Team: Cronulla Sharks. Foreigners welcome. From the Cronulla Tourist Bureau's latest pamphlet (free with every "So you've decided to illegally migrate to Australia" Welcoming Pack) .....: "Enjoy quintessential Australia in this idyllic little sea-side village, where the locals are always more than happy to share with you the secrets of quaint local customs. Join in the "Keep Ostraya F*cken Ostrayn" celebrations on Australia Day, and help locals re-enact the famous ANZAC landing on the beaches at Kurnell. Shire Motto: "Islam-Free Since 2005!"Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well here's a turn-up for the books, I actually don't feel any hate whatsoever for coach Ricky Stuart.That noise I heard was like a large disturbance in the force - almost as though thousands of readers gasped out in shock, and then fell suddenly silent....No, it's true. I think he is about the only person associated with rugby league who hates everyone else associated with rugby league with ALMOST the same intensity that I do. I say ALMOST because Ricky still has to be politically correct, with his position as coach and all. Whereas Chov f*cken calls it as he sees it. But that's not Ricky's fault.Still, he pu$$ied out on the whole Brett Kimmorley thing. He called him $hit, then became his club coach and kissed and made up. Jessy.But, you know, f*ck the Sharks and all that. Why does every f*cken tosser who mentions this team INSIST on calling them the "Sharkies"?? Every time I hear it, 15 different blood vessels in my eye-ball throb and nearly explode in rage. I want to smash through my TV screen and smash Laurie Daley's face into the desk about eighteen thousand times whenever he says it.You stop calling them "Sharkies" when you turn, oh, the age of FOUR, f*ckwits. And even THEN, it's only if you're actually a Sharks FAN.Special F*ckwit Watch:See it's too obvious to say Paul "The Amazing Human Bonehead - see him move! see him SPEAK! Is he REAL?" Gallen. Yeah, he's a tosser, even his own Mum probably told him to f*ck off on Mother's Day and swung a left hook at him on the way out. But he's really more in the category of "wankers to ignore" - like tools who pump out R&B $hit on their car stereos at high volume. Shake your head, then forget them as they pass out of earshot (13 kilometres away).No, we all know it's only a matter of time before Greg "Knee, this is Head; Head, meet Knee" Bird does something f*ck-slappingly stupid. He can't help himself, it's like a f*cken chromosomal thing - or like one of those wind-up cars that keeps smashing into a wall and then spinning around and zooming off until it smashed into another wall. He's like the result of Nazi scientists in the last days of the war, in their secret Bunker lab, racing to perfect the human-f*ckwit-automaton. And bless him, bless him I say, because he will give me plenty of material all year long.What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- The lame moron (think: advertising executive, on their mobile, driving convertible BMW, balding on top, pony-tail at back) who came up with the brilliantly f*ckwitted idea to play the "Jaws" theme music whenever the Sharks get into the 20 metre zone gets attached to a 700000 volt generator by the perineum - every time the music starts I push the RED button. How "clever" and "quirky" does the f*cken idea sound now, dip$hit?
- The Sharks lose to the Eels by 18,000 points. No need for f*cken "golden-point" extra time now, huh, f*ckers?
- Lance "Bloodnuts Should Be Drowned At Birth" Thompson, whilst drinking heavily post-game, gets into a disagreement with a fan about whether he had made twenty-SEVEN or twenty-EIGHT tackles in the second half, and punches the living $hit out of them as a succinct closing argument. Wakes up 2 days later to discover it was his mum.
- With 1 min to go and tied 12-all with the Bondi Chickens, Ricky Stuart gets so f*cken angry that he runs down from the coach's box, throws on a Sharks t-shirt and some thongs, steers the Sharks 85 metres downfield and slots a field-goal from right in front, backwards through his legs, with his ERECT C*CK, wins the game, tells Brett Kimmorley "THAT'S HOW YOU F*CKEN DO IT PEANUT", runs to the car-park, takes a foot-long $hit right on top of Nick Politis's Ford Ranger, tells a 7 year old autograph-hunter in a Tigers cap to "f*ck off idiot, if you can't even get the team right i'm too f*cken busy", pauses to leave an obscene phone message on Wayne Bennett's answering machine for the 11th time that day, and then receives a new personal-best NRL-record fine in the post-match press conference for calling Shayne Hayne a "f*cking cheating incompetent, dog's-a$$-raping, motherf*cking f*ckturd" 18 times (including writing it on a whiteboard for assembled journalists. Steve Mascord still doesn't get it).
