Chov-Blog Groupies, let's welcome to the stage, this week's winner, Mr "Sergey of Australia"!
But, first, some filler.
Recently, some f*ckwit saw a photo on Google Maps with a lens flare or some other boring f*cken photographic effect, and immediately concluded it was genuine bona-fide evidence of UFOs.
As you do.
The Daily Rag, always on the lookout for stupid $hit to print, ran it immediately at http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,24785075-5001021,00.html
and gave the work experience kid who saw it on the Reuters wire a pay-rise and a new office.
The title of the story is "Does this Google Map snap show a UFO over Sydney?"
Of course the correct and standard response is "Of course not you f*cking dimwits" and we're done here.
But that's where the "Comments" section comes in, to save the day and inject some peerless comedy into an otherwise nondescript event.
You know comments sections. They make me weep for joy at their sheer beauty, for without them we would never experience the sheer ecstasy of reading the inane ramblings of nimrods - long may they reign.
Here, in completely unaltered, smoothly-shaved virgin glory, is Sergey's offering to the world, produced (as far as I can tell) when Sergey took a break from smearing faeces on himself and the walls and headbutted the keyboard with his face, producing a string of text he was satisfied accurately represented his visions and the last conversation he had with Ahura Mazda (conducted during ad breaks for the Australian Idol Finale, a program Sergey thought was a disturbing and hard-hitting documentary).
* "Why everytime we see the evidence of "UFO" everyone gets impressed so much?"
It's not evidence, moron. It could be snot on the f*cken camera lens for all you know. And nobody seemed all that impressed, except for YOU. Sergey took all his clothes off and rubbed peanut butter in his ar$e crack he was so excited.
* "the contact with earth is happening for thousands and thousands of years. Even if YOU don't beleive in what have not yet seen for your own eyes, that's fine... "
I don't believe what I have not yet seen? It's kind of like he attempted a double-negative, but f*cked even THAT up so badly it became a very DEEP philosophical musing.
* "But there billions of other planets in the universe and billions types of different civilizations..."
Sergey's address is 1 Bonehead Place, CRAZYTOWN. He has a sign out the front, "ACHTUNG! NO GRAMMATICAL CONJUNCTIONS NO PLEASE, THEY MAKE ME BRANE HURT YES MUCH BILLIONS".
* "some of them obviously do have a technology that we unfortunately cannot yet even imagine properly..."
Translation: They have anal-probes so advanced we can't even imagine them. But Sergey draws them on the walls of bus-shelters whenever he can because he's trying to educate us.
* "Than smarter you are than easier for you to understand it."
This is simply The Single Greatest Sentence Ever Typed.
* "w hat you call "UFO" will obviously not try to get in contact with the monkey or people who live in their own 10meter world.. what would be the point?"
Posted by: Sergey of Australia 3:05pm today
We call them UFOs, but Sergey calls them by their first names - Justin, Nigel and "Probey".
And so this Opus Magnifico comes to a premature end, just when it seemed Sergey's genius was just getting fired up and he could have revealed so much more to us, like why the Voices tell him to drop his pants and start manipulating himself on the train every morning.
Brilliant.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Our new Spider Overlords are here. Obey them or die.
Sweet merciful titty-f*cking Christ.
Mutant spiders from f*cking Mars have arrived on Earth. And they are going to kill us all. It's too late to repent, it's all over people.
Some grandpa from Cairns, taking a break from writing angry letters to the local Bowling Club, wandered out into his back garden (to collect the large number of tennis-balls hit there by neighbourhood kids, which he refuses to return) and came across the F*cking Unholy Motherf*cking Geezus of All Spiders.
Killing and eating what was a f*cking ostrich but has been sucked so dry is now only the size of a finch.
What sort of f*cking web snags a f*cken BIRD for f*ck's sake?
The web of the SPIDER of F*CKING ABBADDON, THAT'S WHAT. Made out of sticky silk and strengthened with thousands of DEVOURED SOULS.
Noah, the stupid old bearded dickhead, could have certainly left two of these hideous mutants OFF THE F*CKEN BOAT, and CHOV WOULDN'T HAVE COMPLAINED.
Mutant spiders from f*cking Mars have arrived on Earth. And they are going to kill us all. It's too late to repent, it's all over people.
Some grandpa from Cairns, taking a break from writing angry letters to the local Bowling Club, wandered out into his back garden (to collect the large number of tennis-balls hit there by neighbourhood kids, which he refuses to return) and came across the F*cking Unholy Motherf*cking Geezus of All Spiders.
