Team: St George Dragons (when they lose) Illawarra Steelers (when they play in scarlet, play at WIN Stadium, or win)Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:There is nothing but love in my heart for the Illawarra Steelers, hailing from country that God Lord H. Geezus Almighty Christ hisself have BLESSED, namely my home-town Wollongong and the Greater Illawarra region.On the other hand, f*ck the St George Dragons up the f*cken ar$e with a broken bottle.F*cken crybabys, your poor little f*cken decrepit, run-down $hit-hole at Kogarah might not be used for footy games. The reasons, of course, are apparent to everyone else who has more than 4 brain cells functioning in unison - its a F*CKEN $HITHOLE. The SUBURB is a $HITHOLE. The GROUND is a SHITHOLE. Your area contributes three thirds of F*CK ALL to the team. If it weren't for the Steelers, you f*cking pieces of $hit would be calling yourselves the Eastern Suburbs Rooster-Dragons, or even the Sutherland Dragon-Sharks by now - and your hackneyed, cliche, boring f*cken overly-precious little Red V would exist only in your coveted Johnny Raper Masturbatorium somewhere inside the Saints Leagues Club.Your 11 successive grand finals is NOT a f*cken world record, there are soccer teams in leagues around the world who have won more successive titles. But like all Saints fans, don't let the FACTS get in the way of your F*CKWITNESS.Like the following FACT for instance: your so-called "Taj Mahal" St George Leagues Club went from a $1.9 million profit into a $1.7 million dollar loss in ONE YEAR last year. And you f*cken peanuts want to talk about f*cking off Win Stadium in Wollongong? SORT YOUR OWN BACKYARD OUT, F*CKWITS. CEO Peter Doust's decision to cut costs means no senior feeder side for the Dragons in the NSWRL. Fine by Illawarra, which has not only the Carlton Illawarra League but ALSO the Group 7 competition running down there. So f*ck you, Kogarah, and f*ck your red V, too. Who needs you? Heard of Graeme Langlands? Illawarra boy. Craig Young? Illawarra boy, and his f*cken PUB isn't in f*cken KOGARAH, A$$HOLES, and his SON DIDN"T START IN THE F*CKEN ST GEORGE JUNIOR COMP EITHER. Bob Fulton? Illawarra. Steve Roach? Illawarra. Warren Ryan? Illawarra. We were contributing to rugby league without our own team for a long f*cken time, ar$eholes, when clubs like yours got the benefits without doing a f*cken thing in return. So f*ck you. We had no team, and kept the faith anyway. You poor little f*cktards lose a few home games and want to cry and go follow basketball instead. F*ck off. Go the Steelers, instead. Dean Schifilliti will NEVER DIE!Special F*ckwit Watch:- Mark "I Wasn't Even There, Except When I Was" Gasnier - When he's not seducing women with his silky-smooth phone-manner from the back of a cab, Gaz is usually threatening to go to rugby union to wring more money out of the NRL and Peter Doust. Or lying on a treatment table.
- Jason "Pillows" Ryles - makes Shane Watson look like the f*cken Iron Man from Planet Indestructible IV. Once dreamed about walking up some stairs; woke up with a torn heart muscle, period pain, an inverted colon, polio, an erection that wouldn't go down and dengue fever. Was out injured for 11 years.
- Any and all former St George players. Ever.
- Bob "Client Number 10" Millward - Here's the former Steelers boss who said NO to Superleague and sentenced the Steelers to 27 lifetimes of f*cken purgatory in his haste to frot Ken Arthurson. "No, no Superleague for us," said the monumental f*ckwit, "far better to die altogether and make Chov listen to the f*cking whining bleating of inane St George fans for ever after." Somewhere I hope Mr Millward is suffering from f*cken piles.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- Home-made sex tapes of Peter Doust and Nathan Brown come to light on the internet. Doust and Brown lock themselves into St George Leagues Club and a tense, 392-week hostage stand-off ensues. Finally, Doust agrees to call off the siege if 10,000 Dragons fans who aren't pu$$ies can be found - or else he will detonate 5000000000000kgs of explosives beneath the club and Kogarah Oval and all along Jubilee Ave. 3 fans turn up. 1 satisfies the criteria, but he lives in Finland. Kaboom.