- Either that or all Lebanon's group matches in the Rugby League World Cup are scheduled for Henson/Toyota/Shark Park.
Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - f*ck you Sharks, and Mark McGaw was a $hit "Gladiator" too.
Team: Penriff Panffers Rulz Roight (pronounced in true Nepean dialect)Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: I grew up looking at this team playing in white jerseys that looked as though someone had wiped their ar$e with them, leaving a giant turd-brown stain across the top. Then along came Mark Geyer. The rest is Hatred History.Special F*ckwit Watch: To coach Matthew Elliott, a snivelling skidmark on the underpants of mankind, a very special "f*ck you" from the bottom of my anus. Oh, sure, I had some time for this bloke when he was coaching the Ragedrs - he seemed decent, lucid - even thoughtful. But now I see that was a clever disguise, which only served to mask the giant throbbing A$$HOLE beneath.What was it this turd-sandwich said after leaving the Ragedrs to coach Penriff? Something about "well, now watch me REALLY coach, now that I have some GOOD PLAYERS instead of f*cken TURNIPS".Even if it was true, you don't have to say it, ar$ehole. Just go out and f*cken dazzle us with your f*cken brilliance, why don't ya? Look out NRL Premiership, here comes "Supercoach" Elliott and his uber-talented Panffers!!Except you must not have anticipated the part, while you were wanking to this fantasy on the crapper, where you FINISHED AT THE SPHINCTER-HOLE END OF THE TABLE.Bravo, f*ckwit, bravo.What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- Panffers finish ar$ehole-first in 16th position, with two 423 to nil losses to the Eels.
- Special bonus losses! - "Supercoach" Elliott beaten by the Ragedrs. Every. Single. F*cken. Time. For the next 2 million years.
- For just one single F*CKEN YEAR, Channel 9 do NOT f*cken show that f*cken boring cliche footage of Mark "Pussy" Geyer being barge-ar$ed around by Wally Lewis in the pouring rain, Origin '91. Memo: Mark Geyer - you had your f*cken chance, big man, to smash the living $hit out of Lewis, and bring forward his CT scans about 14 years, and you F*CKEN BLEW IT. You F*CKEN FAIRY. So sit down, shut the F*CK UP and stop pretending to be some sort of F*CKEN HARD MAN. Dip$hit.
- Greg "Has My Voice Broken Yet?" Alexander correctly identifies a tactical nuance in a game of rugby league. Greg, I understand what a "play the ball" is. Trust me. But, f*ck, THANK YOU for pointing out, time after time after time, that a kick from within the 40 that goes out inside the 20 is a....wait for it...."40-20". Ye gods. I just realised without Laurie "The Boston Language-Mangler" Daley on Foxtel, I'll have to listen to more of this ex-Penriff peanut.
- Phil "The Love" Gould actually goes the whole hog and starts ma$turbating live on air when Channel 9 are covering the Panffers, dropping the f*cken pretence once and for all. Memo: Panffers and Phil Gould - get a F*CKEN ROOM ALREADY.
Overall Hate Factor: 17/10 - F*ck you Penriff, and kiss my nuts "Supercoach" - better luck next year, coaching the Leonay under 7s. Maybe they have the "cattle" for you, peanut.