Killing and eating what was a f*cking ostrich but has been sucked so dry is now only the size of a finch.
Mmm, tastes like chicken.
What sort of f*cking web snags a f*cken BIRD for f*ck's sake?
The web of the SPIDER of F*CKING ABBADDON, THAT'S WHAT. Made out of sticky silk and strengthened with thousands of DEVOURED SOULS.
Disney rejected the heartwarming story of Billy Birdy and his spider friend, Fangy, and their zany adventures. They thought it was "too gay".
Nobody can tell me, ever again, that spiders perform a useful service in nature, because here is an unholy ABOMINATION and eight-legged FREAK injecting about 14 litres of VENOM into a bird, whilst I am still bitten by f*cken mosquitoes in the world. With motherf*ckers like THIS why are there ANY insects left?Noah, the stupid old bearded dickhead, could have certainly left two of these hideous mutants OFF THE F*CKEN BOAT, and CHOV WOULDN'T HAVE COMPLAINED.
Daddy, what's happening to Twittles? I don't think that spider is really "whispering in his ear" at all, like Mummy said. Is he ever going to sing his happy morning song again? Is he?? Is he???
Begone o SPIDEROUS MOTHERF*CKINGUS GIGANTICUS. Back to the f*cking FIERY PITS OF HELL FROM WHENCE YE CAME!
The ONLY good spider.
***ADDITION****
For the multitude of anal-retentives who emailed The Chov, yes I realise that the 'trick' is making the spider appear larger than it really is, and yes it is all in the camera angle and proximity of the camera to the HIDEOUS PROFANE BEAST, and also that the finch is really not that big a bird.
But that would make for a pretty lame f*cken blog post. Idiots.
For the multitude of anal-retentives who emailed The Chov, yes I realise that the 'trick' is making the spider appear larger than it really is, and yes it is all in the camera angle and proximity of the camera to the HIDEOUS PROFANE BEAST, and also that the finch is really not that big a bird.
But that would make for a pretty lame f*cken blog post. Idiots.
Plus I just really really really f*cken hate spiders. So kiss my hairy wrinkly lolly-bag.
The Chov - abusing his fans since 2008, because they love it.
I'll see your "Top 7 Worst guitar Solos" and raise you....
Some dude not named Steve Vai decided to blog about the "Top 7 Worst Guitar Solos Of All Time", although how something could be the "top worst" anything is puzzling to those of us with brains.
But anyway.
http://www.spike.com/blog/top-7-worst-guitar/71484?page=2&numPerPage=1
But anyway.
http://www.spike.com/blog/top-7-worst-guitar/71484?page=2&numPerPage=1
The Fred Durst one IS quite funny. Watch it, if nothing else. It's very much like he thought about a f*ck-off-five-minute-face-melting guitar shred, moved his fingers around the frets, played a few random notes to warm up and then realised - in a moment of CRYSTAL F*CKEN CLARITY - he had ZERO F*CKEN IDEA WHAT HE WAS DOING.
There are other lists around if you google enough, but what a waste of f*cken time.
Here comes Chov, to save your time and effort and just give it to you straight.
The worst 100 guitar solos of all time ALL BELONG TO TOM MORELLO. ALL of them. EVERY SINGLE F*CKEN ONE. Yep - from #1 through #100, and probably another 500 dishonourable mentions that just miss the cut. In fact, every solo he has ever played just goes on the list. Some good songs, some good riffs, sure. But his production assistants should just TURN THE F*CKEN SOUND OFF when he launches into a solo. This moron is responsible for a thousand people turning off rock music and toward hip-hop EVERY TIME THEY HEAR HIS SOLOS.
Tom is somehow 'famous'. I think it's for:
1. setting a new Guiness Book record for "most stickers on a guitar body, none of which are cool"*;
2. wearing a stupid f*cken Chicago Cubs cap for 8,934 days straight;
3. writing a bunch of whiny f*cken songs whilst in Rage Against The Machine, whinging about everything in the entire United States, but REFUSING TO LEAVE AND LIVE IN COMMUNIST F*CKEN CHINA, and
4. his custom "Digitech Whammy", which enables him to record himself taking a $hit with a microphone inserted into his own anus, digitise the sound and amplify it through his guitar - as a solo.
* They include a f*cken hippo (no I am not making this up) and an "Arm the Homeless" sticker. Yeah, that's what we f*cken need, crack-heads in the f*cken bus-interchange in Civic begging for small-change WHILE PACKING F*CKEN HEAT.
