goes to f*cken watch? What?

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:

Oh I have been waiting for this for some time. Where to start?

F*ck you Souths, you f*cken pi$$-stain on the wall beside the urinal. F*ck you, indeed.

You were good in the '60s or something. So was giving expectant mothers lithium. Get the F*CK OVER IT. It gives you no divine right to F*CKEN ANYTHING in the modern age. For every f*cking obnoxious turd who rallied to get you back into the comp, ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE STAYED THE F*CK HOME. No, not everyone loves you! Not everyone is glad you're back! Some people f*cken hate you with a f*cken passion you can only dream about in your pi$$ant little f*cken fairy-floss and pink butterflies "Book of Feuds" - and I AM THEIR F*CKEN KING.

No, Rusty Crowe, you f*ckwit, we don't all think that league goes well when Souths goes well. Your team has been an insignificant wart in the ar$e-crack of rugby league for 30 odd years, and rugby league has been F*CKING FANTASTIC during that time. Giving out Souths jerseys to every f*cken Hollywood celeb you suck-off through a glory-hole in The Viper Room SETS RUGBY LEAGUE'S INTERNATIONAL GROWTH POTENTIAL BACK FOUR THOUSAND YEARS.

So Ray Martin is a fan? Woop de f*cken doo dah. Ray also thinks David Hicks was just separated from his "Kon Tiki Taliban" tour after pausing to help little Afghani children pick wild chocolate in the fields.

Newsflash Souths: scraping into the finals last season and going ONE AND DONE is NOT f*cken cause to start tipping a grand final within the next 12 months. Scooping up turds off your training field before training doesn't mean your "facilities are world class". Wearing jersey sponsors that are just Rusty Crowe movies is F*CKING STUPID. The Charity Shield really DOES MEAN F*CK ALL. George Piggins is a F*CKING PRAT. A turd in an Armani suit is STILL A TURD.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

• Russell "It's For You, Answer It With Your Forehead" Crowe - take the amount of love you have for Souths, cube it, double it, square it again - that's how much HATE I have for them. Take your fairy, jessy, wimpy Little Golden Book of Feuds and shove it into your turd-tunnel and then sit back and read my NRL Preview to understand what it means to HATE.
• David "If You Kids Don't Stop F*cking Around I'll Put My Foot Up Your Ar$e" Kidwell - and he did. And he hurt his knee and missed the rest of the season. I laughed. It couldn't have happened to an uglier man.
• Nathan "Why Don't I Get Picked For NSW" Merritt - because you are pi$$weak. And $hit. So shut the f*ck up, nobody outside of Rusty Crowe's man-harem cares.
• Jeremy "Wrong Option, Every Time" Smith - Souths best signing, because it took him away from Parramatta.
• Nigel "No, It's Not Pronounced That Way" Vagana - you're not the mysterious Fu Manchu. You're just a f*ckwit with a stupid hairstyle and a stupid beard.
• Dean "Bryan Fletcher Just Thinks I Have A Year Round Tan" Widders - good bench player at Parra, got delusions of grandeur and thought he was fit enough to make an impact for 80 minutes. I laughed.
• Craig "Pretty Boy" Wing - Posed in a Souths jersey before actually leaving the Chickens. Mouthed off at everybody at the Chickens from the CEO to the kid who peels the oranges. Mouthed off at everybody who likes the Chickens. Mouthed off at anybody who likes anyone who likes the Chickens. Tried to blow up a Steggles truck. And then sooked for Mummy when the Chickens said they were going to "get him". F*ck you Craig Wing, you f*cken lamby-pamby $hit-squirt.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

