Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #3: Canberra Ragedrs

Team: Canberra Ragedrs - (name courtesy of El Maco Pudendo Magnifico, ruthlessly mauling his phone's predictive-text key-pad to send me a late, drunken SMS. Comedy gold.)

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Well I live here and have to endure tacky f*cken promotions like GREEN MILK every year because the Ragedrs wear the single most SICKENING colour to ever stain a sporting field - LIME GREEN. Plus most Ragedrs "fans" $hit me to tears because they all f*cked off to watch the Brumbies at the first opportunity anyway, but still call themselves "hard-core" because they turn up to watch 1 Ragedrs game a year on a "brisk" Sunday afternoon. And then leave 25 minutes early to beat traffic. Finally, this bunch of f*cken ar$ey wankers always seem to manage to jag a f*cken late, come-from-behind win over the Eels, but wet their f*cken pi$$y green panties one week later to lose to the Melbourne Scum by 30.

But mostly, it's because Turd Carney plays for them.

NB: Although I have bagged out the Ragedrs for the purposes of comedy and this f*cken stupid Blog, I reserve the right to close ranks on any and all Sydney-based media who try to do the same. F*ck you, I'm GLAD you don't like Canberra, otherwise you'd all f*cken MOVE HERE and turn this place into a $hithole like YOUR city.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Well say hello to the one and only Turd "I'm Right To Drive" Carney, a truly special little $hit-splat on the ar$e-cheeks of humanity. You remember Turd, right? Turd narrowly missed out on the opportunity to experience "prison-romance" up close with his host, Larry The Biker, because an ACT Magistrate (Motto: "Every third offence free!") reviewed the following events, and, I $hit you not, deemed them worthy of (actual punishment, not $hit I just made up) a $500 fine and $107 court costs (oh, and some community service):

1. Turd got drunk
2. Turd drove himself and his drunk mate in his car
3. Turd sped very fast
4. Local constabulary observed Turd speeding
5. Turd "forgot" that wailing sirens and flashing lights on pursuing cop-cars aren't just a "friendly reminder" to stop or slow-down.
7. Turd "forgot" that having a current driver's licence isn't actually just "suggested best practice" for ACT motorists.
8. Turd also "forgot" that he did this just 3 months ago, which is why his driver's licence was the victim of a ceremonial burning by the ACT Dept of Urban Services.
9. Turd ditched his car, and his drunk mate, and ran away through the bush faster than a French soldier who smells sauerkraut.
10. In time honoured Aussie tradition, Turd got caught and attempted to get out of trouble by selling his mate UP THE F*CKEN RIVER.

Now, of course, because the kid can play footy his club didn't kick him out. Although his mate, who was $hit, got $hit-canned faster than Artie Beetson finishes a KFC Family Pack. But you would think that the kid ought to get into Ragedrs HQ really early every morning, just so he can spend that first 45 minutes KISSING THE F*CKEN BALL-SACK of the Ragedrs CEO, wouldn't you?

WRONG AGAIN DIP$HITS!

Turd is showing his loyalty to the club what discovered him by WAVING HIS C*CK IN THEIR FACE for a few weeks while he gets a new fountain pen custom-made with which to sign a new contract with another club. At the VERY FIRST F*CKEN OPPORTUNITY of contract expiry.

F*ck you, Turd. F*ck you very much.

Also a special mention to former Ragedr Laurie Daley, who, THANK THE LORD CHRIST H. GEEZUS HISSELF, is now gone from Foxtel so I pretty much never have to listen to him again. His contribution to "insightful commentary" is akin to what Catholic priests contribute to "responsible child-minding".

Oh, and Colin Best, who is just such a fairy I can't help but laugh.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Chov sledges Turd Carney so much, and for so long, Carney attempts to jump the fence and fight him in Round 3, thereby spawning enough material for roughly 8,000 posts to this blog.
• The Ragedrs avoid the wooden spoon, yet again, just so that all the f*ckwits who write for the Daily Telegraph as so-called "experts" look like f*ckwits AGAIN.
• That, just for f*cken ONCE, I can go to the footy with my favourite peep Maca "Rough Sex" McDonald and watch my beloved EELS smash 13 different colours of $hit out of his Ragedrs. And laugh at him in the car ALL THE WAY HOME. For ONCE. And I'm not greedy, just one 312 to nil Eels win would be all I'd need.