And while I'm on guitarists, here's a message to Coldplay, the MOST OVER_RATED BAND IN THE UNIVERSE, from The Chov and his hero Johnny Cash:
Hey Chris Martin! Have a Nice Day, now, y'hear?
And what exactly DID the angsty f*cken annoying little pi$$-ant little band of whiny-looking wimpy little f*cks actually DO to inspire this wrath? (Besides existing...)
This.
F*CK YOU Cloneplay, F*CK RIGHT OFF. Kiss my beanbag you UNORIGINAL COPYCATS. Not only are you F*CKEN $HIT, you DON'T EVEN HAVE THE TALENT TO BE $HIT ON YOUR OWN!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
What's smarter? The Prime Minister or a Vermicious Knid?
Geezus H Titty-F*cking Christ.
Regular readers of this blog have commented on the lack of Chov-rage being directed at politics here in recent times.
Well that was because KRudd, Patron Saint of Working Families, has done so many f*cking moronic things recently that my eyeballs had f*cking well LIQUEFIED in RAGE at his overall galactic level of F*CKWITTERY and I was rendered temporarily unable to type.
But here we go with the straw that smashed the f*cken spine of the dromedary.
KRudd the Imbecile decided to gift $1000 to a completely f*cking random selection of society in a time of economic chaos. Somewhere in his f*cking peanut brain that made sense as a strategy to save the World and single-handedly overturn the woes of AIG, Lehman Bros and Jimity J. F*ckwit down at the Wagga RSL.
At the time it was meant to be some sort of safety net for lower income earners against rising petrol prices, inflationary pressure and interest rates.
It never occurred to him that f*ckwits doing stupid $hit with other people's money caused the f*cken problem in the first place.
But why would it?
After all, this is the f*cken moron who has a beer in the middle of a strip club and then is F*CKEN INSTANTANEOUSLY STRUCK BLIND, DEAF and DUMB for a short period of time (normally corresponding to the precise length of time it takes for the conversation to move onto another topic).
Either that, or when medical science discovers the nature of SELECTIVE INVISIBLE NAKED BREAST SYNDROME they can name if after this f*cking moron.
And this week we had the man himself take a break from flying a A380 Airbus DOWN THE F*CKEN STREET FOR MILK AND A NEWSPAPER for the ELEVENTH TIME SINCE THURSDAY to tell the great unwashed masses that they should take their freshly granted cash-wad and moan loudly whilst they blow it all over the face of retail assistants across the country in time for Xmas.
Never mind it takes a cash turnover of about 1% of GDP to make any sort of f*cken difference. And never mind that a few thousand pensioners buying another f*cken X-Box is NOT GOING TO F*CKEN STIMULATE INVESTMENT nor will it suddenly imbue the Treasurer Wayne Swan with a F*CKEN CLUE ABOUT KEYNESIAN ECONOMIC THEORY.
See the reason KRudd himself came out to make the announcement is mainly because it wasn't a f*ck-up (which he gets others front and centre for) but also because the illustrious Treasurer was busy at the time, puffing away hard on the pedals as he runs the Great PedalTasticF*cktacularDiscopoplepticEconomulatorMobile!
That is ripped off directly from the Wonkamobile, and I admit it.
But it also allows me to shoe-horn this quote* in:
Charlie: Grandpa, is this thing going to go fast?
Grandpa Joe: It f*cking well should, Charlie, it's got more gas in it than the f*cken Treasurer AND the Prime Minister.
*Warning: May be slightly different from original movie quote.
Wayne "Daddy Warbucks" Swan thinks the economic crisis actually started because he took a break and stopped pedalling when Romper Room came on the TV and he wanted to be a flower blooming in the morning with all the other kids. It wasn't until Mr Doobee came on with the music that Wayne realised his error and that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac weren't that old couple he talked to in the shopping mall in Revesby when he was back on the campaign trail.
These people run our country, for f*ck's sake.
What KRudd needs is a good f*cken hour or so in the taffy-pulling machine.
Regular readers of this blog have commented on the lack of Chov-rage being directed at politics here in recent times.
Well that was because KRudd, Patron Saint of Working Families, has done so many f*cking moronic things recently that my eyeballs had f*cking well LIQUEFIED in RAGE at his overall galactic level of F*CKWITTERY and I was rendered temporarily unable to type.
But here we go with the straw that smashed the f*cken spine of the dromedary.