- With the Dragons gone, the Illawarra Steelers return and win 2000 premierships in a row.
- Jason Ryles achieves a personal-best 12 minutes of injury-free time.
- Medical science discovers why the Morris twins are so f*cking ugly. The Pope insists the secret be buried for a million years.
Overall Hate Factor: (Dragons) = 15/10 , (Steelers) = None. I wear my old Steelers jersey to bed, dreaming of the days I wore the scarlet with pride. I love you Craig Walsh! I love you!
Team: South Sydney Rabbitohs. 100 years of F*ckwittery. What the f*ck is a "rabbitoh"? The genetic freak result of a 'sexy' (and unholy) union between George Piggins and a rabbit? A rabbit who says "sorry"? A rabbit everyone claims to be a "fan" of, but nobody goes to f*cken watch? What?Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality:Oh I have been waiting for this for some time. Where to start?F*ck you Souths, you f*cken pi$$-stain on the wall beside the urinal. F*ck you, indeed.You were good in the '60s or something. So was giving expectant mothers lithium. Get the F*CK OVER IT. It gives you no divine right to F*CKEN ANYTHING in the modern age. For every f*cking obnoxious turd who rallied to get you back into the comp, ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE STAYED THE F*CK HOME. No, not everyone loves you! Not everyone is glad you're back! Some people f*cken hate you with a f*cken passion you can only dream about in your pi$$ant little f*cken fairy-floss and pink butterflies "Book of Feuds" - and I AM THEIR F*CKEN KING.No, Rusty Crowe, you f*ckwit, we don't all think that league goes well when Souths goes well. Your team has been an insignificant wart in the ar$e-crack of rugby league for 30 odd years, and rugby league has been F*CKING FANTASTIC during that time. Giving out Souths jerseys to every f*cken Hollywood celeb you suck-off through a glory-hole in The Viper Room SETS RUGBY LEAGUE'S INTERNATIONAL GROWTH POTENTIAL BACK FOUR THOUSAND YEARS.So Ray Martin is a fan? Woop de f*cken doo dah. Ray also thinks David Hicks was just separated from his "Kon Tiki Taliban" tour after pausing to help little Afghani children pick wild chocolate in the fields.Newsflash Souths: scraping into the finals last season and going ONE AND DONE is NOT f*cken cause to start tipping a grand final within the next 12 months. Scooping up turds off your training field before training doesn't mean your "facilities are world class". Wearing jersey sponsors that are just Rusty Crowe movies is F*CKING STUPID. The Charity Shield really DOES MEAN F*CK ALL. George Piggins is a F*CKING PRAT. A turd in an Armani suit is STILL A TURD.Special F*ckwit Watch:- Russell "It's For You, Answer It With Your Forehead" Crowe - take the amount of love you have for Souths, cube it, double it, square it again - that's how much HATE I have for them. Take your fairy, jessy, wimpy Little Golden Book of Feuds and shove it into your turd-tunnel and then sit back and read my NRL Preview to understand what it means to HATE.
- David "If You Kids Don't Stop F*cking Around I'll Put My Foot Up Your Ar$e" Kidwell - and he did. And he hurt his knee and missed the rest of the season. I laughed. It couldn't have happened to an uglier man.
- Nathan "Why Don't I Get Picked For NSW" Merritt - because you are pi$$weak. And $hit. So shut the f*ck up, nobody outside of Rusty Crowe's man-harem cares.
- Jeremy "Wrong Option, Every Time" Smith - Souths best signing, because it took him away from Parramatta.
- Nigel "No, It's Not Pronounced That Way" Vagana - you're not the mysterious Fu Manchu. You're just a f*ckwit with a stupid hairstyle and a stupid beard.
- Dean "Bryan Fletcher Just Thinks I Have A Year Round Tan" Widders - good bench player at Parra, got delusions of grandeur and thought he was fit enough to make an impact for 80 minutes. I laughed.