Overall Hate Factor: 10/10 - Turd Carney accounts for 9 of these points on his own.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #2: C*nterbury Bullwogs

Team: C*nterbury Bullwogs

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: So many reasons, so little time. I mean, just to whip out a couple - the blatant and unrepentant salary-cap cheating, the pack-rapes their players engage in and their scum-of-the-f*cken-earth "fans", what's not to love about hating this slimy bunch of putrid filth staining the earth? There's something in this turd-stain of a club for everyone in the whole family to hate!

Special F*ckwit Watch: Well, you'll have to wait for another club's preview to get me started on Willie "Mr A.D.D" Mason, alas. But never fear, with this all-star line-up of F*CKWITS to hate instead:

• Willie "I'm Next" Tonga: Willie lists "X-Box" and "Stamp-collecting" as his hobbies. Also "waiting in line to pack rape women at Central Coast motels".
• Matt "Meat Sack" Utai: The result of a scientific experiment to jam 7 human beings into a single 4 foot tall body. They couldn't find any room for the brains.
• Hazchem El MajorDick - couldn't tackle his way out of a wet paper bag, wears undershorts for no reason, C*nterbury fans love him, token ethnic minority.
• Reni Manure - so you're a f*cken "Bra Boy" and you're f*cken "Bra-Boy" tough huh? F*cken puh-lease. Join the SAS then, f*cken heroes.
• Chris Armpit, Andrew "The Human Eyebrow" Ryan, Justin Tsoulos - f*cken JUDAS TRIO.
• 10,000 C*nterbury fans - every f*cken single f*cken week.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• An A380 Airbus crashes into the ground at the C*nterbury vs Melbourne Scum game, destroying the entire coaching and playing staffs of both clubs, and up to 30,000 of their fans as a special bonus. (The plane is also full of C*nterbury and Melbourne Scum fans, and piloted by John Ribot).
• More crowd trouble at a C*nterbury game, however the flares they set off set fire to the entire Bullwog Army. NRL bans the club from all competition for 812 years anyway.
• Sonny-Bill injured for 25 of 26 rounds. And suspended for the other. Actually, this might well happen.
• C*nterbury losing 27 times, including a credibility-destroying 6,228 - nil loss to Eels.

Overall Hate Factor: 15/10 - F*ck the f*cken f*ckers.

Chov's F*cktacular NRL 2008 Preview #1: Brisbane Bonkos

Today we begin Chov's in-depth look at the upcoming NRL season, which I'm spreading over a couple of days because it will waste more work-time that way.

Now, there are readers of this f*cken moronic blog who don't really follow sport. Fear not! All you have to do is read my special F*cktacular NRL Season Preview and you will be armed for all manner of tea-room, BBQ and buck's night conversation scenarios. Simply regurgitate any of my comments and you, too, will look like a f*cken NRL genius, winning the respect and admiration of your peers.

As for those who do follow sport, and the NRL in particular, here is a special insight into just why I hate all your f*cken teams so much. If you want to sook because I slagged off your f*cken team, don't leave a comment, just cry into your f*cken pillow instead.

Team: Brisbane Broncos henceforth Lachlan Murdoch's Bonkos

Why I Hate The F*cken Team / F*cken Coach / F*cken Locality: Never f*cken once under the salary cap since they started. Coach is a miserable f*cken whiner, even when they win, and somehow tries to appear miffed with the club even though HE was the f*cken one stabbing them in the back and trying to engineer a move to the Sydney Chickens. Also, he SNUCK OUT A F*CKEN BACK DOOR at the airport, rather than man-up and face the music. And despite having almost an entire f*cken state to recruit talent from, the Bonkos still raid other clubs eg. stealing P.J.Marsh from the Electric Eels. Oh, and they wear f*cken maroon and yellow.

Special F*ckwit Watch: Yeah I remember you, Brad "Big Man Me" Thorn, scoring against the "Baby Eels" in the finals in 2000 - you got up and had a big few sledges to throw in against the kids didn't you, big man? Never mind the bunch of kids ran you close (16-10), you showed them didn't you big man, with your f*cken enormous testicles eh? F*ckwit.