KRudd the Imbecile decided to gift $1000 to a completely f*cking random selection of society in a time of economic chaos. Somewhere in his f*cking peanut brain that made sense as a strategy to save the World and single-handedly overturn the woes of AIG, Lehman Bros and Jimity J. F*ckwit down at the Wagga RSL.
At the time it was meant to be some sort of safety net for lower income earners against rising petrol prices, inflationary pressure and interest rates.
It never occurred to him that f*ckwits doing stupid $hit with other people's money caused the f*cken problem in the first place.
But why would it?
After all, this is the f*cken moron who has a beer in the middle of a strip club and then is F*CKEN INSTANTANEOUSLY STRUCK BLIND, DEAF and DUMB for a short period of time (normally corresponding to the precise length of time it takes for the conversation to move onto another topic).
Either that, or when medical science discovers the nature of SELECTIVE INVISIBLE NAKED BREAST SYNDROME they can name if after this f*cking moron.
And this week we had the man himself take a break from flying a A380 Airbus DOWN THE F*CKEN STREET FOR MILK AND A NEWSPAPER for the ELEVENTH TIME SINCE THURSDAY to tell the great unwashed masses that they should take their freshly granted cash-wad and moan loudly whilst they blow it all over the face of retail assistants across the country in time for Xmas.
Never mind it takes a cash turnover of about 1% of GDP to make any sort of f*cken difference. And never mind that a few thousand pensioners buying another f*cken X-Box is NOT GOING TO F*CKEN STIMULATE INVESTMENT nor will it suddenly imbue the Treasurer Wayne Swan with a F*CKEN CLUE ABOUT KEYNESIAN ECONOMIC THEORY.
See the reason KRudd himself came out to make the announcement is mainly because it wasn't a f*ck-up (which he gets others front and centre for) but also because the illustrious Treasurer was busy at the time, puffing away hard on the pedals as he runs the Great PedalTasticF*cktacularDiscopoplepticEconomulatorMobile!
That is ripped off directly from the Wonkamobile, and I admit it.
But it also allows me to shoe-horn this quote* in:
Charlie: Grandpa, is this thing going to go fast?
Grandpa Joe: It f*cking well should, Charlie, it's got more gas in it than the f*cken Treasurer AND the Prime Minister.
*Warning: May be slightly different from original movie quote.
Wayne "Daddy Warbucks" Swan thinks the economic crisis actually started because he took a break and stopped pedalling when Romper Room came on the TV and he wanted to be a flower blooming in the morning with all the other kids. It wasn't until Mr Doobee came on with the music that Wayne realised his error and that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac weren't that old couple he talked to in the shopping mall in Revesby when he was back on the campaign trail.
These people run our country, for f*ck's sake.
What KRudd needs is a good f*cken hour or so in the taffy-pulling machine.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
NIFELHEIM - Swedish for "WAY TOUGHER THAN BON JOVI!"
Well, it made me laugh...
http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=110159
For those who can't be bothered following the link and reading the story (and there will be many of you) allow Chov to both refer to himself in the third person and also explain.
Once upon a time a completely and utterly insignificant $hit-splat of a "death-metal" band formed in Sweden.
As an aside, it bemuses Chov and stumps modern science that Scandinavia, seemingly a place of liberal idyll in the modern world, should produce and export about 99.9% of the world's "death metal". Quite why there should be so many angry death-metallers spawned in such a lovely place is beyond me. Perhaps it is because all their cute, blond pig-tailed and big-breasted women are off backpacking around the world and there are none left at home. Whatever.
Anyway, this completely unheard of band called themselves NIFELHEIM, apparently because they are so SATANIC and EVIL no other word in any human language could evoke the sheer stanic-ness and evil-osity of this band.
Or it might have just been the name of a bedroom suite from the last 'IKEA' catalogue.
In Chov's humble opinion, these guys are to "EVIL" and "SATANIC" what Dark Helmet from Spaceballs was to...err...well..."EVIL" and "SATANIC".
That is, a f*cken joke. But at least Mel Brooks knows what a joke is when he sees it, even if he is looking in the mirror at the time.
Allow a band-member of NIFELHEIM (warning: merely saying this name invokes EVIL SATANIC...err...STUFF TO HAPPEN...err...POSSIBLY) to speak for himself....
Note: seeing as "normal" names couldn't convey his sheer evilaciousness and satanicasmosity, he decided to call himself (I $hit you not..) "Vengeance From Beyond". Which must have sounded cool on the Quake message boards, but translates to 'real-life' rather poorly.