- Craig "Pretty Boy" Wing - Posed in a Souths jersey before actually leaving the Chickens. Mouthed off at everybody at the Chickens from the CEO to the kid who peels the oranges. Mouthed off at everybody who likes the Chickens. Mouthed off at anybody who likes anyone who likes the Chickens. Tried to blow up a Steggles truck. And then sooked for Mummy when the Chickens said they were going to "get him". F*ck you Craig Wing, you f*cken lamby-pamby $hit-squirt.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- A petition signed by 3 billion people is presented to David Gallop and the United Nations to eradicate South Sydney from existence. Within hours, armed death squads have hit the streets with orders to shoot on sight. Within weeks of their completing their task, a cure is found for cancer, peace is achieved in the Middle East, Tooheys' research & development division creates 13 new flavours of beer (including one called Tooheys 'Sex with Natalie Bassingthwaite'), petrol is $0.05 a litre and women all over the entire planet elect to live topless, forever after.
- Also, Rusty Crowe makes a movie in which he portrays Muhammad founding South Sydney in 3000 B.C. He is nominated for an Academy Award and loses to the guy who played Screech in Saved By The Bell. Meanwhile, rabid Islamic fundamentalists all over the world issue a fatwah on Rusty's a$$. He is forced to sell up his stake in Souths and live as a hermit, NEVER F*CKEN OPENING HIS MOUTH AGAIN.
- And the Eels beat Souths 224 to nil and 843 to nil.
- Nathan Merritt accidentally runs into a tackle bag at training. He breaks 112 bones and is out for 4 years.
- Craig Wing gets pregnant.
Overall Hate Factor: 7,212/10 - Altogether now...."F*ck You, F*ck You To South Sydney!"
Team: Cronulla Sharks. Foreigners welcome. From the Cronulla Tourist Bureau's latest pamphlet (free with every "So you've decided to illegally migrate to Australia" Welcoming Pack) .....: "Enjoy quintessential Australia in this idyllic little sea-side village, where the locals are always more than happy to share with you the secrets of quaint local customs. Join in the "Keep Ostraya F*cken Ostrayn" celebrations on Australia Day, and help locals re-enact the famous ANZAC landing on the beaches at Kurnell. Shire Motto: "Islam-Free Since 2005!"Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well here's a turn-up for the books, I actually don't feel any hate whatsoever for coach Ricky Stuart.That noise I heard was like a large disturbance in the force - almost as though thousands of readers gasped out in shock, and then fell suddenly silent....No, it's true. I think he is about the only person associated with rugby league who hates everyone else associated with rugby league with ALMOST the same intensity that I do. I say ALMOST because Ricky still has to be politically correct, with his position as coach and all. Whereas Chov f*cken calls it as he sees it. But that's not Ricky's fault.Still, he pu$$ied out on the whole Brett Kimmorley thing. He called him $hit, then became his club coach and kissed and made up. Jessy.But, you know, f*ck the Sharks and all that. Why does every f*cken tosser who mentions this team INSIST on calling them the "Sharkies"?? Every time I hear it, 15 different blood vessels in my eye-ball throb and nearly explode in rage. I want to smash through my TV screen and smash Laurie Daley's face into the desk about eighteen thousand times whenever he says it.You stop calling them "Sharkies" when you turn, oh, the age of FOUR, f*ckwits. And even THEN, it's only if you're actually a Sharks FAN.Special F*ckwit Watch:See it's too obvious to say Paul "The Amazing Human Bonehead - see him move! see him SPEAK! Is he REAL?" Gallen. Yeah, he's a tosser, even his own Mum probably told him to f*ck off on Mother's Day and swung a left hook at him on the way out. But he's really more in the category of "wankers to ignore" - like tools who pump out R&B $hit on their car stereos at high volume. Shake your head, then forget them as they pass out of earshot (13 kilometres away).No, we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid. He can't help himself, it's like a f*cken chromosomal thing - or like one of those wind-up cars that keeps smashing into a wall and then spinning around and zooming off until it smashed into another wall. He's like the result of Nazi scientists in the last days of the war, in their secret Bunker lab, racing to perfect the human-f*ckwit-automaton. And bless him, bless him I say, because he will give me plenty of material all year long.What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- The lame moron (think: advertising executive, on their mobile, driving convertible BMW, balding on top, pony-tail at back) who came up with the brilliantly f*ckwitted idea to play the "Jaws" theme music whenever the Sharks get into the 20 metre zone gets attached to a 700000 volt generator by the perineum - every time the music starts I push the RED button. How "clever" and "quirky" does the f*cken idea sound now, dip$hit?