• A petition signed by 3 billion people is presented to David Gallop and the United Nations to eradicate South Sydney from existence. Within hours, armed death squads have hit the streets with orders to shoot on sight. Within weeks of their completing their task, a cure is found for cancer, peace is achieved in the Middle East, Tooheys' research & development division creates 13 new flavours of beer (including one called Tooheys 'Sex with Natalie Bassingthwaite'), petrol is $0.05 a litre and women all over the entire planet elect to live topless, forever after.
• Also, Rusty Crowe makes a movie in which he portrays Muhammad founding South Sydney in 3000 B.C. He is nominated for an Academy Award and loses to the guy who played Screech in Saved By The Bell. Meanwhile, rabid Islamic fundamentalists all over the world issue a fatwah on Rusty's a$$. He is forced to sell up his stake in Souths and live as a hermit, NEVER F*CKEN OPENING HIS MOUTH AGAIN.
• And the Eels beat Souths 224 to nil and 843 to nil.
• Nathan Merritt accidentally runs into a tackle bag at training. He breaks 112 bones and is out for 4 years.
• Craig Wing gets pregnant.

Overall Hate Factor: 7,212/10 - Altogether now...."F*ck You, F*ck You To South Sydney!"

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #8: Shire Sharks

Team: Cronulla Sharks. Foreigners welcome. From the Cronulla Tourist Bureau's latest pamphlet (free with every "So you've decided to illegally migrate to Australia" Welcoming Pack) .....: "Enjoy quintessential Australia in this idyllic little sea-side village, where the locals are always more than happy to share with you the secrets of quaint local customs. Join in the "Keep Ostraya F*cken Ostrayn" celebrations on Australia Day, and help locals re-enact the famous ANZAC landing on the beaches at Kurnell. Shire Motto: "Islam-Free Since 2005!"

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well here's a turn-up for the books, I actually don't feel any hate whatsoever for coach Ricky Stuart.

That noise I heard was like a large disturbance in the force - almost as though thousands of readers gasped out in shock, and then fell suddenly silent....

No, it's true. I think he is about the only person associated with rugby league who hates everyone else associated with rugby league with ALMOST the same intensity that I do. I say ALMOST because Ricky still has to be politically correct, with his position as coach and all. Whereas Chov f*cken calls it as he sees it. But that's not Ricky's fault.

Still, he pu$$ied out on the whole Brett Kimmorley thing. He called him $hit, then became his club coach and kissed and made up. Jessy.

But, you know, f*ck the Sharks and all that. Why does every f*cken tosser who mentions this team INSIST on calling them the "Sharkies"?? Every time I hear it, 15 different blood vessels in my eye-ball throb and nearly explode in rage. I want to smash through my TV screen and smash Laurie Daley's face into the desk about eighteen thousand times whenever he says it.

You stop calling them "Sharkies" when you turn, oh, the age of FOUR, f*ckwits. And even THEN, it's only if you're actually a Sharks FAN.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

See it's too obvious to say Paul "The Amazing Human Bonehead - see him move! see him SPEAK! Is he REAL?" Gallen. Yeah, he's a tosser, even his own Mum probably told him to f*ck off on Mother's Day and swung a left hook at him on the way out. But he's really more in the category of "wankers to ignore" - like tools who pump out R&B $hit on their car stereos at high volume. Shake your head, then forget them as they pass out of earshot (13 kilometres away).

No, we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid. He can't help himself, it's like a f*cken chromosomal thing - or like one of those wind-up cars that keeps smashing into a wall and then spinning around and zooming off until it smashed into another wall. He's like the result of Nazi scientists in the last days of the war, in their secret Bunker lab, racing to perfect the human-f*ckwit-automaton. And bless him, bless him I say, because he will give me plenty of material all year long.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