No, really, that's his EVIL-SOUNDING name. Some other moron in the band answers to "Apocalyptic Desolator", which must be quite a handy Scrabble score, and yet another tool in the band goes by "Insulter of Jesus Christ", or sometimes just "Nigel" for short.
Anyway, Mr From Beyond describes the terrifying evil of NIFELHEIM thus:
"...a total attack of satanic black metal...a true synergy of evil..."
To which I can only wet my pants and squeal....Eeeek!
And, once more....eeeek!
Chov's alternate description, without even having heard a note, might be "shit". But you make up your own mind.
Now I had to get my legal team to work with Blogger.com just so I could type the following sentence...
NIFELHEIM's latest album is called *ahem* "ENVOY OF LUCIFER".
Are you ok?
See, Blogger.com and their legal representatives were concerned that the name of the album was SO EVIL that merely READING THE NAME could cause innocent people to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST from FEAR.
So, now that I have reduced my readership to approximately 0.00 I could stop here. But I won't.
The sheer EVIL of NIFELHEIM has POSSESSED MY SOUL and COMPELS ME TO CONTINUE!
GRRRR!!!
Ooooh, EVIL!!!!
EEEEK! (cue: fainting, screaming, general $hitting of pants in fear etc etc)
They also have a song, or EP, or something, called "Sepulcral Fornication" which is interesting but far too complicated to be a good name for a Porn flick, even one containing vampire lesbos. And it should be "sepulchral" anyway. Morons.
Anyway, this band, or more specifically their bass player "Tyrant" (his brother's name is "Hellbutcher"...now stop laughing they are EVIL remember?), saw fit to slag off a few people in the "biz" recently. And, you know, he can, because, you know, NIFELHEIM have sold about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 records and he is the bestest and most evilopturous bassist. Ever.
He probably also thinks he is a real DEMON in the sack (hahahahah I write all my own material, honest).
So, anyways, "Tyrant" is obviously giving his interview sitting on giant piles of cash and surrounded by millions of gold records when he says "Motley Crue and Municipal Waste are likely the worst bands in the world."
Well, one of them MIGHT be, according to taste, but the other is simply a problem for your local council. No point ragging on to some Swedish metal fanzine about it, as I doubt they are experienced waste-management consultants.
I also like the way he says "likely", leaving himself a little bit of room for later correction, just in case he appears FOOLISH.
"Next to Metallica," he adds, for effect.
At some point, Mr Tyrant might pause to consider just how it has eventuated that an apparently crap band like Metallica can sell millions of albums while his little outfit, despite their ties to the DARK LORD HIMSELF, can barely scrape together enough money to buy a Happy Meal, let alone hot Goth groupies and endless lines of cocaine.
Either Lars and the dudes in 'Tallica have just a TEENSY bit more talent than he's giving them credit for, or else Beelzebub Metal Management Inc. aren't quite living up the hype in their ads. Or perhaps getting a high-score playing "Jordan" on Guitar Hero "Expert" setting isn't really the platform to world domination and endless #1 records that Tyrant and his man-buddies think it is.
But what made me laugh most of all (yes, even more than this bunch of idiots being even less EVIL and SCARY than Niklas Bendtner's PINK BOOTS) was when Mr Tyrant described "Dimebag" Darrell (the now-dead former guitarist of Pantera and Damageplan) as a "f*cking glam-fag".
Hello Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle....yes that's right, allow me to introduce to the stage....Mr Tyrant himself!! Complete with signature-series Tyrant Mascara (TM)!
http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=110159
For those who can't be bothered following the link and reading the story (and there will be many of you) allow Chov to both refer to himself in the third person and also explain.
Once upon a time a completely and utterly insignificant $hit-splat of a "death-metal" band formed in Sweden.
As an aside, it bemuses Chov and stumps modern science that Scandinavia, seemingly a place of liberal idyll in the modern world, should produce and export about 99.9% of the world's "death metal". Quite why there should be so many angry death-metallers spawned in such a lovely place is beyond me. Perhaps it is because all their cute, blond pig-tailed and big-breasted women are off backpacking around the world and there are none left at home. Whatever.
Anyway, this completely unheard of band called themselves NIFELHEIM, apparently because they are so SATANIC and EVIL no other word in any human language could evoke the sheer stanic-ness and evil-osity of this band.
Or it might have just been the name of a bedroom suite from the last 'IKEA' catalogue.
In Chov's humble opinion, these guys are to "EVIL" and "SATANIC" what Dark Helmet from Spaceballs was to...err...well..."EVIL" and "SATANIC".
