Check out my earlier blog for the intro, because I can't be f*cked explaining it all again. Pay attention up the back there, I'm blogging for YOUR benefit you know.
Anyways, here is what I managed to accomplish in several real-time hours of gaming:
- Walk around city
- Continue walking
- Find a city-run commerce shop and buy a house
- Walk all over f*cken city LOOKING for my new house
- Continue walking and looking for my new house
- Still more walking and looking for my new house
- Enter house that I think is my house
- Discover it is not my new house
- I am arrested
- Taken to jailhouse
- Pay fine
- Released from jailhouse
- Resume walking and looking for my new house
- Find my new house on very outskirts of city
- Enter my new house
- Look around my new house
- Conclude that my new house is a real $hithole
- Decide to walk to trading shop to buy furniture for my $hithole
- On my way past a boat moored in harbour, I am warned by captain (a dark elf) not to get on the boat or there will be trouble
- I get on boat
- There is trouble
- Kill several sailors
- I am arrested
- Taken to jailhouse
- Pay fine
- Released from jailhouse
- It's late, so I walk back to my $hithole (it may not be much but it's mine)
- Sleep in my bed
- Up early in morning, walk to shop
- Too early, shop not open yet
- From downstairs, Samantha (aka The Samazon) asks what swearing is about and am I ok?
- Yell out yes all is fine
- Mumble f*cken f*cken f*cken
- Still annoyed, use lock-pick skills to break into shop
- I am arrested
- Taken to jailhouse
- Pay fine
- Released from jailhouse
- Walk back to shop
- Shop open, so I enter, intending to complain about opening hours
- Instead, buy fantastic new furniture package
- Amazed at my own haggling skills
- Excitedly run back across city to see my new furniture in my $hithole
- Get lost
- Swear loudly
- Reluctantly consult instruction manual
- Utilise newly discovered "map" function to navigate back to my $hithole
- Discover that my new decor has been designed by an interior designer who failed the auditions for "Changing Rooms"
- However, discover I have a fruit bowl with fruit in it
- On a table
- Eat fruit
- Having exhausted all the uses to which my new house can be put, I leave
- Walk to city stables
- I have discovered the only stables in the entire f*cken Realm that have horses but do not sell horses
- Steal horse
- I am arrested
- Taken to jailhouse
- Pay fine
- Decide horse can be acquired some other time
- Decide to walk cross country to next city (and, in so doing, follow the main quest)
- Make it 500 metres before some local moron asks me to do his fishing for him on account of some leg problem he is having
- After 5 minutes of repetitive conversation, clarify that "leg problem" = "has no leg" = "can't fish"
- Search for conversation option: "Tell local moron to shove fish up his ar$e"
- Cannot find it
- Instead choose conversation option: "Laugh in his face"
- Desired effect achieved, conversation over
- I carry on walking
- Walk up hills
- Walk down hills
- Walk along road
- Stop at intersection to read signs and make sure I am on correct road
- Discover I am not on correct road
- Swear loudly
- The Samazon threatens to remove my computer game privileges unless I can keep my swearing to a volume that the "neighbours can't hear".
- I swear softly
- Resume travel on correct road
- Am attacked by bandit
- Bandit is some sort of cat-person
- Kill cat-person-bandit
- Loot dead cat-person-bandit
- Items available to loot from dead cat-person-bandit = "fur cuirass", "fur boots", "fur greaves" and "fur helmet"
- Wonder aloud why a cat-person, covered in natural fur, would require supplementary fur
- Wonder aloud how f*cken useful "fur cuirass" would be in protecting wearer from weapons in all classifications above "plastic fork class IV"
- Observe dead cat-person bandit
- Have answered my own question
- Satisfied, I carry on
- Walk
- Continue walking
- Walk some more
- Run
- Get tired too fast
- Resume walking
- Notice night falling (i.e screen is f*cking black, stars in sky etc)
- Break into abandoned farmhouse to spend night sleeping in abandoned bed
- Morning, continue on way
- Arrive at next town
- Immediately arrested, taken to jailhouse, pay fine etc etc
- Fast forward 5 minutes
- The Samazon makes room on lounge for me as we settle in to watch "Temptation Island UK"
- Meanwhile, camera pans across empty home office, stops at computer desk, slow zoom toward silent computer, observe computer set to "off" position
- Credits roll
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