• The lame moron (think: advertising executive, on their mobile, driving convertible BMW, balding on top, pony-tail at back) who came up with the brilliantly f*ckwitted idea to play the "Jaws" theme music whenever the Sharks get into the 20 metre zone gets attached to a 700000 volt generator by the perineum - every time the music starts I push the RED button. How "clever" and "quirky" does the f*cken idea sound now, dip$hit?
• The Sharks lose to the Eels by 18,000 points. No need for f*cken "golden-point" extra time now, huh, f*ckers?
• Lance "Bloodnuts Should Be Drowned At Birth" Thompson, whilst drinking heavily post-game, gets into a disagreement with a fan about whether he had made twenty-SEVEN or twenty-EIGHT tackles in the second half, and punches the living $hit out of them as a succinct closing argument. Wakes up 2 days later to discover it was his mum.
• With 1 min to go and tied 12-all with the Bondi Chickens, Ricky Stuart gets so f*cken angry that he runs down from the coach's box, throws on a Sharks t-shirt and some thongs, steers the Sharks 85 metres downfield and slots a field-goal from right in front, backwards through his legs, with his ERECT C*CK, wins the game, tells Brett Kimmorley "THAT'S HOW YOU F*CKEN DO IT PEANUT", runs to the car-park, takes a foot-long $hit right on top of Nick Politis's Ford Ranger, tells a 7 year old autograph-hunter in a Tigers cap to "f*ck off idiot, if you can't even get the team right i'm too f*cken busy", pauses to leave an obscene phone message on Wayne Bennett's answering machine for the 11th time that day, and then receives a new personal-best NRL-record fine in the post-match press conference for calling Shayne Hayne a "f*cking cheating incompetent, dog's-a$$-raping, motherf*cking f*ckturd" 18 times (including writing it on a whiteboard for assembled journalists. Steve Mascord still doesn't get it).
• Either that or all Lebanon's group matches in the Rugby League World Cup are scheduled for Henson/Toyota/Shark Park.

Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - f*ck you Sharks, and Mark McGaw was a $hit "Gladiator" too.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #7: Penrith Panthers

Team: Penriff Panffers Rulz Roight (pronounced in true Nepean dialect)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: I grew up looking at this team playing in white jerseys that looked as though someone had wiped their ar$e with them, leaving a giant turd-brown stain across the top. Then along came Mark Geyer. The rest is Hatred History.

Special F*ckwit Watch: To coach Matthew Elliott, a snivelling skidmark on the underpants of mankind, a very special "f*ck you" from the bottom of my anus. Oh, sure, I had some time for this bloke when he was coaching the Ragedrs - he seemed decent, lucid - even thoughtful. But now I see that was a clever disguise, which only served to mask the giant throbbing A$$HOLE beneath.

What was it this turd-sandwich said after leaving the Ragedrs to coach Penriff? Something about "well, now watch me REALLY coach, now that I have some GOOD PLAYERS instead of f*cken TURNIPS".

Even if it was true, you don't have to say it, ar$ehole. Just go out and f*cken dazzle us with your f*cken brilliance, why don't ya? Look out NRL Premiership, here comes "Supercoach" Elliott and his uber-talented Panffers!!

Except you must not have anticipated the part, while you were wanking to this fantasy on the crapper, where you FINISHED AT THE SPHINCTER-HOLE END OF THE TABLE.

Bravo, f*ckwit, bravo.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

• Panffers finish ar$ehole-first in 16th position, with two 423 to nil losses to the Eels.
• Special bonus losses! - "Supercoach" Elliott beaten by the Ragedrs. Every. Single. F*cken. Time. For the next 2 million years.
• For just one single F*CKEN YEAR, Channel 9 do NOT f*cken show that f*cken boring cliche footage of Mark "Pussy" Geyer being barge-ar$ed around by Wally Lewis in the pouring rain, Origin '91. Memo: Mark Geyer - you had your f*cken chance, big man, to smash the living $hit out of Lewis, and bring forward his CT scans about 14 years, and you F*CKEN BLEW IT. You F*CKEN FAIRY. So sit down, shut the F*CK UP and stop pretending to be some sort of F*CKEN HARD MAN. Dip$hit.
• Greg "Has My Voice Broken Yet?" Alexander correctly identifies a tactical nuance in a game of rugby league. Greg, I understand what a "play the ball" is. Trust me. But, f*ck, THANK YOU for pointing out, time after time after time, that a kick from within the 40 that goes out inside the 20 is a....wait for it...."40-20". Ye gods. I just realised without Laurie "The Boston Language-Mangler" Daley on Foxtel, I'll have to listen to more of this ex-Penriff peanut.
• Phil "The Love" Gould actually goes the whole hog and starts ma$turbating live on air when Channel 9 are covering the Panffers, dropping the f*cken pretence once and for all. Memo: Panffers and Phil Gould - get a F*CKEN ROOM ALREADY.