That is, a f*cken joke. But at least Mel Brooks knows what a joke is when he sees it, even if he is looking in the mirror at the time.
Allow a band-member of NIFELHEIM (warning: merely saying this name invokes EVIL SATANIC...err...STUFF TO HAPPEN...err...POSSIBLY) to speak for himself....
Note: seeing as "normal" names couldn't convey his sheer evilaciousness and satanicasmosity, he decided to call himself (I $hit you not..) "Vengeance From Beyond". Which must have sounded cool on the Quake message boards, but translates to 'real-life' rather poorly.
No, really, that's his EVIL-SOUNDING name. Some other moron in the band answers to "Apocalyptic Desolator", which must be quite a handy Scrabble score, and yet another tool in the band goes by "Insulter of Jesus Christ", or sometimes just "Nigel" for short.
Anyway, Mr From Beyond describes the terrifying evil of NIFELHEIM thus:
"...a total attack of satanic black metal...a true synergy of evil..."
To which I can only wet my pants and squeal....Eeeek!
And, once more....eeeek!
Chov's alternate description, without even having heard a note, might be "shit". But you make up your own mind.
Now I had to get my legal team to work with Blogger.com just so I could type the following sentence...
NIFELHEIM's latest album is called *ahem* "ENVOY OF LUCIFER".
Are you ok?
See, Blogger.com and their legal representatives were concerned that the name of the album was SO EVIL that merely READING THE NAME could cause innocent people to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST from FEAR.
So, now that I have reduced my readership to approximately 0.00 I could stop here. But I won't.
The sheer EVIL of NIFELHEIM has POSSESSED MY SOUL and COMPELS ME TO CONTINUE!
GRRRR!!!
Ooooh, EVIL!!!!
EEEEK! (cue: fainting, screaming, general $hitting of pants in fear etc etc)
They also have a song, or EP, or something, called "Sepulcral Fornication" which is interesting but far too complicated to be a good name for a Porn flick, even one containing vampire lesbos. And it should be "sepulchral" anyway. Morons.
Anyway, this band, or more specifically their bass player "Tyrant" (his brother's name is "Hellbutcher"...now stop laughing they are EVIL remember?), saw fit to slag off a few people in the "biz" recently. And, you know, he can, because, you know, NIFELHEIM have sold about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 records and he is the bestest and most evilopturous bassist. Ever.
He probably also thinks he is a real DEMON in the sack (hahahahah I write all my own material, honest).
So, anyways, "Tyrant" is obviously giving his interview sitting on giant piles of cash and surrounded by millions of gold records when he says "Motley Crue and Municipal Waste are likely the worst bands in the world."
Well, one of them MIGHT be, according to taste, but the other is simply a problem for your local council. No point ragging on to some Swedish metal fanzine about it, as I doubt they are experienced waste-management consultants.
I also like the way he says "likely", leaving himself a little bit of room for later correction, just in case he appears FOOLISH.
"Next to Metallica," he adds, for effect.
At some point, Mr Tyrant might pause to consider just how it has eventuated that an apparently crap band like Metallica can sell millions of albums while his little outfit, despite their ties to the DARK LORD HIMSELF, can barely scrape together enough money to buy a Happy Meal, let alone hot Goth groupies and endless lines of cocaine.
Either Lars and the dudes in 'Tallica have just a TEENSY bit more talent than he's giving them credit for, or else Beelzebub Metal Management Inc. aren't quite living up the hype in their ads. Or perhaps getting a high-score playing "Jordan" on Guitar Hero "Expert" setting isn't really the platform to world domination and endless #1 records that Tyrant and his man-buddies think it is.
But what made me laugh most of all (yes, even more than this bunch of idiots being even less EVIL and SCARY than Niklas Bendtner's PINK BOOTS) was when Mr Tyrant described "Dimebag" Darrell (the now-dead former guitarist of Pantera and Damageplan) as a "f*cking glam-fag".
Hello Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle....yes that's right, allow me to introduce to the stage....Mr Tyrant himself!! Complete with signature-series Tyrant Mascara (TM)!
Avert your eyes, children, he's the TRUE SYNERGY OF EVIL, not some "f*cken glamfag"!
And no, you haven't just stumbled into the "Relax" video by "Frankie Goes To Hollywood". This is NIPPLEHEIM...errr...NIFELHEIM - the world's MOST EVIL BAND!!! EEEEEK!!! No glamfags, or girl-germs, or kittens, or dolls allowed!! 'Cos we're SCARY AND EVIL, US!!! GRRRR!
Can't.
Stop.
Laughing.
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