But Thorn has pi$$ed off back to Roogbeh so f*ck him. So some dishonourable mentions to take his place in 2008:

• Justin "In-Goal Pass Is On" Hodges - why someone who f*cks up so much would have such a big f*cken sledging mouth is beyond me. Dip$hit of the highest order.
• KHunt - apart from a side-step that looks like he's having a f*cken fit, big f*cken woop.
• Joel "Pigtails" Clinton - possibly the biggest cat in league, ever - spends more time playing with his hair than, well, anything really. Sleeps with a cardboard cut-out of himself. "Men Of League" Calendar in his fridge is permanently open to his own month. However, well worth laughing at as he'll only ever be remembered for being splattered by Sonny-Bill's shoulder. Gold.
• Tonie "Australopithecus" Carroll - the ugliest human being that evolution has managed to create so far. Must have been born through his mother's ar$ehole. Possesses a jaw that could munch through 13 inches of brick. Apparently can represent New Zealand but still be a Queenslander. Talk about f*cked up QLD geography.

What I'd Love To See In 2008:

• Darren Lockyer break his leg in 127 places attempting a field goal in Round 1 - by missing the ball and instead kicking Justin Hodges square in the f*cken head, killing him (after 3 weeks in agony in intensive care).
• Tonie Carroll correctly identify, on a map: #1 where he was born; #2 the state of QLD and #3 the country of New Zealand. And explain how two of the three CANNOT F*CKEN MATCH.
• Bonkos losing 27 times, including 157-0 loss to Eels.

Overall Hate Factor: 11/10 - F*ck the f*cken f*ckers.

Claytons - The Drink I Have When I'm Too Drunk To Keep Drinking

Sadly, we must today mourn the passing into history of a watershed moment in Australian politics - Claytons Parliament Friday, or "The Government We're Having When We're Not Having Government".

Remember the ad?

(Scene: The Holy Grail Bar, Civic, Canberra. Drunken, binge-drinking politicians are sprawled everywhere. A forlorn Brendan Nelson pole-dances, dressed only in a feather boa, to an empty dance-floor. Saint Kevin the Infallible, Patron Saint of Working Families, approaches the barman...)

"Claytons Parliament, thanks, Brian..."

"On the wagon, Kevin?"

"F*ck no, just a f*cken stupid idea I came up with on the crapper. Still, a few more hot young lefty socialist chicks at Universities around the country will want to suck my d1ck, so it can't be all bad!"

"Well, now we can all get some sleep!"
(cue: uproarious laughter...)

You remember when our beloved Prime Minister, Saint Kevin the Infallible, Patron Saint of Working Families, ascended to the golden throne? Of course you f*cken do, you all voted for him twice and saw God's own hand anoint the f*cken poindexter at about 8.15 pm, with trumpets and all sorts of God-ish $hit happening. Kerry O'Brien almost spontaneously combusted in orgasmic rapture at the time. Who could forget that?

Well anyway, Saint Kevin ascended to the heavenly throne, pausing only to thunderously announce that Parliament would 'sit' on Fridays from now on, by the power of his mighty, erect, Golden Staff of CRudd!

A tremendous thunder shook the very earth at these words as he smote the floor of the chamber with his Golden Staff!

F*ck me dead, exclaimed the masses, the politicians are going to be working harder than ever before to deliver Working Families unto the Garden of Eden! They're going to be working on Fridays instead of f*cking off to Manuka and Kingston and Barton swank eateries and cafe-bars! It's a new Golden Era!

Yeah, like f*ck it is you morons, or, as I prefer to say: WRONG AGAIN DIP$HITS!!

See, unlike Moses, when Saint Kevin trundles on down from the mountain with stone tablets, you better read the f*cken fine print the smarmy little pr1ck chiseled on there really quickly while everyone was busy laughing at Brendan Nelson trying to limbo beneath his latest approval rating.

On a side note, the reason I don't slag off the Good Doctor much on this ridiculous f*cken blog here is not because I am a right wing Liberal Party sycophant - I f*cken hate those f*cken dip$hits, too - it's more because kicking the Good Doctor while he's down (down at about 9% last I heard) is pretty f*cken lame. I ought to steal some Chupa-Chups from kids while I'm at it. I mean, f*ck, Mike Tyson has a higher approval rating than f*cken 9% with Domestic Violence Support Groups. F*ck, Paul McCartney has a higher approval rating with his ex-wife than F*CKEN 9%!! A f*cken AMOEBA could get more than 9% approval from a typical Australian electorate by f*cken showing up and sub-dividing a few cells! (and maybe then downing a schooner of VB in under 3.5 seconds...)

So there's no comedy there, just f*cken mediocrity. Which would be funny if it was, you know, Jose Mourinho or something, but it isn't. Alas.

So while all the f*cktards that worship Saint Kevin were smearing themselves in honey and faeces and frotting each other furiously at this latest stroke of genius from the hard-working, committed PM, the fine print went undetected. Orgiastic denial is a hell of a thing.