Overall Hate Factor: 17/10 - F*ck you Penriff, and kiss my nuts "Supercoach" - better luck next year, coaching the Leonay under 7s. Maybe they have the "cattle" for you, peanut.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #6: Newcastle Knights

Team: Newcastle Knights, also known as "The Brian Smith Experiment v2.0"

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well, see, mostly I laughed. And laughed. And then I laughed. Oh how I laughed.

I laughed because Newcastle hired on Brain Smith (not a typo), finally ending this Eel fan's purgatory (and starting a new era, but that's another preview). That was funny, but it got funnier.

It got funnier when the Newcastle fans were surprised to learn that Brain Smith, in fact, is a f*ckwit, and he wasn't somehow transformed into a genius on his way up the highway. I mean, in the Church of F*ckwitology, Brain Smith is like the f*cken equivalent of Tom Cruise. He's like up to the f*cken 11th level, where he has his own f*cken spaceship in the volcano, and is interpreting early messages from the aliens that explain the secrets of virtual f*ckwitociousness. THAT'S how f*ckwit he is.

And I can't f*cken stand any of their fans, the ones who really f*cken thought that Andrew Johns interview with Phil Gould was "riveting television". And all the f*cken pin-heads who thought JARROD MULLEN was a superstar after THREE MINUTES OF FIRST GRADE. F*ck you all, Knights fans, and your so-called f*cken "passionate support" - the reason you can catch 56 buses down to Sydney for finals games is because THEY SHUT THE PUBS and none of you HAVE F*CKEN JOBS.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

Obviously Brain Smith is going to push hard each and every week for my special NRL F*ckwit of the Week Award (watch out for that one), but here are some other wet-farts in an elevator:

• Adam "Mars Bar" MacDougall - the highlight of his career was stomping on Geoff Toovey's face in the '97 Grand Final. Sadly he undid this good work by offering up the lamest (or funniest) excuse for failing a drug-test ever - ingesting a Mars Bar before hand. What. The. F*ck?
• Jarrod "The Next Joey Johns #327" Mullen - probably not his fault, but f*ck me was I the only person in the WORLD who did NOT jump on this dip$hit's bandwagon during State of Origin last year? He's a peanut. He's played 36 seconds. And you f*ckwits think he's the next Immortal. Puh-lease.
• Wes "Make The Man Some F*cken Iggs" Naiqama - I think he can get his driver's licence back some time in the year 8040 A.D.

What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:

• Brain Smith greeted in the car park by a mob of "passionate Newcastle fans" after the Knights lose 814 to nil to the Eels - bearing burning torches and pitchforks. "Burn The Witch!" they cry....
• Jarrod Mullen picks up the slack with Joey's "dealer" and starts sniffing Clag and Liquid Paper that has not been diluted in the suggested quantities.
• Danny Buderus actually plays up to his reputation, especially during State of Origin.

Overall Hate Factor: 12/10 - Get f*cked Newcastle. Even BHP got tired of you and f*cked off.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #5: Manlove-ly

Team: Man-love-ly Sea Eagles

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: See, I'm old-school. When Manly were $hit a couple of years ago, and some f*cktard appeared on my television screen saying something colon-explodingly stupid like "people don't hate Manly as much any more" I wanted to teleport to his location so I could F*CKING KUNG-FU KICK HIS F*CKING APPENDIX OUT THROUGH HIS PI$$-HOLE.