Team: Newcastle Knights, also known as "The Brian Smith Experiment v2.0"Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well, see, mostly I laughed. And laughed. And then I laughed. Oh how I laughed.I laughed because Newcastle hired on Brain Smith (not a typo), finally ending this Eel fan's purgatory (and starting a new era, but that's another preview). That was funny, but it got funnier.It got funnier when the Newcastle fans were surprised to learn that Brain Smith, in fact, is a f*ckwit, and he wasn't somehow transformed into a genius on his way up the highway. I mean, in the Church of F*ckwitology, Brain Smith is like the f*cken equivalent of Tom Cruise. He's like up to the f*cken 11th level, where he has his own f*cken spaceship in the volcano, and is interpreting early messages from the aliens that explain the secrets of virtual f*ckwitociousness. THAT'S how f*ckwit he is.And I can't f*cken stand any of their fans, the ones who really f*cken thought that Andrew Johns interview with Phil Gould was "riveting television". And all the f*cken pin-heads who thought JARROD MULLEN was a superstar after THREE MINUTES OF FIRST GRADE. F*ck you all, Knights fans, and your so-called f*cken "passionate support" - the reason you can catch 56 buses down to Sydney for finals games is because THEY SHUT THE PUBS and none of you HAVE F*CKEN JOBS.Special F*ckwit Watch:Obviously Brain Smith is going to push hard each and every week for my special NRL F*ckwit of the Week Award (watch out for that one), but here are some other wet-farts in an elevator:- Adam "Mars Bar" MacDougall - the highlight of his career was stomping on Geoff Toovey's face in the '97 Grand Final. Sadly he undid this good work by offering up the lamest (or funniest) excuse for failing a drug-test ever - ingesting a Mars Bar before hand. What. The. F*ck?
- Jarrod "The Next Joey Johns #327" Mullen - probably not his fault, but f*ck me was I the only person in the WORLD who did NOT jump on this dip$hit's bandwagon during State of Origin last year? He's a peanut. He's played 36 seconds. And you f*ckwits think he's the next Immortal. Puh-lease.
- Wes "Make The Man Some F*cken Iggs" Naiqama - I think he can get his driver's licence back some time in the year 8040 A.D.
What I'd Like To See Happen In 2008:- Brain Smith greeted in the car park by a mob of "passionate Newcastle fans" after the Knights lose 814 to nil to the Eels - bearing burning torches and pitchforks. "Burn The Witch!" they cry....
- Jarrod Mullen picks up the slack with Joey's "dealer" and starts sniffing Clag and Liquid Paper that has not been diluted in the suggested quantities.
- Danny Buderus actually plays up to his reputation, especially during State of Origin.
Overall Hate Factor: 12/10 - Get f*cked Newcastle. Even BHP got tired of you and f*cked off.
Team: Man-love-ly Sea EaglesWhy I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: See, I'm old-school. When Manly were $hit a couple of years ago, and some f*cktard appeared on my television screen saying something colon-explodingly stupid like "people don't hate Manly as much any more" I wanted to teleport to his location so I could F*CKING KUNG-FU KICK HIS F*CKING APPENDIX OUT THROUGH HIS PI$$-HOLE.I. HATE. MANLY. What a f*cken ironic name. They're anything BUT.Special F*ckwit Watch:Oh, I have a special little warm place in my colon, filled with quietly $hit-bubbling hate, for Jamie "Queenscliff Is Too 'The Bush'!" Lyon.Because while thousands forget, I F*CKEN REMEMBER.*I* f*cken remember how poor widdle Jamie couldn't handle them folk in the big city, it was all too busy and scary in the big smoke, and Country-Bumpkin Jamie needed to get back to wide open spaces where you can f*ck a sheep in the back paddock in broad daylight and wave to Farmer Jones when he toots on his way past in the truck, and you don't even have to wipe your d1ck before coming in for dinner. So poor widdle Jamie ran away from the Eels, so far far far away into the country so they could never find him, because he went SO FAR INTO THE COUNTRY that he discovered a tiny little country hamlet just over THE F*CKEN SPIT BRIDGE.About the only thing I could smile about while watching the Melbourne Scum win the Grand Final last year was the supreme tingle of satisfaction I had in my anus, knowing this little f*ck-stain didn't win. Even his own fans voted him "most over-rated". And that was probably at f*cken Wee-Waa.And here's a selection of other tossers I'd like to have in a room when I toss a $hitbag into the fan:- Brent Kite - A mate of mine once took 17 minutes to drop a turd that was about 1 and a half feet long. It had more footballing ability than Brent Kite.
- Steve Menzies - has spent a career being called a "second-rower" when his actual position is "laze around 1 man in from the f*cken sideline, catch the last pass and fall over the try-line". F*ck off Steve Menzies. What do you need head-gear for, there's more chance of the f*cken boy in the bubble making heavy contact than you.