- The Sharks lose to the Eels by 18,000 points. No need for f*cken "golden-point" extra time now, huh, f*ckers?
- Lance "Bloodnuts Should Be Drowned At Birth" Thompson, whilst drinking heavily post-game, gets into a disagreement with a fan about whether he had made twenty-SEVEN or twenty-EIGHT tackles in the second half, and punches the living $hit out of them as a succinct closing argument. Wakes up 2 days later to discover it was his mum.
- With 1 min to go and tied 12-all with the Bondi Chickens, Ricky Stuart gets so f*cken angry that he runs down from the coach's box, throws on a Sharks t-shirt and some thongs, steers the Sharks 85 metres downfield and slots a field-goal from right in front, backwards through his legs, with his ERECT C*CK, wins the game, tells Brett Kimmorley "THAT'S HOW YOU F*CKEN DO IT PEANUT", runs to the car-park, takes a foot-long $hit right on top of Nick Politis's Ford Ranger, tells a 7 year old autograph-hunter in a Tigers cap to "f*ck off idiot, if you can't even get the team right i'm too f*cken busy", pauses to leave an obscene phone message on Wayne Bennett's answering machine for the 11th time that day, and then receives a new personal-best NRL-record fine in the post-match press conference for calling Shayne Hayne a "f*cking cheating incompetent, dog's-a$$-raping, motherf*cking f*ckturd" 18 times (including writing it on a whiteboard for assembled journalists. Steve Mascord still doesn't get it).
- Either that or all Lebanon's group matches in the Rugby League World Cup are scheduled for Henson/Toyota/Shark Park.
Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - f*ck you Sharks, and Mark McGaw was a $hit "Gladiator" too.
Team: Penriff Panffers Rulz Roight (pronounced in true Nepean dialect)Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: I grew up looking at this team playing in white jerseys that looked as though someone had wiped their ar$e with them, leaving a giant turd-brown stain across the top. Then along came Mark Geyer. The rest is Hatred History.Special F*ckwit Watch: To coach Matthew Elliott, a snivelling skidmark on the underpants of mankind, a very special "f*ck you" from the bottom of my anus. Oh, sure, I had some time for this bloke when he was coaching the Ragedrs - he seemed decent, lucid - even thoughtful. But now I see that was a clever disguise, which only served to mask the giant throbbing A$$HOLE beneath.What was it this turd-sandwich said after leaving the Ragedrs to coach Penriff? Something about "well, now watch me REALLY coach, now that I have some GOOD PLAYERS instead of f*cken TURNIPS".Even if it was true, you don't have to say it, ar$ehole. Just go out and f*cken dazzle us with your f*cken brilliance, why don't ya? Look out NRL Premiership, here comes "Supercoach" Elliott and his uber-talented Panffers!!Except you must not have anticipated the part, while you were wanking to this fantasy on the crapper, where you FINISHED AT THE SPHINCTER-HOLE END OF THE TABLE.Bravo, f*ckwit, bravo.What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- Panffers finish ar$ehole-first in 16th position, with two 423 to nil losses to the Eels.
- Special bonus losses! - "Supercoach" Elliott beaten by the Ragedrs. Every. Single. F*cken. Time. For the next 2 million years.