I. HATE. MANLY. What a f*cken ironic name. They're anything BUT.

Special F*ckwit Watch:

Oh, I have a special little warm place in my colon, filled with quietly $hit-bubbling hate, for Jamie "Queenscliff Is Too 'The Bush'!" Lyon.

Because while thousands forget, I F*CKEN REMEMBER.

*I* f*cken remember how poor widdle Jamie couldn't handle them folk in the big city, it was all too busy and scary in the big smoke, and Country-Bumpkin Jamie needed to get back to wide open spaces where you can f*ck a sheep in the back paddock in broad daylight and wave to Farmer Jones when he toots on his way past in the truck, and you don't even have to wipe your d1ck before coming in for dinner. So poor widdle Jamie ran away from the Eels, so far far far away into the country so they could never find him, because he went SO FAR INTO THE COUNTRY that he discovered a tiny little country hamlet just over THE F*CKEN SPIT BRIDGE.

About the only thing I could smile about while watching the Melbourne Scum win the Grand Final last year was the supreme tingle of satisfaction I had in my anus, knowing this little f*ck-stain didn't win. Even his own fans voted him "most over-rated". And that was probably at f*cken Wee-Waa.

And here's a selection of other tossers I'd like to have in a room when I toss a $hitbag into the fan:

• Brent Kite - A mate of mine once took 17 minutes to drop a turd that was about 1 and a half feet long. It had more footballing ability than Brent Kite.
• Steve Menzies - has spent a career being called a "second-rower" when his actual position is "laze around 1 man in from the f*cken sideline, catch the last pass and fall over the try-line". F*ck off Steve Menzies. What do you need head-gear for, there's more chance of the f*cken boy in the bubble making heavy contact than you.
• Every single Manly forward - F*ck you all, you f*cking bunch of girlish jessys. It's YOUR fault the Melbourne Scum are champions, and in case you can't tell, I DON'T FORGIVE. So F*CK YOU. F*cking chicken-$hits. F*ck off.
• Geoff Toovey - even as a f*cken TRAINER running on and off the field he has a wonderful head you could just smash with a f*cken cricket bat ALL DAY LONG and NEVER get tired of it.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Manly lose every single game, including two 175 nil losses to the Eels, one of them being Steve Menzie's farewell to Brookvale game.
• It rains* on Steve Menzie's farewell to Brookvale lap of honour.
• (*Rains hailstones the size of Volkswagens.)
• Matt Orford goes for a 40-20 and succeeds in kicking the entire Steeden right up Glenn Stewart's ar$ehole, putting him out for the season. Fifteen operations later, they still can't remove the ball. But they find a f*cken platypus, an espresso-maker and an LCD PC monitor up there as well.
• Luke Williamson gets a f*cken HAIRCUT.
• The Daily Telegraph runs a story about a Manly player, and DOESN'T INCLUDE A F*CKEN PICTURE OF THEM WITH A SURFBOARD. It CAN BE DONE.

Hate Factor: 13/10 - old school, baby, old school. Which means f*ck you Phil Blake. And f*ck you Wormald, whatever the f*ck you even are.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #4: Nth Qld Cowpats

Team: North Queensland Cowpats

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:

• They have jerseys that look like Bozo The Clown took a splattery $hit on a white t-shirt.
• I'm sick to f*cken death of hearing about how "great the support is up here", get the f*ck over it.
• For the most part, originally, they were pretty harmless, but then some pompous f*cktard had to go and get f*cken delusions of grandeur up there and start spouting off that the Cowpats were "everyone's second favourite team" or some such similar rubbish. See, everything goes ok until some F*CKWIT opens his MORON-HOLE doesn't it? You are NOT my second, third, fourth or even 900000000000000000000000000000000056th favourite team, DIP$HITS - you're just a pack of inbred hicks from up north who cheer on a rapist because he can kick a footy reasonably well. So F*CK YOU.
• They're a real loyal f*cken bunch. Ask Graham Murray.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Oh, Carl Webb, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways....