- Every single Manly forward - F*ck you all, you f*cking bunch of girlish jessys. It's YOUR fault the Melbourne Scum are champions, and in case you can't tell, I DON'T FORGIVE. So F*CK YOU. F*cking chicken-$hits. F*ck off.
- Geoff Toovey - even as a f*cken TRAINER running on and off the field he has a wonderful head you could just smash with a f*cken cricket bat ALL DAY LONG and NEVER get tired of it.
What I'd Love To See In 2008:- Manly lose every single game, including two 175 nil losses to the Eels, one of them being Steve Menzie's farewell to Brookvale game.
- It rains* on Steve Menzie's farewell to Brookvale lap of honour.
- (*Rains hailstones the size of Volkswagens.)
- Matt Orford goes for a 40-20 and succeeds in kicking the entire Steeden right up Glenn Stewart's ar$ehole, putting him out for the season. Fifteen operations later, they still can't remove the ball. But they find a f*cken platypus, an espresso-maker and an LCD PC monitor up there as well.
- Luke Williamson gets a f*cken HAIRCUT.
- The Daily Telegraph runs a story about a Manly player, and DOESN'T INCLUDE A F*CKEN PICTURE OF THEM WITH A SURFBOARD. It CAN BE DONE.
Hate Factor: 13/10 - old school, baby, old school. Which means f*ck you Phil Blake. And f*ck you Wormald, whatever the f*ck you even are.
Team: North Queensland CowpatsWhy I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: - They have jerseys that look like Bozo The Clown took a splattery $hit on a white t-shirt.
- I'm sick to f*cken death of hearing about how "great the support is up here", get the f*ck over it.
- For the most part, originally, they were pretty harmless, but then some pompous f*cktard had to go and get f*cken delusions of grandeur up there and start spouting off that the Cowpats were "everyone's second favourite team" or some such similar rubbish. See, everything goes ok until some F*CKWIT opens his MORON-HOLE doesn't it? You are NOT my second, third, fourth or even 900000000000000000000000000000000056th favourite team, DIP$HITS - you're just a pack of inbred hicks from up north who cheer on a rapist because he can kick a footy reasonably well. So F*CK YOU.
- They're a real loyal f*cken bunch. Ask Graham Murray.
Special F*ckwit Watch: Oh, Carl Webb, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways....Carl Webb is the f*cken most f*cken over-rated "hard" man in world sport. Galactic sport, even. Here's a little known stat - Carl Webb makes one effective run for every 9 thousand million attempts. But when he does, his bring-Ray-Warren-to-orgasm conversion ratio is 100%. So somehow this lumbering f*cken buffoon has a reputation as some SCARY (eeek!) hard man. F*ck off. Kiss my nuts, Carl Webb. Your entire career is summed up in the term "f*ck all".Also not worth pi$$ing on if they are on fire:- Jon "She Was Like That When I Got Here" Thurston - knows how to treat a lady.
- Matt "Run Like You've Got A DVD Player Under Your Arm!" Bowen - oh f*ck off already with all this $hit about how good he is. Whatever happened to TACKLING?
- Luke "Mummy Kiss Ums Better" O'Donnell - is bringing a note from his Mummy with him to every single game from now on that tells all the other boys not to tackle little Lukey-wookles too hard. F*cken fairy. Have a couple of swigs of this new drink "TOUGHENTHEF*CKUP" and shut up.
What I'd Love To See In 2008:- Jon "I Was A Teenage Rapist" Thurston raped by a pack of big black feral Alsatians, who are never punished and instead transfer interstate to other holiday kennels, where they are feted and nobody ever mentions "the unpleasantness" again.
- The Cowpats get a crowd of 25,000 in the middle of CYCLONE F*CKEN CECIL, finally giving the f*cken mongo Gorden Tallis a LEGITIMATE F*CKEN REASON to say, for the 100000000000000000000th time, that "...they really love their footy up here."
- The Cowpats wear a$$less chaps to honour former forward Ian Robert's birthday.
Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - Just f*ck off, cowgirls.
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