- For just one single F*CKEN YEAR, Channel 9 do NOT f*cken show that f*cken boring cliche footage of Mark "Pussy" Geyer being barge-ar$ed around by Wally Lewis in the pouring rain, Origin '91. Memo: Mark Geyer - you had your f*cken chance, big man, to smash the living $hit out of Lewis, and bring forward his CT scans about 14 years, and you F*CKEN BLEW IT. You F*CKEN FAIRY. So sit down, shut the F*CK UP and stop pretending to be some sort of F*CKEN HARD MAN. Dip$hit.
- Greg "Has My Voice Broken Yet?" Alexander correctly identifies a tactical nuance in a game of rugby league. Greg, I understand what a "play the ball" is. Trust me. But, f*ck, THANK YOU for pointing out, time after time after time, that a kick from within the 40 that goes out inside the 20 is a....wait for it...."40-20". Ye gods. I just realised without Laurie "The Boston Language-Mangler" Daley on Foxtel, I'll have to listen to more of this ex-Penriff peanut.
- Phil "The Love" Gould actually goes the whole hog and starts ma$turbating live on air when Channel 9 are covering the Panffers, dropping the f*cken pretence once and for all. Memo: Panffers and Phil Gould - get a F*CKEN ROOM ALREADY.
Overall Hate Factor: 17/10 - F*ck you Penriff, and kiss my nuts "Supercoach" - better luck next year, coaching the Leonay under 7s. Maybe they have the "cattle" for you, peanut.
Team: Newcastle Knights, also known as "The Brian Smith Experiment v2.0"Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well, see, mostly I laughed. And laughed. And then I laughed. Oh how I laughed.I laughed because Newcastle hired on Brain Smith (not a typo), finally ending this Eel fan's purgatory (and starting a new era, but that's another preview). That was funny, but it got funnier.It got funnier when the Newcastle fans were surprised to learn that Brain Smith, in fact, is a f*ckwit, and he wasn't somehow transformed into a genius on his way up the highway. I mean, in the Church of F*ckwitology, Brain Smith is like the f*cken equivalent of Tom Cruise. He's like up to the f*cken 11th level, where he has his own f*cken spaceship in the volcano, and is interpreting early messages from the aliens that explain the secrets of virtual f*ckwitociousness. THAT'S how f*ckwit he is.And I can't f*cken stand any of their fans, the ones who really f*cken thought that Andrew Johns interview with Phil Gould was "riveting television". And all the f*cken pin-heads who thought JARROD MULLEN was a superstar after THREE MINUTES OF FIRST GRADE. F*ck you all, Knights fans, and your so-called f*cken "passionate support" - the reason you can catch 56 buses down to Sydney for finals games is because THEY SHUT THE PUBS and none of you HAVE F*CKEN JOBS.Special F*ckwit Watch:Obviously Brain Smith is going to push hard each and every week for my special NRL F*ckwit of the Week Award (watch out for that one), but here are some other wet-farts in an elevator:- Adam "Mars Bar" MacDougall - the highlight of his career was stomping on Geoff Toovey's face in the '97 Grand Final. Sadly he undid this good work by offering up the lamest (or funniest) excuse for failing a drug-test ever - ingesting a Mars Bar before hand. What. The. F*ck?
- Jarrod "The Next Joey Johns #327" Mullen - probably not his fault, but f*ck me was I the only person in the WORLD who did NOT jump on this dip$hit's bandwagon during State of Origin last year? He's a peanut. He's played 36 seconds. And you f*ckwits think he's the next Immortal. Puh-lease.
- Wes "Make The Man Some F*cken Iggs" Naiqama - I think he can get his driver's licence back some time in the year 8040 A.D.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- Brain Smith greeted in the car park by a mob of "passionate Newcastle fans" after the Knights lose 814 to nil to the Eels - bearing burning torches and pitchforks. "Burn The Witch!" they cry....
- Jarrod Mullen picks up the slack with Joey's "dealer" and starts sniffing Clag and Liquid Paper that has not been diluted in the suggested quantities.
- Danny Buderus actually plays up to his reputation, especially during State of Origin.
Overall Hate Factor: 12/10 - Get f*cked Newcastle. Even BHP got tired of you and f*cked off.
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