Carl Webb is the f*cken most f*cken over-rated "hard" man in world sport. Galactic sport, even. Here's a little known stat - Carl Webb makes one effective run for every 9 thousand million attempts. But when he does, his bring-Ray-Warren-to-orgasm conversion ratio is 100%. So somehow this lumbering f*cken buffoon has a reputation as some SCARY (eeek!) hard man.

F*ck off. Kiss my nuts, Carl Webb. Your entire career is summed up in the term "f*ck all".

Also not worth pi$$ing on if they are on fire:

• Jon "She Was Like That When I Got Here" Thurston - knows how to treat a lady.
• Matt "Run Like You've Got A DVD Player Under Your Arm!" Bowen - oh f*ck off already with all this $hit about how good he is. Whatever happened to TACKLING?
• Luke "Mummy Kiss Ums Better" O'Donnell - is bringing a note from his Mummy with him to every single game from now on that tells all the other boys not to tackle little Lukey-wookles too hard. F*cken fairy. Have a couple of swigs of this new drink "TOUGHENTHEF*CKUP" and shut up.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Jon "I Was A Teenage Rapist" Thurston raped by a pack of big black feral Alsatians, who are never punished and instead transfer interstate to other holiday kennels, where they are feted and nobody ever mentions "the unpleasantness" again.
• The Cowpats get a crowd of 25,000 in the middle of CYCLONE F*CKEN CECIL, finally giving the f*cken mongo Gorden Tallis a LEGITIMATE F*CKEN REASON to say, for the 100000000000000000000th time, that "...they really love their footy up here."
• The Cowpats wear a$$less chaps to honour former forward Ian Robert's birthday.

Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - Just f*ck off, cowgirls.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #3: Canberra Ragedrs

Team: Canberra Ragedrs - (name courtesy of El Maco Pudendo Magnifico, ruthlessly mauling his phone's predictive-text key-pad to send me a late, drunken SMS. Comedy gold.)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well I live here and have to endure tacky f*cken promotions like GREEN MILK every year because the Ragedrs wear the single most SICKENING colour to ever stain a sporting field - LIME GREEN. Plus most Ragedrs "fans" $hit me to tears because they all f*cked off to watch the Brumbies at the first opportunity anyway, but still call themselves "hard-core" because they turn up to watch 1 Ragedrs game a year on a "brisk" Sunday afternoon. And then leave 25 minutes early to beat traffic. Finally, this bunch of f*cken ar$ey wankers always seem to manage to jag a f*cken late, come-from-behind win over the Eels, but wet their f*cken pi$$y green panties one week later to lose to the Melbourne Scum by 30.

But mostly, it's because Turd Carney plays for them.

NB: Although I have bagged out the Ragedrs for the purposes of comedy and this f*cken stupid Blog, I reserve the right to close ranks on any and all Sydney-based media who try to do the same. F*ck you, I'm GLAD you don't like Canberra, otherwise you'd all f*cken MOVE HERE and turn this place into a $hithole like YOUR city.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Well say hello to the one and only Turd "I'm Right To Drive" Carney, a truly special little $hit-splat on the ar$e-cheeks of humanity. You remember Turd, right? Turd narrowly missed out on the opportunity to experience "prison-romance" up close with his host, Larry The Biker, because an ACT Magistrate (Motto: "Every third offence free!") reviewed the following events, and, I $hit you not, deemed them worthy of (actual punishment, not $hit I just made up) a $500 fine and $107 court costs (oh, and some community service):

1. Turd got drunk
2. Turd drove himself and his drunk mate in his car
3. Turd sped very fast
4. Local constabulary observed Turd speeding
5. Turd "forgot" that wailing sirens and flashing lights on pursuing cop-cars aren't just a "friendly reminder" to stop or slow-down.
7. Turd "forgot" that having a current driver's licence isn't actually just "suggested best practice" for ACT motorists.
8. Turd also "forgot" that he did this just 3 months ago, which is why his driver's licence was the victim of a ceremonial burning by the ACT Dept of Urban Services.
9. Turd ditched his car, and his drunk mate, and ran away through the bush faster than a French soldier who smells sauerkraut.
10. In time honoured Aussie tradition, Turd got caught and attempted to get out of trouble by selling his mate UP THE F*CKEN RIVER.