Except f*cken Chov was onto it like a f*cken pensioner onto a virgin poker machine at the RSL. BANG!!

The banner headline read, somewhat:

"SAINT KEVIN MAKES PARLIAMENT WORK ON FRIDAYS* - NO MORE F*CKEN BLUDGERS NOW THAT SAINT KEVIN IS IN CHARGE!!"

The fine print read, loosely:

"* except for the Prime Minister himself, who actually won't be there on Fridays at all, oh no, he'll be off fishing or avoiding lunches with Brian Burke..also there won't actually be any questions asked by any member, nor answered....also there won't actually be any debate of legislation.....and...err...what else....oh yeah, no votes to be taken either. And finally, the Friday sitting also can't be used by any member to put in his or her footy tips for the f*cken weekend either. You can pick your nose, though. Maybe."

And see the reason Chov was onto this with more fury than f*cken Pablo Escobar onto a constipated drug-mule was because I adopted the very same concept and applied to my own workplace.

I notified my boss, pursuant to section 4, sub-clause 14 (c), (iii), that henceforth I intended to "work" on Fridays, with "work" to be defined as "staying the f*ck home, casually rubbing one out after breakfast, having 3 beers for lunch and writing angry comments to the Daily Telegraph for the duration, or watching mid-week replays of the NRL on Foxtel" and defining "Fridays" as "any day I deem to be Friday".

However I kindly offered to provide a life-size blow-up sex-doll of myself to sit in my chair in case anyone felt the need to discuss some work-related matter with me by proxy - or should they simply wish to sit on my massive rod for sexual gratification.

Obviously the Opposition heard of my brilliant sarcasm on an epic scale and stole my f*cken idea. They took a cardboard-cutout of Saint Kevin into Parliament on the first Friday that this stupid $hit was put into practice and f*cken ruined it for everybody, didn't they?

That's right. One single f*cken Friday and it's all over because some bad apples had to go and ruin it for the whole f*cken bunch didn't they. Do you know how many more rants I could have f*cken posted on this stupid $hit?

But Saint Kevin dropped the idea because, basically, ALL ALONG IT WAS F*CKEN STUPID, however good luck getting the pompous little turd to admit it. But everyone knew, in terms if f*cktosity, this was SPECIAL, and, alas, kiddies we may not live to see breathtaking f*cktardation of this ilk again.

Unless somehow Wayne "The Ugly Fuckling" Swan gets to be PM, in which case he'll introduce "Come to Parliament Dressed As Your Favourite Sesame Street Character Tuesday".

You'll know him, he'll be the a$$ of Snuffleupagus.

Quick Flashes of F*cktardity #1

Just a quick shout-out to the f*cken useless peanuts at Utopia Records at Broadway in Sydney.

Send me an email on the 11th to tell me you're closed on the 10th.

F*cking genius, that.

Clap......clap......clap.

Oh, and I see that my beloved St Louis Rams have signed up Trent "My Head Hurts" Green as their back up QB for the next 3 seasons.

He's 36, mind you, and the reason he's sticking with football is because medical science rejected him for use in scientific experiments as his brain has been f*cken CONCUSSED into F*CKEN YOGHURT.

So, yeah, excellent. After our porous offensive line allows Marc Bulger to be back-slammed for the 18th time in Week 1 next season, separating his throwing shoulder and ending his season, coach will turn to Trent and say "you're in". At which point Trent will smile and drool and point at the crowd and say "...looook....pretty colours....."

Of course, the NRL season kicks off this weekend, so the Chovster will shortly be publishing a whip around NRL preview that will make Rusty Crowe's f*cken pussy "Book of Feuds" look like the panties-wetting piece of f*cken fairy-floss that it is. Hopefully he reads this and tries to throw his phone at me, Souths-supporting tosser. F*ck him and the pink rabbit he rode in, in.

Stay tuned.

And a big shout out to my peeps Thumbelina and Back Door Benny Bolton, charging into the semi-finals of 11th grade Illawarra Cricket with the apparently mighty Rail Razorbacks. They are the team EVERYBODY wants to play in the finals. Of course Centrebet has suspended all action on the match until the status of Thumbelina's digit has been ascertained. A club spokesman refused to comment, but this from the cricketing legend himself (with no attempt made to correct spelling or grammar):

"do you know how many times a week u bump your thumb? if you didnt its about 49trillion times"

Rest easy, Rail faithful, your future is in good thumbs.