Now, of course, because the kid can play footy his club didn't kick him out. Although his mate, who was $hit, got $hit-canned faster than Artie Beetson finishes a KFC Family Pack. But you would think that the kid ought to get into Ragedrs HQ really early every morning, just so he can spend that first 45 minutes KISSING THE F*CKEN BALL-SACK of the Ragedrs CEO, wouldn't you?

WRONG AGAIN DIP$HITS!

Turd is showing his loyalty to the club what discovered him by WAVING HIS C*CK IN THEIR FACE for a few weeks while he gets a new fountain pen custom-made with which to sign a new contract with another club. At the VERY FIRST F*CKEN OPPORTUNITY of contract expiry.

F*ck you, Turd. F*ck you very much.

Also a special mention to former Ragedr Laurie Daley, who, THANK THE LORD CHRIST H. GEEZUS HISSELF, is now gone from Foxtel so I pretty much never have to listen to him again. His contribution to "insightful commentary" is akin to what Catholic priests contribute to "responsible child-minding".

Oh, and Colin Best, who is just such a fairy I can't help but laugh.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Chov sledges Turd Carney so much, and for so long, Carney attempts to jump the fence and fight him in Round 3, thereby spawning enough material for roughly 8,000 posts to this blog.
• The Ragedrs avoid the wooden spoon, yet again, just so that all the f*ckwits who write for the Daily Telegraph as so-called "experts" look like f*ckwits AGAIN.
• That, just for f*cken ONCE, I can go to the footy with my favourite peep Maca "Rough Sex" McDonald and watch my beloved EELS smash 13 different colours of $hit out of his Ragedrs. And laugh at him in the car ALL THE WAY HOME. For ONCE. And I'm not greedy, just one 312 to nil Eels win would be all I'd need.

Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - Turd Carney accounts for 9 of these points on his own.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #2: C*nterbury Bullwogs

Team: C*nterbury Bullwogs

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: So many reasons, so little time. I mean, just to whip out a couple - the blatant and unrepentant salary-cap cheating, the pack-rapes their players engage in and their scum-of-the-f*cken-earth "fans", what's not to love about hating this slimy bunch of putrid filth staining the earth? There's something in this turd-stain of a club for everyone in the whole family to hate!

Special F*ckwit Watch: Well, you'll have to wait for another club's preview to get me started on Willie "Mr A.D.D" Mason, alas. But never fear, with this all-star line-up of F*CKWITS to hate instead:

• Willie "I'm Next" Tonga: Willie lists "X-Box" and "Stamp-collecting" as his hobbies. Also "waiting in line to pack rape women at Central Coast motels".
• Matt "Meat Sack" Utai: The result of a scientific experiment to jam 7 human beings into a single 4 foot tall body. They couldn't find any room for the brains.
• Hazchem El MajorDick - couldn't tackle his way out of a wet paper bag, wears undershorts for no reason, C*nterbury fans love him, token ethnic minority.
• Reni Manure - so you're a f*cken "Bra Boy" and you're f*cken "Bra-Boy" tough huh? F*cken puh-lease. Join the SAS then, f*cken heroes.
• Chris Armpit, Andrew "The Human Eyebrow" Ryan, Justin Tsoulos - f*cken JUDAS TRIO.
• 10,000 C*nterbury fans - every f*cken single f*cken week.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• An A380 Airbus crashes into the ground at the C*nterbury vs Melbourne Scum game, destroying the entire coaching and playing staffs of both clubs, and up to 30,000 of their fans as a special bonus. (The plane is also full of C*nterbury and Melbourne Scum fans, and piloted by John Ribot).
• More crowd trouble at a C*nterbury game, however the flares they set off set fire to the entire Bullwog Army. NRL bans the club from all competition for 812 years anyway.
• Sonny-Bill injured for 25 of 26 rounds. And suspended for the other. Actually, this might well happen.
• C*nterbury losing 27 times, including a credibility-destroying 6,228 - nil loss to Eels.

Overall Hate Factor: 15/10 - F*ck the f*cken f*ckers.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #1: Brisbane Bonkos

Today we begin Chov's in-depth look at the upcoming NRL season, which I'm spreading over a couple of days because it will waste more work-time that way.

Now, there are readers of this f*cken moronic blog who don't really follow sport. Fear not! All you have to do is read my special F*cktacular NRL Season Preview and you will be armed for all manner of tea-room, BBQ and buck's night conversation scenarios. Simply regurgitate any of my comments and you, too, will look like a f*cken NRL genius, winning the respect and admiration of your peers.

As for those who do follow sport, and the NRL in particular, here is a special insight into just why I hate all your f*cken teams so much. If you want to sook because I slagged off your f*cken team, don't leave a comment, just cry into your f*cken pillow instead.

Team: Brisbane Broncos henceforth Lachlan Murdoch's Bonkos

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Never f*cken once under the salary cap since they started. Coach is a miserable f*cken whiner, even when they win, and somehow tries to appear miffed with the club even though HE was the f*cken one stabbing them in the back and trying to engineer a move to the Sydney Chickens. Also, he SNUCK OUT A F*CKEN BACK DOOR at the airport, rather than man-up and face the music. And despite having almost an entire f*cken state to recruit talent from, the Bonkos still raid other clubs eg. stealing P.J.Marsh from the Electric Eels. Oh, and they wear f*cken maroon and yellow.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Yeah I remember you, Brad "Big Man Me" Thorn, scoring against the "Baby Eels" in the finals in 2000 - you got up and had a big few sledges to throw in against the kids didn't you, big man? Never mind the bunch of kids ran you close (16-10), you showed them didn't you big man, with your f*cken enormous testicles eh? F*ckwit.

But Thorn has pi$$ed off back to Roogbeh so f*ck him. So some dishonourable mentions to take his place in 2008:

• Justin "In-Goal Pass Is On" Hodges - why someone who f*cks up so much would have such a big f*cken sledging mouth is beyond me. Dip$hit of the highest order.
• KHunt - apart from a side-step that looks like he's having a f*cken fit, big f*cken woop.
• Joel "Pigtails" Clinton - possibly the biggest cat in league, ever - spends more time playing with his hair than, well, anything really. Sleeps with a cardboard cut-out of himself. "Men Of League" Calendar in his fridge is permanently open to his own month. However, well worth laughing at as he'll only ever be remembered for being splattered by Sonny-Bill's shoulder. Gold.
• Tonie "Australopithecus" Carroll - the ugliest human being that evolution has managed to create so far. Must have been born through his mother's ar$ehole. Possesses a jaw that could munch through 13 inches of brick. Apparently can represent New Zealand but still be a Queenslander. Talk about f*cked up QLD geography.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Darren Lockyer break his leg in 127 places attempting a field goal in Round 1 - by missing the ball and instead kicking Justin Hodges square in the f*cken head, killing him (after 3 weeks in agony in intensive care).
• Tonie Carroll correctly identify, on a map: #1 where he was born; #2 the state of QLD and #3 the country of New Zealand. And explain how two of the three CANNOT F*CKEN MATCH.
• Bonkos losing 27 times, including 157-0 loss to Eels.

Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - F*ck the f*cken f*ckers.